Skimming Late Night

I'm not liking CNN's The Story of Late Night for several reasons, one being that it's on CNN. CNN's programming template — cutting away from programming every few minutes for more than a few minutes of commercials — is probably okay for news coverage. A large chunk of those who watch the network are sitting in airports or bars or restaurants, kind of half-watching and waiting for a story that matters to them. But trying to follow an hour-long narrative can be maddening.

I just watched the most recent episode — titled "Leno Vs. Letterman" but as much about other hosts — and it felt like I spent more time fast-forwarding than watching The Story of Late Night. I kept thinking about all the parts of that topic's history they skipped entirely in order to plug next week's installment what seemed like twenty times. No mention of Jay's first bandleader. Scant mention of the troubles with Jay's manager serving as his first exec producer. No mention of Letterman hiring Mike Ovitz to, basically, try to get Leno fired. No mention of Letterman firing his longtime producer.

And they kind of truncated a pivotal moment in how the battle one might call "Leno Vs. Letterman" turned out. Too many people think it went like this: Jay is tailing Dave badly. Jay has Hugh Grant on and beats Dave that night. Jay then starts beating Dave every night.

It went more like this: Jay is slowly gaining on Dave and it's pretty obvious to anyone who looks at the numbers that he will soon pass Letterman. Then he has Hugh Grant on and he not only wins that night but enough people who (I guess) haven't watched Jay lately like what they see and come back the next night and the next night (etc.). So Jay starts beating Dave a month or two before it would have happened without Hugh Grant.

That's a key point. You don't have that big a shift in viewing patterns wholly because of one episode that's high on the curiosity scale. That's only good for one night.

Given the time constraints, The Story of Late Night rushed through that matter and it sounded like Hugh Grant was the only factor in how that big contest played out. (And I should say I don't mean to fault the folks who made this documentary. If any of us had done it with so little time to cover so much history, we'd have left out oodles of things that belonged in it. I'm faulting whoever decided that the entire story of late night television could be covered in six hours, let alone six hours so dense with commercials.)

Having a successful late night show involves two achievements: (1) Getting people to tune in when the show commences and (2) Keeping them watching for most of the hour. You might be able to do (1) real well but if you can't do (2), you probably don't win your time slot.

This is one of the main reasons — there were others — why it was such a bad idea to later install Leno at 10 PM with a semi-clone of The Tonight Show. Put a talk show on against an hour drama at 11:30 and the talk show would have a great chance. A lot of people wouldn't have wanted to start watching CSI Wherever at 11:35 PM because they don't want to commit to staying up until 12:35 AM to see whodunnit and if they got caught. If you tune in an hour talk show, you stick around until you lose interest. You aren't left dangling if you change the channel or hit the sack.

A prime time show competes with viewers changing the channel. A late night show competes with viewers changing the channel or (big "OR") deciding to go to bed — as everyone has to do at some point.

The story of Leno overtaking Letterman in late night is the story of how Jay got his viewers to stick around longer and how Dave's viewers began changing the channel or going to bed sooner. Even during the period when Dave was clobbering The Tonight Show in the ratings, the two shows were very competitive during their respective first acts. I dunno if testing/research showed this or if it was just an obvious-to-some assumption but the popular wisdom around NBC was that plenty of folks tuned in Jay to watch his monologue, then switched over to Dave.

So Jay lengthened the monologue. In fact, he lengthened all of Act One and inserted more comedy spots into that act and ramped up the energy of it all in a way that carried on through Act Two when he did a comedy bit like Headlines or Jaywalking, and into Act Three with his first guest and so on.

This is not something I figured out. A couple of folks laboring in the late night mines for both networks schooled me on it. One quoted to me numbers I no longer remember but they went something like this: Before Jay overtook Dave, X% of Dave's audience stayed almost to the end of the show, whereas the lower Y% of Jay's audience hung in there. When Jay pulled ahead, the numbers were almost exactly reversed.

It would be nice if someday, someone did a documentary series about late night that had time to delve into matters like this…and of course, it would be nice to have seen longer clips and longer chunks of interviews. You could easily do six hours just on Steve Allen or Jack Paar…or twelve on Johnny. I'll bet CNN already has a lot of the material you'd need to assemble such a thing.

