Tales From Kmart

This article ran here on May 19, 2011. The Kmart of which I write is long gone from my neighborhood. The building actually turned into a museum of Britney Spears memorabilia before it closed for COVID and it's still shut tight.

Why did it stop being a Kmart?  Because as we've discussed occasionally on this blog, Kmart and its sister company Sears have been mismanaged into near-oblivion.  Once upon a time, there were 2,486 Kmarts in the world.  Today, there are about a dozen.  This piece may also suggest a reason for their decline…

My cleaning lady told me we were all out of Lysol. I said I'd pick some up and I forgot when I was at the market the other day. So I stopped this morning at the closest place to get some, which was a nearby Kmart.

In the parking lot, which also serves a CVS Pharmacy, a Whole Foods and a few other businesses, I ran into a lady I knew who used to have a high position at the NBC Network. We made small talk which got smaller when I mentioned I was on my way into the Kmart. She looked at me like I'd just said I was about to go down to Skid Row and bunk with the homeless people. "Why would you ever go into a Kmart?" she asked…and "To buy Lysol" turned out to not be much of an answer.

"It's just…" and here she was having trouble finding the words to express why that was wrong. The point was so obvious to her that it went without saying. Finally, she said, "Kmart is for the kind of people who'd shop at Kmart."

Well, hard to argue with that. I said, "I need some Lysol. They sell Lysol. What's wrong with going there to buy it?"

She pointed to the other end of the mall and said, "They probably have Lysol at the CVS store."

I said, "Yes…and it's the exact same Lysol and it's probably not any cheaper down there, plus the Kmart is closer."

When I noted it was the same Lysol, I suddenly reminded myself of something. Ten or fifteen years ago, I had to buy a small household appliance. I checked out Consumer Reports and they recommended a certain brand and a certain model. Let's say it was the Acme 74W. The next day, I was passing that Kmart and I ducked in to see if they had it. They didn't but they had the Acme 74X. I thought, "Well, how different could that be?" and I bought it.

Which turned out to be a mistake. It was a terrible product. I phoned up the Customer Service folks at the Acme Company (not the same one that makes Road Runner traps) and asked if I'd gotten a defective item or I didn't understand how to use it or what. I got an uncommonly honest person on the phone who told me basically that I'd purchased their crappy version. The 74W was a fine product. The 74X was a piece of junk.

"You should have looked at the price," she said. "The 74W is $65. Places like Kmart can't or don't want to sell it to their clientele so we designed the 74X for them. You probably paid about thirty bucks for it."

I looked at my Kmart receipt which I'd pulled out for possible returning purposes. "I paid $29.98," I told her. She said, "Well, there you are. I mean, it's a good thirty dollar appliance but it's like paying less than half of what you have to spend to buy a decent meal. Some people can't afford anything better. That's why they have the Value Menu at McDonald's."

I took her point. The $30 appliance went back to Kmart for a refund and I found the 74W online for $50 and ordered it. It worked fine.

If I'd been the Acme Company — which actually has a famous name, one you'd probably know — I don't think I'd be putting my brand on cheapo merchandise. I might service that marketplace with products under another trademark but I don't think I'd devalue my reputation by applying it to intentionally low-grade products. But that's another matter. Standing there in the parking lot, talking with the lady who used to work at NBC, I thought, She's right in a way. She's just not right about this particular example. They don't make a cheaper grade of Lysol.

At least, I don't think they do. The bottle I ended up buying said on it, "Kills All Germs!" not "Kills Some Germs and Not Others!"

She didn't want to shop at Kmart because of some sort of snobbishness. I don't mind shopping there but I've learned to be cautious of the mindset that the cheapest alternative is always the one you should buy, which is sometimes the dynamic you get in a place like Kmart.

But not always. Not long ago in a men's store, I found a kind of pajama that I really like. A pair was $40 and I'd been meaning to go back there and buy a couple more next time I'm in that area. Now I don't have to. While carrying my other purchase out of Kmart, I passed through their men's clothing section and found the same pajamas — and I mean exactly the same — for $19.95.

