For at least thirty years now, I've been getting ads in the mail from a place called The Danbury Mint, trying to sell me limited edition medallions, limited edition books, limited edition prints, limited edition coins and other limited edition goodies. They're on a never-ending quest for my limited edition dollars.
I would guess I've received 400+ offers from them and so far, I have ordered a grand total of zero. You'd think a company would give up after three decades of no response…maybe even wonder if there even is anyone at this address. But still the ads keep coming. The latest one probably annoys me more than it should. Here's the outside page of it…
It's for "the perfect gift" — a "personal diamond pendant" which will come inscribed with a pretty bad love poem from me to Dorothea. I don't know where they got my name and address in the first place but they also seem to have learned via some feat of data-mining, that I have some personal connection to someone named Dorothea…and that's true. Dorothea was the first name of my mother who died in 2012.
Inside the mailer, it says "Nothing sets a woman's heart aglow like the brilliance of real diamonds, especially when they are set in gleaming gold ion-plate against luxurious mother-of-pearl and arrayed in a stunning triple-heart design." Yes, I would imagine that wherever Mom is now, there's nothing she'd like better than that.
"As a crowning touch," it continues, "your names and the perfect sentiment are inscribed on the back! This heartwarming pendant will leave your sweetheart speechless." Hey, if you think she'd be speechless, imagine how I'd be if she showed up to accept "a gift she'll cherish forever." I suppose the only way I could present it to her is to rent a boat, sail out to where her ashes were scattered and lob it into the Pacific Ocean. The ghost of my dear mother might well then materialize to thank me for it but to tell me I wrote much better poetry when I was in fifth grade.
But hey, those must be some diamonds for $99 plus $7.50 shipping and service…or I can make three monthly payments for "the perfect gift" of just $35.50.
I just went to their website and filled out a little online form to be removed from all their mailings. During the process, a pop-up window tried to sell me a personalized diamond bracelet that is apparently also "the perfect gift." Yeah, just like how Donald Trump made "the perfect phone call."