It was odd to see that they interviewed so many people but that it doesn't seem they talked with Dave or Jay. Jay's usually a guy who's available for anything so I wonder if Dave said no, causing them to decide not to ask Jay. They did talk with Conan O'Brien so I wonder how (or if) they'll tell Jay's side of the Conan/Jay debacle. I'm of the opinion that both Leno and O'Brien were treated shabbily by their network in that mess but a lot of folks like to only focus on Conan's victimhood.

Today's Bonus Video Link

This is this evening's live webcast from the fine folks who bring you The San Diego Comic-Con Unofficial Blog, a fine website not affiliated, connected or associated with Comic-Con International. But they talk all about the con and give out valuable news and advice about it…and every year — tonight for the fourth time — they have me on as a guest. So this installment is me talking about the convention and telling stories and I don't know what the hell was wrong with my audio. It sounded fine when we did it…

Today's Video Link

Another rendition of the "Meet the Flintstones" theme. This one is played by Owen Mole and the Molestones, who are (I guess) students at the Cary School of Music…

My Latest Tweet

  • Waiting for Mitch McConnell to explain that there are more important matters than having a bipartisan commission investigate January 6th. We need to do at least three more partisan investigations of Benghazi.

Dispatches From the Fortress – Day 440

When COVID-19 vaccines became available, we all suddenly had to make a decision about whether to get vaccinated. Mine was easy. My general physician, my gastroenterologist, my proctologist and my urologist all said, independent of one another, "Get whichever vaccine you can get and get it as soon as possible." Those are four very smart men to whom I entrust vital parts of my body.

Yes, if I'd looked at the Internet before deciding, I could have found some stranger — possibly even one who claims to be a doctor — advise against it. If you search the web enough, you can find someone who'll tell you anything you want to (or don't want to) hear. I have an acquaintance with whom I refuse to dine because no matter what I order — and if you ate with him, no matter what you order — he will look at it and say, "You're not going to put that in your body, are you?"

Last time we dined together, it was chicken noodle soup: "Do you know how they raise chickens? Do you know how they make noodles? And there's probably salt in there."

There will always be such people and if you listen to all of them, you will perish from malnutrition. I would be killed by my food allergies.

Whether to get vaccinated is now an old, albeit ongoing debate. Lately though, I cannot turn on TV news without seeing someone explain why they absolutely will not under any circumstances wear a mask in public. Maybe they did before for a time but COVID-19, they insist, is now a thing of the past. It is their right, they say, to choose to not mask-up…though some of them seem to get quite outraged when someone else exercises their right to wear one.

I almost don't mind the ones who can spout actual research and justify not wearing a mask in public but (a) I think they're wrong and (b) I don't see why it's such an inconvenience to err on the side of caution and put one on. The ones I really don't understand are the ones who say they won't wear one because it's an imposition on personal freedom and this is America where no one can force you to do anything you don't want to do. Yeah, like stopping for red lights or dumping your garbage in the street or bringing in some virus from another country.

I hear these people and I think of those signs like the one posted above — No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service — and I think the mask-decriers should be asked, "Do you object to them? Are they an attack on your personal freedom?" How about if a restaurant says it won't serve anyone not abiding by its dress code? There are folks out there who think a private business has the right to refuse service to gays or racial minorities but not to insist that everyone who shops there wear a mask.

I will admit that it's a little puzzling these days to decide where you need a mask and where you don't. I solve that puzzle by wearing one everywhere I go, the single exception being when I'm outside and not passing near others. I don't find it troubling…and I wonder how many who do simply need to find a more comfortable mask.

Meanwhile, Kevin Drum, whose statistics I tend to believe, calculates today — and yes, he shows his math — that "if you are unvaccinated, your odds of getting a case of COVID-19 serious enough to require hospitalization are 55 times higher than they are if you get the vaccination."

He sees this as proof of how effective the vaccines are and I'm sure it's mostly that. But I wonder how much of the difference has to do with human behavior. Even after I got my second shot, I really did not change my lifestyle or my mask-wearing in any significant way. I'm pretty comfy staying home, I have no desire to eat in restaurants and there are still no public events I yearn to attend. I still may not have come near anyone who could possibly transmit the disease to me.