I just told this story on the phone to a friend of mine who remarked, "Great…but what if it turns out the $19.95 pajamas are so cheap because the people who make them in some primitive country have a deadly disease and it's transmitted through the material?" I thought for a second and replied, "Well, I guess that's what the Lysol is for…"

Ron, Remembered

A nice obit for Ron Goulart in The New York Times. We may never know how many books that man wrote but it's more than most people have read.

Mushroom Soup Friday

I know most of you will find this hard to believe but I have things I must do today that are actually more important than blogging. I will be back later with something but I have no idea what or when.

Domenic Andreone, R.I.P.

Often on this blog, I've made mention of Andre's, a little Italian cafeteria here in Los Angeles that serves very, very good pasta and pizza and a few other dishes for very, very reasonable prices. I've been eating there since I was a tot and it's just a great place — not fancy but fun.

Sad to say, Chef Andre passed away Monday morning at the age of 99. He was an important L.A. restaurateur who for many years had a popular fancy place in Beverly Hills. My parents took me there too once or twice and one time around 1967, I saw and exchanged waves there with Robert Kennedy. Andre's of Beverly Hills was the kind of place where you saw important people.

Domenic Andreone was a native of Northern Italy and he studied his art/craft at the world-famous Le Cordon Bleu culinary school in Paris, France. Andre's of Beverly Hills, which he opened on Wilshire Boulevard in 1959 was an immediate hit and with the profits, he opened several smaller, family places around Southern California. The one I frequent — the only Andre's of his that remains — opened in 1963 and is nestled in a shopping center across the street from the famed Farmers Market.

Photo by me

A few years ago, the proprietors of that shopping center were planning major renovations that would have razed the building in which Andre's is located. There were protests and I even went in and spoke before something called the Mid City West Community Council, urging them to take action that might keep Andre's open and catering to the folks who flock to the place.

I don't know if the Council did it or the business plans fell through or if COVID had anything to do with it but Andre's, which once looked like it had but months to live, is still open and thriving. If you're ever near the corner of Fairfax Avenue and 3rd Street and crave great spaghetti or pizza or chicken parm, stop in. The menu, hours and address can be found here.

You can also honor the memory of Chef Andre and enjoy his recipes if you're out in Canoga Park. Another fun, inexpensive restaurant called Grandi Italiani was opened a few years ago by a gent named Aron Celnik, who was Chef Andre's protégé and the manager of Andre's near me for many years. With the Chef's blessing, he offers the same menu there. Here's the info on it. We may have lost Chef Andre himself but his cuisine lives on.

The Mysterious Mr. Vern

Earlier today, I linked to a 1965 Allan Sherman TV special that I enjoyed very much as a kid. I am about to tell you just about everything I know about one of the credited writers on it…a gent name David Vern. I wish I knew more.

David Vern wrote a lot of TV shows, including work with Red Buttons and Sam Levenson.  But he also wrote a lot of pulp magazines, science-fiction novels and comic books. The pulps, novels and comics were usually signed with pen names including Coram Nobis, David V. Reed, Alexander Blade and David Levine. His real name was David Levine and as that was also the real name of at least two other men who worked in comics and cartooning, that caused some confusion.

All of Vern's known comic book writing was for DC Comics, starting apparently with a Batman story in 1949. Among the comics in which his work appeared were Superman, Mystery in Space, House of Mystery, House of Secrets, Strange Adventures, Danger Trail and most of the war and romance titles. His employment there probably had a lot to do with Julius Schwartz. Before Julie became an editor at DC, he was an agent for science-fiction writers and one of his clients was Dave Vern.  Mr. Vern had gone to high school with another writer of pulp science-fiction, John Broome, and he helped Broome break into writing for DC where he became one of their best writers.

