My phone number must have gotten on a new list that's sold to scammers because the number of such calls has increased a lot the last week…
- Three robocalls that claim to be from Social Security telling me my number's been suspended…
- One call telling me that the MAC computer I don't own is hopelessly infected with viruses that are spreading my credit card info around the globe…
- A call from an agency that says there's a lien on my home and I'll be evicted within 48 hours but of course, they can help me…
- An agency that wants some data from me so they can ship me the new, life-saving back brace that they say my doctor ordered for me (although they don't know his name) and I say he didn't…
…and then there's this call that came in about an hour ago, A youngish-sounding lady who said she was named Linda (so I assume she is not named Linda) ascertained that I was Mark and then — well, here. I'll let you listen in…
NOT LINDA: This is Linda with the Health and Wellness Center calling to do this year's evaluation…
ME: What in the name of Dr. Oz is the Health and Wellness Center?
NOT LINDA: We're an agency that works with your physician to evaluate your health and wellness and to connect you with supplies you need. According to my records here, I spoke to you last year on April 26.
ME: According to my memory here, you didn't speak to me last year — or ever, unless you were the lady who tried to get me to extend the expired warranty on a car I never owned.
NOT LINDA: Oh no, we definitely spoke last year. I have the complete record of our evaluation in front of me.
ME: Really? What was wrong with me then?
NOT LINDA: This is confidential material. We do not disclose the medical information that we collect.
ME: You're keeping that information secret from the person who told it to you?
NOT LINDA: I don't make the policies here, sir. Now, if you'll just answer a few questions…
ME: You said you work with my physician. I changed physicians last year. Which one are you working with?
NOT LINDA: Again, we don't give out that information.
ME: You can't tell me who my doctor is? Let's try it this way. Is it Doctor Geisel?
NOT LINDA: Yes, yes, Doctor Geisel. I have his name along with all your other doctors right here.
ME: You know, Linda, I know we have a long relationship dating all the way back to last year when you didn't call me but I'm beginning to think you're lying to me.
NOT LINDA: Sir, I assure you I am not.
ME: But that's okay because I just lied to you. I didn't change physicians last year and my doctor's name is not Doctor Geisel. But tell me…do you enjoy doing this all day? I mean, calling up strangers and lying to them?
NOT LINDA: Listen, I'm just trying to make a living.
ME: That's what I said when I held up that liquor store and shot the manager. And yes, I'm lying to you again. It was a 24 hour Subway sandwich place.
And that was where she hung up on me. I can't stop these calls from coming in and I'd vote for Donald Trump if he could. But at least I can have a little fun with them. And generate some content for this blog.