But there are folks who, after their final shot, decided they were invulnerable and began going to parties and eating in public and going out a lot more and often not wearing masks. They're vaccinated but doesn't it seem logical that they're a bit more likely to get the disease than I am just because they're more likely to be exposed to it? I'd like to think my odds are even better than 1 in 55.

Today's Bonus Video Link

You probably watch Last Week Tonight with John Oliver but just in case you don't, here's the main story from the episode that debuted last night. I think this is one of his better ones…

Today's Video Link

Another rendition of the "Meet the Flintstones" theme. This one is…well, I'm really not sure what this one is…

Paul Harris and His Late Night Scoop

I'm too busy this evening to take in tonight's episode of The Story of Late Night on CNN but I'm not in a great hurry. I did break to watch John Oliver and he was excellent…better, I thought, than he's been in a while.

The CNN series is trying to cover too many topics in too little time and I don't think it's humanly possible to really explain some of these things — like why Jay got The Tonight Show or how Dave's reps tried to get him fired or that whole mess with Conan — in six hours, let alone a fragment of one hour out of six. It's safe and snug on my TiVo and I'll get around to watching it when I have the time.

But right now, I'm going to link you to a piece by my longtime pal Paul Harris, who was the first person in mainstream media to break the news that someone named Conan O'Brien would be taking over the 12:35 slot on NBC from David Letterman. The story you are about to read is true.

Today's Audio Link

This is from about ten years ago on this site…

bingoringo02

In late 1964, Lorne Greene was not only the star of the biggest hit show on TV — Bonanza — but he also had a surprising hit record. It was called "Ringo" and apart from perhaps poaching on the guy's name, it had nothing to do with the drummer for The Beatles. It was one of those talking/singing western ballad tunes and they sold an awful lot of them. If you don't know the song, it has been (like everything else that ever existed) uploaded to YouTube.

At the time, Hanna-Barbera had a record label and someone got the idea to have Huckleberry Hound record a parody that would be about Ringo Starr. This is it with the great Daws Butler performing the vocal. The flip side was also Daws as Huck. It was "Clementine," which we offered you back in this link.

I don't believe they sold a lot of copies of this. I was a huge Hanna-Barbera fan and I don't think I even saw this at the time. But here's "Bingo Ringo"…


Also, while we're speaking of Daws: The other day on Dan Shahin's fine webcast, I mentioned that Daws had recorded a couple of messages for my answering machine. This was back when we all had answering machines instead of voicemail, and everyone tried to outdo everyone else with a fancy or funny outgoing message. A couple of folks wrote to ask about mine so here are the two that Daws did for me…

Today's Video Link

Another rendition of the "Meet the Flintstones" theme. This one is Patrick Boyle on the guitar…

Today's Video Link

Another rendition of the "Meet the Flintstones" theme. This one is by Scotty and it may be my favorite so far…

Mushroom Soup Weekend

There is work to be done, to be done. Not much will be posted here until a script gets finished.

Today's Video Link

Another rendition of the "Meet the Flintstones" theme. This one is from William Gamache, a man who owns at least four t-shirts and I'm not sure how many trombones…

Meals on Wheels

Throughout this annoying Pandemic thing, I've been relying a lot on delivery services. For prepared meals, it's almost always GrubHub or DoorDash and with either, chow usually arrives promptly…but there are the occasional mistakes.

A lady friend is staying with me this weekend and last night, we ordered a batch of Italian food to be delivered by Grubhub. The order arrived in a timely manner but a small pizza we'd ordered was nowhere to be found. I went on the Grubhub app and clicked where you click to report a missing item and instantly, the app told me they were sorry and that the full price of the pizza — $16.00 — was being refunded to my credit card.

There was no option for "No, have someone else bring me my damned pizza" but I guess I could have just ordered it anew if it mattered that much to me. Of course, I'd probably have had to pay another delivery fee of some kind and the deliverer would have deserved a tip. But I was impressed with how immediately I got my refund.

This morning, my friend asked if we could have breakfast delivered from a favorite fast food company. Demonstrating what a wild and free spender I am, I opened the app on my phone and placed an order that came to a whopping $15.00 and, again in a timely manner, it was delivered. This time, the courier was DoorDash.