Vern was also a good friend of Allan Sherman, dating back to before Sherman became a performer with top-selling comedy records. Back then, Mr. Sherman was a producer of game shows, most notably I've Got a Secret, which he co-created. In 1961, Sherman was in Los Angeles producing Your Surprise Package, a short-lived quiz program hosted by Groucho's old sidekick, George Fenneman. Here's the opening to one episode…

A few years later when Sherman was a star, he wrote his autobiography, A Gift of Laughter. I've recommended it here before because it's a pretty good book…not particularly accurate but very entertaining. In it, he told this story about how some of the offices at CBS had no windows so they'd hang curtains on a wall as if you did have a window but for some reason preferred to keep the drapes closed over it…

One of the writers on the show, a brilliant and dissolute soul named David Vern, took advantage of the bare wall behind the drapery in his office. He would arrive every morning and lock himself in, and we would hear him humming and singing and busily occupied inside. He never let anyone else into his office for months, and we all wondered what the hell he was doing in there. I would yell in to Dave that we needed the script, and pages would keep sliding out from under the door. But never, never would he let me or anyone else in that office.

A year later, when the show went off the air, I found out what he'd been doing in there. Dave is a very literate man, and in his youth was a fine illustrator. He was fascinated, not only by his bare wall, but by the question: "How long will it be until someone finally opens these draperies?"

From his childhood, Dave remembered reading The Cask of Amontillado, Edgar Allan Poe's horror classic about a man who seals his enemy into a brick wall. And so for one solid year, Dave had labored in that locked office, and on the day we left he called me in to show me his masterwork.

"Behold!" Dave exclaimed, and he pulled the drapes open. The entire wall had been painted in oils and appeared to be an exact replica of a freshly laid brick wall. You could feel the wet mortar between the bricks. And near the bottom, in the scrawl of an obviously suffocating man, was the message: "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MONTRESOR!"

Dave was apparently also writing comic books in that office, mailing scripts in to faraway New York. He seems to have treated writing for DC as supplementary income to his work in television and for novels and magazines.

Mort Weisinger and his book.

He was also involved with a very interesting book that was published in 1970. Back when the novel Valley of the Dolls was on the best-seller list, a lot of folks wrote imitations and one of them was Mort Weisinger, the longtime editor of the Superman comics for DC.  Weisinger had been a judge for the Miss America beauty pageant and he "wrote" (I'm using that word loosely) a steamy novel about the backstage doings at a similar competition.  Or maybe it would be more accurate to say he edited it.

It was reportedly ghost-written by a tag team of freelancers he knew which included DC scribes Bob Haney and Dave Vern. It was called The Contest and it sold well and made Weisinger a lot of money, partly due to a huge movie sale, though no movie was ever made of it. (I just found my copy of the book to scan its cover for you.  Somewhere here, I have a copy of the screenplay.)

Vern's last published comic book work seems to have taken him full circle at DC with a number of Batman stories between 1975 and 1978.  The editor was his old colleague, Julius Schwartz.  According to Vern's Wikipedia page (which makes no mention of his TV work), he died in 1994. I never met the man but I enjoyed a lot of his work…in comics and on TV. The guy sure got around.

Today's Video Link

On the evening of January 18, 1965 — in the week before Lyndon Johnson was sworn in for his full term as president — NBC aired a great special called Allan Sherman's Funnyland. It starred (of course) Allan Sherman and his guests included Lorne Greene, Jack Gilford and Angie Dickinson. One of the high points was when Mr. Greene sang his then-current hit record "Ringo," followed by Allan Sherman walking out to perform a parody of it.

I thought it was a great special…and I guess it was also a pilot but it didn't turn into a series. I played it over and over again…and you may be wondering how I could do that in 1965, long before anyone had invented the VCR or the DVR or anything that would record both video and audio off the TV. I recorded just the latter on my Webcor reel-to-reel tape recorder and listened to it often for several years. Three decades later, I managed to obtain a DVD of the show and it really was as good as I always remembered.

Someone uploaded a video of the special to archive.org and I've embedded it below. The image isn't great but it's watchable…and if you start watching it, I have a feeling you'll watch the whole 59 minutes of it. Later today, I'll tell you some interesting things about one of the people who worked on it…

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Late Night News

Late Night with David Letterman debuted on NBC on February 1, 1982. It later turned into Late Night with Conan O'Brien and then Late Night with Jimmy Fallon and now it's Late Night with Seth Meyers. I think those were/are four pretty good shows. I haven't linked lately to one of Seth's "A Closer Look" segments but I think most of them are excellent.

Next week is the fortieth anniversary of Late Night and Meyers has David Letterman as his guest for that episode…and it wouldn't surprise me to see one or both of the others make an appearance. Fallon's working in the same building. Why would he not drop by?

