Unfinanced Entrepreneurs
Follow-Up
by Mark Evanier
ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED 2/12/99
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I've now written 224 of these. Even the worst writer in the world — which I am not, despite what an editor at one comic book company once proclaimed — couldn't write 224 columns without lucking onto a topic that mattered to somebody. Many of my favorite columns pass without comment from anyone…but, every so often, one seems to register big with Folks Out There.
One such was our recent discussion of what I call Unfinanced Entrepreneurs. These are human beings — I'm being charitable — who approach writers and artists with projects that are, they insist, guaranteed to gross billions for All Concerned. A hefty taste of that moola can be yours —
— if only you'll "knock out a few pages" (if you're a writer) or "bang out a few sketches" (if you're an artist) without compensation. These, they will employ to move their certain-to-succeed enterprise on to its next, inevitable, lucrative-for-all step.
Ordinarily, writers and artists get paid for these services and receive real, bona fide contracts covering their financial participation. But, as we noted, though Unfinanced Entrepreneurs all have the most profitable idea of the century, they never seem to have any money. Or if they do have money, they ain't about to gamble it on the idea in which they expect you to invest your time. Unfinanced Entrepreneurs also have a great aversion to putting on paper for you, an explanation of what you're going to receive for putting things on paper for them.
Since I wrote about these Bilko-like parasites, I've heard from a lot of writers and artists. Boy, have I heard from a lot of writers and artists…all telling how they have been suckered (and sometimes, sucker-punched) by Unfinanced Entrepreneurs.
The stories are all different but, in many ways, all the same. Someone contacted them, usually via that most deadly of creatures — "a friend of a friend." Sometimes, the person had promising credentials and connections. Other times, the person was as far removed from the entertainment industry as you could be without working for the WB Network. No matter. The U.E. had this wonderful project that was absolutely certain to sell, but just required a teensy bit of free labor…
Yeah, sure.
The tales related to me confirm that my own experiences are typical: The folks who ask you to work for free almost never get the project across the finish line. Their batting average is appallingly low — about on a par with Charlie Brown during the off-season. And on those rare occasions when they do make something happen, the odds of you getting your fair share, sans lawsuit, are about the same as the odds of Linda Tripp becoming a Spice Girl.
In short, doing work for free is not only allowing your pocket to be picked…it's also a monumental waste of time and creative energy.
All the mail, all the calls…they've inspired me to itemize the following ten cautionary tips to those who have something approaching talent. These, all by themselves, will not prevent your exploitation but they might help a bit. Here we go, in no particular order…
1. Beware of those who ask if you have time to — quote — "knock out a few pages" or "whip out a few sketches" or any other clause that implies minimal time or effort. Those who seek freebees often employ such terms to make it sound like they're not asking for much. But, of course, they're asking for quite a lot — as much as they can get out of you without having to pay.
Often, when you do "a few pages," they have a way of evolving into "a few more pages." And then "a few more pages." Each time, you are assured that this batch will be the last…and that if you say nay, the project will be in jeopardy and all that free work you already did will be for naught.
To do work for such con-artists in the first place is foolish. To do work for them in the second place is just plain brain dead. And should you fall for this three or more times, we might as well fill you full of chewy chocolate and have you declared a Tootsie Roll Pop.
2. Avoid the barter system. A writer who called about my column told me of a U.E. who's forever calling him offering household appliances: "He can't pay me money, he says, but if I write this outline for him, he'll give me a new gas dryer. The problem with that, I tell him, is that I'd have to let my agent come over and use it, 10% of the time." A spanking-new George Foreman Lean, Mean Grilling Machine is not a substitute for a paycheck.
3. Don't, under any circumstances, fall for the old, "I thought you were an artist" ploy. A lot of creative folks are susceptible to this one. They like to feel that they do what they do for love and free expression and pride in craft, and that the money is but a happy incidental. This attitude makes them easy prey for those who know how to push those buttons…
"Gee, I thought you were the kind of person who would see the enormous creative potential of this project. I mean, there are a lot of people out there who are only in it for the money, and they don't care what they do as long as they get a check. This project is so special…I was hoping you were different…"
You'd be amazed how often that works…how often the creative person says, "Oh, yeah? I'll show you I'm not mercenary" and insists on working for free. (This is pretty much how Tom Sawyer got that fence whitewashed.)
4. This is kind of an odd one and I'm not sure I can explain it…but, trust me, it's true. Never deal with anyone who uses any form of the phrase, "getting my ducks in a row," as in, "We'll work out all the terms next week. I have to get all my ducks in a row first." You will never hear an honest person speak of getting his or her ducks in a row. Maybe somewhere, there's a reputable taxidermist who says it, or perhaps a virtuous guy who sells decoys, but I'm skeptical.
Why this is the lingo of sharks, I cannot say for certain. There is surely some deep, Freudian explanation, having to do with the U.E. seeing himself as a hunter or marksman and everyone else in the world as prey…something like that. All I know is that every single person I've ever heard talk about lining up ducks has been a swindler.
5. Don't get rid of these people by foisting them off on some other professional: "Gee, I'd love to help you but I'm really swamped at the moment. Tell you what…here's the phone number of someone else who might be able to help you."