And this time, the problem was that they delivered the wrong breakfast sandwich. They gave me one that because of my food allergies, I could not eat.

So I went onto the DoorDash app, clicked where you're supposed to click for such an error and this time, the app gave me a perfunctory apology and an offer of $1.81 in credit. This is for a sandwich that cost $4.51.

There are times when you feel silly quibbling over a couple of dollars. And there are times when you feel as a matter of principle, you ought to pursue the couple of dollars. This was the latter. I told the app the offer was not satisfactory and it put me into a "chat" situation. It first asked me to describe the problem and I typed in an explanation. Then it said to wait for one of their representatives to join me in chat so they could resolve the matter to my satisfaction.

So I waited. And I waited. And I waited. Then it dumped me out of chat mode and I had to start over. I entered my explanation again and this time, it only took about two minutes before someone with a female name joined me in chat.

I guess "she" is a person but I also guess "she" is sitting there with a screenful of pre-written responses and "her" job is to just select the appropriate one and maybe fill in a blank or two. But if she does have those pre-written responses, I'm guessing they weren't written by someone for whom English is a first — or maybe even a second language. I am transcribing the following directly off my iPhone screen and not altering any of the grammar. I'm also omitting "her" name so this person does not get scolded or fired…

"SHE": Hi! My name is [REDACTED]. Give me a few seconds to pull up your account info.

"SHE": Thank you for bringing this up to our attention, rest assured that I'll be working with you on this.

"SHE": Hi Mark, thank you so much for contacting us regarding on this issue you had with your order. I understand that this is really frustrating that you have received an incorrect order, and waited and hoping that you'll received your correct order. It makes me sad to hear this happened and you have to deal with the process in extending your time to contact us. No worries I am here to help you.

"SHE": I know you've spent a lot of time and money on this already. Let me make it right.

ME: You can make it right by just refunding me the full price of the item I didn't receive.

"SHE": Yes, Mark, no worries! I am now checking your order from [NAME OF FAST FOOD RESTAURANT]. Please bear with me as I check what is the available option to resolved his issue for you.

"SHE": I'll make sure to do the best I can to straighten things out for you.

"SHE": Thank you so much for your patience.

"SHE": I can issue you $4.51 in DoorDash credits which will be available to use immediately and will automatically apply to your next order, excluding Dasher tip!

"SHE": Please let me know if you would like a refund back to your payment method or a redelivery instead.

ME: The refund will be fine. Thanks.

"SHE": Thank you so much, let me process this for you quickly Mark.

"SHE": One moment please and thank you!

"SHE": I appreciate your patience with us Mark! Just to confirm, you reported that item in your order was not correct and I was able to issue $4.51 back to your original payment method.

"SHE": The pending charge is a temporary hold that won't be processed and will be removed from your original payment method within 3 business days – this timing is set by your bank. You may track the details of your refund on your mobile phone by visiting the "Orders" tab in your app and clicking into the delivery.

"SHE:" Again I apologize for the trouble with this order but I'm glad I was able to help. Have I resolved all your concerns with this order?

ME: Yes, thank you.

"SHE": Thank you so much! We truly value you and I hope that I was able to satisfy you with the help I have provided you. Thank you if everything's all good now, I wish you would have a great day!

"SHE": Stay safe and take care and don't forget to put a smile on your face after a long day. Good bye for now, Mark!

I encounter this more and more these days and I'm betting you do too. You don't know if you're "chatting" with a person or a computer or some unholy amalgam. I'm sure no one is sitting there — wherever the hell "there" is — composing those dissertations from scratch for each customer. But I don't get why they're written so awkwardly and so expansively, like they're trying to waste a lot of my time explaining how they know how maddening it is to have this kind of thing take up my time.

I'm going to guess GrubHub's computer is set to issue an instant refund for any complaint under X dollars or maybe X% of the total order. I've probably paid upwards of a thousand bucks this past year to DoorDash and its computer wanted to haggle with me and see if I'd take $1.81 for my $4.51 undelivered item and then when I wouldn't, it ate up fifteen minutes of my life. But at least it provided me with a blog post that isn't about COVID, Donald Trump or the theme from The Flintstones. So I guess I should be grateful.