The announcements say it's the episode for Tuesday, February 1. This gets us back to something that used to bug me in the Letterman days. I wanted to record every broadcast of the show on my VHS recorder but that recorder had an option to take a "season pass" for each each episode on individual days and it had an option to record a show Monday through Friday…but in my time zone, as with most, Late Night was not on Monday through Friday.

It starts after Midnight so it's on Tuesday through Saturday…and that VCR had no option for that. So I could either set five separate season passes — one for each night — or a Monday through Friday pass plus another one for Saturday, then I'd just delete whatever it recorded Monday morning at 12:30 AM.

Yeah, I know. Not the biggest problem in the world. But often when they referred to the episode that would air Wednesday night, it was the one that was technically on Thursday morning.

Right now, my TiVo says that the episode for Tuesday, February 1 features Ike Barinholtz, Bridget Everett and Hayley Brownell. There's no programming information yet for the show that — according to TiVo — airs Wednesday, February 2 but I think that's the one with Letterman. It may feel like Tuesday night when it airs but to TiVo, it's Wednesday morning…I think.

Speaking of late night TV: Howie Mandel, like everyone these days, has a podcast and his guest this week is Jay Leno. Howie is quite adamant that Leno was unfairly criticized for "stealing" The Tonight Show from Letterman and later for doing something treacherous to O'Brien. I happen to share these viewpoints. Howie almost scolds Jay for not doing a better job defending himself and it makes for an interesting discussion…if you're still interested in that kind of thing. If you are, you can listen to it here.

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The Keaton-Kelly Mystery…Solved! (Twice!)

So we became intrigued about this mystery. In the latest New Yorker, author Adam Gopnik reviewed two new books about Buster Keaton and offered a quote about Keaton from — and I quote: "His brother-in-law, the cartoonist Walt Kelly." That would seem to be the cartoonist Walt Kelly who created and drew my favorite comic strip (and yours if you have a lick o' sense), Pogo.

Walt Kelly scholars — like, say, me — were amazed at the claim that Kelly was Keaton's brother-in-law. So were folks who knew Walt personally — like, say, his son Peter. We all began puzzling and puzzling 'til our puzzlers were sore…and I'll single out a couple of folks who went to work on this mystery and came up with some solid clues: Maggie Thompson, Harry McCracken and Mike Whybark.

We thought we had it solved when someone discovered that in Keaton's autobiography, My Wonderful World of Slapstick, there are several mentions of a performer named Walter C. Kelly, who was one of Keaton's father's best friends.  He's also mentioned in Rudi Blesh's authorized biography of Keaton (entitled Keaton).

This Walter C. Kelly was an actor on the vaudeville circuit when The Three Keatons — Buster being one of them — were touring on that circuit. He portrayed a character called The Virginia Judge, who appears to have been quite the redneck, spouting jokes that might go over big at a Ku Klux Klan rally. He was popular enough to make it to Broadway and movies. The above lobby card is from a 1935 film he made as his stage character, three years before he died in a traffic accident. He was the uncle of Grace Kelly, who went from being a movie star to being the Princess of Monaco.

There is no evidence yet that this Walter C. Kelly was a cartoonist or that he was related to Buster Keaton. But we were thinking maybe the answer to this riddle was that someone had that Walter C. Kelly confused with the Walter C. Kelly who drew Pogo. The Pogo guy's full name was Walter Crawford Kelly, Jr.

That seemed to be the answer but it was, of course, dead wrong. As it turns out, Buster Keaton had two Walt Kellys in his life, neither one of whom did Pogo. One of the two Keaton books that Adam Gopnik was reviewing was by James Curtis. Here's the cover of the book and a picture of the author…

And here's an e-mail that I received this morning from James Curtis…

I think I can clarify the matter regarding Buster Keaton and Walt Kelly, but only somewhat.

I am the author of the upcoming book Adam Gopnik was referencing, and Buster Keaton did indeed have a brother-in-law named Walt Kelly. But why Gopnik made the completely unnecessary assumption that the Walt Kelly who was married to Eleanor Keaton's younger sister Jane was the same Walt Kelly who created Pogo is beyond me. As you know, that Walt Kelly died in 1973. As of two months ago, the Walt Kelly I interviewed was still alive and living in Southern California. He is certainly not identified as the other Walt Kelly in my book.

