It's been four years ago today since my wonderful friend/love/companion Carolyn Kelly lost her battle with Cancer…and battle, she did. The last few years of it, she fought and she fought and she fought…and the outcome just became more and more inevitable.
At the oddest times, with no visible triggering mechanism, I find myself thinking about how horrible it was for her. There's always that maddening frustration of looking at a situation, knowing it shouldn't have been like that…but not being able to think of any other way things could have turned out for the better or been much less painful.
I miss her…and not just on this one day a year. I miss her often and in the better moments, I miss the Carolyn of happier times…the one who had so many reasons to live instead of that one ugly one to not. Often, something occurs and my thoughts take the form of "Oh, I wish she was here to share this experience with me." I think of her laughing, smiling and just being a wonderful presence. She was very good at those things and at so many others.
Most of me has moved on, as she wanted me to do. For years, I have told others who've lost loved ones that it's not disrespectful to the memory of the deceased to get on with your life, to meet new people, to stop grieving. Every so often, I have to tell myself…and not just on April 9th.