Slowly but surely, life is drifting towards normal in a world where The Pandemic is of less and less concern. It's still out there. People are still catching it. People are still dying or being seriously hospitalized. Nothing in this post should suggest that masks aren't a good idea in some situations, hands should not be washed or COVID is no longer a concern. But if you're like me, you're now doing some things you refrained from doing before we all heard the word "coronavirus." I have gone to a party, gone to a movie, gone to a comic book convention.
I have not gone to Las Vegas and it may be a long time before I do.
Oh, wait. I misspelled a word in that previous paragraph. I should have written "lonnnnnnnngggggg." And this not so much because of disease but because I now have no reason to go there and plenty of reasons not to.
I used to go to Las Vegas a lot. There were a few months in the nineties when I was there as much as I was in my home in Los Angeles. Here are some of the reasons why I went there and why those reasons no longer apply…
- I got hooked on Blackjack and more specifically on counting cards in Blackjack. It was not so much a money thing with me. I never tried to win that much. I just wanted to see how many times I could leave a Blackjack table with more money than I had when I sat down…and once I'd done that enough times, I decided to quit while I was ahead. Why does this reason no longer apply? Because I quit, because I have no reason to start again (it was hard work) and because I'd have to learn how to do it all over again. I've forgotten all the little formulas and a lot of rules have changed, like so many casinos now pay 6-to-5 on a natural, whereas they used to pay 3-to-2. (A "natural" is when the dealer deals you an ace plus a ten-value card.)
- I love "old show business" and in Vegas, I could go see and often meet comedians and variety acts who'd been at it for years. I got to hang out with Dave Barry and Pete Barbutti and Irv Benson and so many other comics I knew from television. There were also longtime hotel employees around with great stories about Vegas in the fifties and sixties. Why does this reason no longer apply? Such people are all either dead or retired.
- I liked going to buffets, not so much for the volume as the variety. When you have as many food allergies as I do, you tend not to be adventurous in your ordering. But at a buffet, I can see the food before I put it in my mouth and often get a sense of how risky it might be…and I can have one bite of it on my plate instead of a whole order. Why does this reason no longer apply? Because since I had gastric bypass surgery in 2006, it is physically impossible for me to consume enough food at any buffet to feel I got my money's worth. That's especially true because of what buffets in Vegas now cost but I'll get to that topic in a moment.
- For part of my Vegas visiting, I was dating a showgirl in a show at one of the casinos. Apart from liking her a lot, I liked hanging out backstage at the show, talking with all the performers and the stage crew and everyone. Why does this reason no longer apply? Because that show is no longer in Vegas and neither is she. In fact, they imploded the entire hotel and built a new one on that land, and the lady I was seeing is now in another state, happily married with several children.
- I was occasionally there on business, writing for some comedian who was playing there or meeting with someone about a TV project…or something. At least three times, I was there to help a producer "pitch" a proposal for a Vegas show which they would produce and I would write. Why does this reason no longer apply? The "pitched" shows were never bought and I haven't had any business there lately.
- After my father died, I took my mother to Vegas three times because she loved going there but needed someone to get her onto the plane, off the plane, through the airports, into her room, etc. Why does this reason no longer apply? Eventually, her health would not allow her even that luxury and even more eventually, she passed away.
And also, for much of the time I was commuting to Las Vegas, I had a lot of "comped" free rooms, some because of all that Blackjack I was playing. I don't get those anymore.
But maybe the biggest reason I'm not going to Vegas is this: It's become incredibly — almost insultingly — expensive.
I'm on a few message boards where people in the "business" end of Las Vegas discuss the business. During The Pandemic when the casinos were as dead as one of those corpses they keep finding in Lake Mead as the water level drops, this was the consensus: "When COVID ends, we're going to have to spread around a lot of comps and discounts to lure vacationers back to Vegas." That turned out to be a very bad prediction. When the hotels reopened, mobs stampeded back to fill them.
No incentives were necessary. Suddenly, everything was selling out and when they raised prices — which is what you do when you're selling out — people were still stampeding. The most popular buffet in town at the moment seems to be the Wednesday night Lobster Buffet at the Palms. Last time I looked, admission to it was $64.99 per person and waits of more than four hours have been reported. Every week or two, they raise the price some more and they still have four-hour waits to get in.
It's like that all over Vegas. The most expensive buffet is the Bacchanal Buffet at Caesars. That's $69.99 and there are several others in that price range. Shows are the same way. Here are the top and lowest prices of some of them…
A seat to Penn & Teller runs $106.47 to $239.48. Rod Stewart at Caesars Palace is $75.00 to $323.10. Shania Twain's new show will run you $99.21 to $1,259.79. The Michael Jackson-themed Cirque du Soleil® show at Mandalay Bay has seats from a low of $131.13 to a high of $283.73. Barry Manilow at the Westgate gets $94.42 up to a top of $422.98. And you don't want to know what it will cost to take in Adele's upcoming Vegas residency. Just sign your house over to her and that might (might!) get you into the rear balcony.
Some of those top prices include a meet-'n'-greet and/or souvenirs but the point is that good seats are not cheap these days. They're also not empty. It's like that all over the city and lately, all sorts of hidden fees are being added to hotel bills and restaurant checks. And yes, yes, I understand why they're doing it and frankly, if you and I had a business and we could double our prices without losing a single customer, we'd probably do the same thing. (Well, I might. You're much nicer than I am.)
But you get the point: I don't know how to go there without feeling like I'm Tourist-Trapped and being played for a sucker. I'm not going to say it's the principle, not the money, because frankly it's both. No matter how much wealth you have, there are moments when you just feel you're being treated like a pigeon and not an especially smart one at that. That city used to be so much fun.
Add in the fact that every time I see video or photos of present-day crowds downtown or on The Strip, I think, "Gee, if I was eager to catch COVID, that looks like a dandy place to catch it," and…well, it may be a long time before you see me there.
Downtown, a few blocks from The Fremont Street Experience, there's an alley into which I once blundered. It was full of homeless people, many of them practically sleeping on top of each other. Vegas has a large homeless population and it makes sense: It's warm most of the year, much of it's open 24/7, a lot of food gets thrown away or donated to missions, and big winners have been known to be generous with street folks who ask for spare change or Bitcoins.
But the folks in that alley were such a contrast to the opulence and riches you see elsewhere in that city. I sometimes think of them all sleeping in that alley and I just know that whoever owns that alley is now charging them a $39.95-per-night resort fee. Plus tax.