The review appeared on line yesterday morning, and Leonard Maltin wrote to congratulate me. I mentioned this odd situation of confusing a career military officer with a world-renowned cartoonist. He said: "So much for fact-checking!" I also heard from a gentleman in Seattle who was writing on behalf of a Facebook group called "I Go Pogo" asking if I could throw some light on the matter. I told him what I knew, and he thanked me for the clarification. "It's sort of amusing," he commented, "even if it's disappointing to read it from a pen of such a high caliber. I've been pondering this all day…"

I wonder how many others have been pondering it as well.

To be fair, Adam Gopnik didn't say the Walt Kelly that he was quoting was the cartoonist who produced Pogo; just that he was a cartoonist. But a lot of us were doing a lot of pondering. Thanks to Mr. Curtis for his quick clarification and I have already ordered a copy of his book. If you'd like to get your order in, here's a link.

By the way: Several people wrote to remind me that Walt Kelly (the Pogo guy) worked for several years for Walt Disney here in Southern California so he could have crossed paths with Buster Keaton. Yes, he could have…but there's no reason to assume he did. And of course, I did know about his Disney work. One of the things I inherited from his daughter Carolyn was a folder with all his Disney pay slips, his Disney contracts, inter-office memos, invites to Disney debauchery parties, the samples that got him his job there, etc. I even have this…

Next time I go over to the lot, I'm going to flash it and see if they'll let me in. With my luck, they'll probably think I'm one of the other Walt Kellys.

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Today's Video Link

And here we have sixteen minutes of scenes that were shot for Young Frankenstein but which Mel Brooks wisely did not include in the final release.

I once sat through a screening of The Producers which contained about eight minutes of scenes that were eventually deleted, including several failed attempts by Max, Leo and the Kraut to blow up the theater before they got to the one that succeeded. The film was way better without those scenes and I suspect Young Frankenstein was way better without these. Still, it's nice to see more of those actors…

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A Large Load of Laugh-In

Sometimes, you just can't resist a sale. When The Complete Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In — all six seasons of it — was released on DVD, it cost $250. Now, it's down to $61.60.

That buys you 126 hours and 4 minutes on 37 discs. You could watch them for more than five straight days and when you finished, we could send men over to take you away to a very small room with very soft walls for the rest of your life. I just ordered one so guess where I'll be headed 126 hours and 4 minutes after it arrives.

Actually, I'm not sure why I ordered it. I know the shows seem very dated now and repetitive and if I do watch them, it'll be something like one episode every few weeks. But I have a certain affection — and maybe a lot of it is my nostalgia and my brief crush on Judy Carne — but…well, it's like I said: Sometimes, you just can't resist a sale. If you're like me in this regard, and I certainly hope you aren't, here's a link to order.

Keaton 'n' Kelly

The New Yorker has a nice article about the enduring appeal of Buster Keaton's work. Adam Gopnik wrote it reviewing two new books on Buster and it's worth reading but some of us are puzzled by this one passage…

In 1933, he was fired by Louis B. Mayer, essentially for being too smashed, on and off the set, to work. Keaton's M-G-M experience, despite various efforts by Thalberg and others to keep his career alive as a gag writer, ruined his art. The next decades are truly painful to read about, as Keaton went in and out of hospitals and clinics, falling off the wagon and then sobering up again. His brother-in-law, the cartoonist Walt Kelly, recalls that "nobody really wanted to put him under control because he was a lot of fun."

Walt Kelly was Buster Keaton's brother-in-law? I consider myself something of an authority on both men and I never heard that. I checked with Walt Kelly's son Peter and he never heard it either. You'd think he'd know.

One might also note that during the period discussed — the years Keaton was in and out of hospitals and clinics — he was in Los Angeles and the cartoonist Walt Kelly who drew the Pogo comic strip was in Connecticut and/or New York. And nowhere in Kelly's voluminous writings have I seen any mention of Buster Keaton. So what's the deal here?