This post originally ran here on October 8, 2012. And no, I'm still not going to tell you who the Big Time TV Star is…
Back when my mother worked at that high-priced gourmet grocery store in Beverly Hills, they charged twice as much for their meat as Ralphs Market…but the meat, she said, was not twice as good. Where it really got pricey though is if you wanted the market to cook it for you. They had stoves on the premises and if you wanted, say, a roast turkey, you could buy it raw there for a high price or buy it cooked for about thrice as much. Not a lot of folks did…but there was a Big Time TV Star (the lead actor on a popular primetime series) who apparently loved the food there. Almost every day, someone from his staff would order a cooked turkey or a cooked prime rib or a cooked something plus a number of Stouffers frozen side dishes.
Folks who worked in the store were amazed at the frequency and extravagance of these orders. "That guy must be making a fortune on that show of his," they'd say. His monthly bills were in the many thousands of dollars. Everyone who worked at the market knew about this because the butcher would tell them, "I'm doing a pork roast for the Big Time TV Star." (They referred to him by name, of course. I am withholding it here.)
One day, the Big Time TV Star came into the store himself. He had ordered a fancy gift basket that would be presented to a friend and he wanted to add an item to it. It was a very valuable antique teddy bear that apparently would mean a lot to the recipient. The Big Time TV Star brought the bear in himself and since he was the store's best customer, his order would be wrapped by the best gift-wrapper in the store and probably the city, my mother. He took it back to her little work area, explained to her what he wanted and asked if she could do it while he waited so he could take it with him. She said "Certainly" and offered him a seat.
As she arranged the teddy bear amidst rare cheeses, crackers and small bottles of spirits, the Big Time TV Star chatted amiably with her. He remarked how well the store treated him. She replied with something about how that was logical, given how much he spent there. He allowed as how, yes, he did spend an awful lot. "Some months, I can't believe how high my bill from here is," he said.
My mother turned to him and said, "This is none of my business I suppose…but wouldn't it be cheaper for you to hire a chef?"
"I have a chef," the Big Time TV Star replied. "A very fine one. He trained at Le Cordon Bleu and he's won many cooking awards."
My mother was a bit worried she'd get fired for what she was about to say…but she looked about and none of the management team was around. She told the B.T.T.S., "We're cooking all your food here. Your chef or someone at your home calls up and orders it that way." She later told me the gent looked skeptical, then thoughtful, then worried. "Excuse me," he said and went to find the manager.
In the manager's office, he went over his recent bills and got all the abbreviations translated. Sure enough, it looked like the graduate of Le Cordon Bleu had not cooked a dinner in years, if ever. Not unless you counted the Stouffers side dishes he heated up to serve along with the store-prepared entrees. It turned out the chef's culinary skills did not extend much beyond the frozen foods. The police determined he'd never been anywhere near Le Cordon Bleu after they arrested him for fraud, theft and Impersonating a Gourmet Cook.
A few weeks later, the Big Time TV Star came into the store again and slipped my mother a big tip. He and she didn't want the management to know about it because…well, they weren't all that happy that the Big Time TV Star's purchasing had suddenly dropped from thousands a month to a few hundred. That happened after he hired a chef who actually cooked the meals.
That's really all there is to this story but you probably want to the know who the Big Time TV Star was. Well, I'm not going to tell you but I will let you in on the irony. You know that popular prime-time network TV show he starred in? Well, on it he played a detective.
Some detective. Didn't even realize his cook couldn't cook.