You know how that works. Don't do it. It is an enormously slimy thing to do to another writer or artist. It would be like if someone tried to mug me and I told the mugger, "No, no…here's the home address of a friend of mine. Go over and mug him, instead."
For God's sake, have the decency to tell the sponger that not only don't you work for free but no one with any brains and/or self-respect does work for free, either. If you forward him to some acquaintance, then another pro is going to get annoyed or taken…or he'll just fork over someone else's number. Do your part to stop the blight.
6. Ask the Unfinanced Entrepreneur what he or she brings to the project. If they want you to invest your time and creativity, ask them what they're investing. If they say, "Well, I'm kind of the point man on this…" or "I have a flair for putting people together," this means they're not doing anything except getting others to do all the work and that they will usually demand the largest share.
If they say, "Well, I had the basic idea," that's when you remind them that the basic idea is usually the easy part. The hard part is developing that basic idea into something that is fleshed-out enough that someone might buy it.
And if they say, "I'm managing the whole enterprise," that's when you suggest that they manage to scare up your customary fee.
Generally speaking, if you insist on being paid, you will never hear from these people again. They may praise you to the heavens as a genius…they may tell you that yours was the first and only name they thought of for the venture…
…but that's only when they thought you could be induced to donate your talents to their cause. Your work will never be good enough for them if it costs. (If I were doing eleven of these, #11 would be something about bewaring of flattery.)
7. Ask them why there's no money. If it is so vital that they have "a few pages" by you — if it such a Sure Thing that this endeavor will reap greenbacks by the kilo — ask why they don't (a) put up their own money to pay you or (b) drum up some investors to do that.
As a sidebar, it might help to look upon the financial track record of the person who has this million-dollar idea. This is not an absolute indicator, since there are a number of very wealthy people who haven't the slightest shame about hustling you to do pro bono work for them.
Still, when a guy who's living in two rooms above a Subway sandwich store tells you he's putting together a deal that will make millions, a note of cynicism is not outta line. Be especially wary of those who tell you how many sure-fire make-a-million schemes they've had — or had stolen from them — but who are currently employed making cold calls to get people to switch their long distance carriers.
But, at the same time, don't assume that just because someone has the trappings of success, they're on the up-and-up. Sometimes, the reason they have that nice house and car is because they didn't share fairly with their previous associates.
8. If you suggest a contract or the involvement of lawyers, and they show the slightest hesitation or stall tactic, run the other way. Here are some key phrases that should cause you to hear the voice of Dick Tufeld as the Lost in Space robot blaring, "Danger, Will Robinson"…
"Come on…we don't need to bring lawyers into this…we all trust one another…"
"Contracts take forever and I'm really ready to move on this project."
"Oh, sure, we'll draw up a contract…but first, I have to get all my ducks in a row." (I've already warned you about this.)
"Hey, I've been doing business on a handshake all my life…"
"We have a relationship here…"
And here's my favorite and, yes, someone actually tried this one on me once: "Listen, my brother is a lawyer and he's handling matters for me. Just to show good faith, I'll have him represent your interests, as well. That way, you won't have to waste money on an attorney."
No, wait. I just realized that was my second-favorite. Here's my favorite and it is, again, an example from life: "It's been my experience that contracts are worthless. Anyone with a decent lawyer can break any contract that's ever been written. That's why I don't mess with them. I deal in trust. If two parties have a genuine bond of trust, no lawyer in the world can destroy that."
9. Beware of the person who wants you to work for free, says he or she has a Very Important Contact that is certain to make things happen…but won't tell you the name of that Very Important Contact.
Or if they do tell you the name of that Very Important Contact, ask them how they know this person and don't let up until they answer. If you're expected to trust them to do right with your spec work, they ought to trust you with this information.
I once had a wanna-be producer tell me he was "in tight" with Sidney Lumet. All through the call, it was "Sid said this " and "Sid said that." After relentless cross-examination, it turned out that the guy hadn't actually met Sidney Lumet, but had a brother who'd done some carpentry work at his house. Top directors do not sit around and wait for some relative of their handyman to suggest their next picture.
10. And finally, if you do decide you want to invest in an idea, invest in one of your own. You must have a couple lying around — things you've always wanted to write or draw…ideas that excite you…projects that you think should be done, and not just because they'll make a buck for someone. (Although, making a buck can be a perfectly acceptable reason, all by itself.)
There's an old Jewish curse: "May you have partners." It came about because being in a partnership is difficult — not impossible, mind you, but difficult. When it works at all, it works because two parties have common interests and common investments. It almost never works when one is looking to exploit the other. The analogies to a marriage are too obvious to go into.
When I assert that professionals do not work for free, I mean they don't work for free for others. There's nothing wrong with working for free for yourself. There's also nothing wrong in teaming up with someone you really trust — someone who might take half the money but who at least is going to do half of the heavy lifting. Those alliances sometimes lead to something.
So those are my ten tips and I hope you've enjoyed them. There's really a lot of interest in this topic…so much so that I'm absolutely certain that, if you'll just bang out a few pages, we can sell a book about it. I'll function as kind of a point man on it…and don't worry. This thing is guaranteed. I have a terrific contact who says so. He's the cousin of the guy who fixes the Cappuccino machine at Random House. In fact, I'm so sure this will make us all rich that I'm going to have my lawyer draw up a contract —
— just as soon as I get all my ducks in a row.