My lovely friend Amber is crazy about the chicken fried rice they make at Benihana Steakhouses. If you have a joke about how that corresponds to her taste in men, keep it to yourself.
We go to those places often but probably not often enough to suit her. By that, I mean we may not be at one whenever you're reading this. Alas and alack, the one nearest to my home closed and now the closest one is 10.2 miles away in Santa Monica and the next-closest, which for the love of God is in Encino, is 13.8. Both are reachable at most hours by highways and by-ways that can make it feel like double or even triple the actual distance.
For a delusional hour or so, I toyed with the notion of learning to replicate Benihana Chicken Fried Rice in my own kitchen. There are dozens of recipes online that essentially say, "Do as we tell you and you won't be able to tell the difference." I do not believe anything that ever comes out of my kitchen will ever hit that standard. I don't think I could replicate putting peanut butter on Ritz crackers to match the way the professionals do it.
Then I looked at all the ingredients necessary to make Benihana Chicken Fried Rice on these premises. I also noted how much time it would take to buy them all then chop what has to be chopped, sauté what has to be sautéed, etc. I decided it might be easier and faster — to say nothing of safer — to make a round trip to Santa Monica, even if I go on one of those little Bird scooters, than to do it at home.
It might even be cheaper, plus I know what I get out there will at least taste like Benihana Chicken Fried Rice. Given my dubious culinary skills, I could follow the directions down to the last abbreviation and wind up with candy corn or banana pudding or even (shudder!) cole slaw. I sure don't wanna make no cole slaw by accident.
So my eyebrows recently shot up — clear over my head, just like Dennis the Menace's — when I heard that Benihana now has a line of frozen foods. It includes Yakisoba Chicken, Yakisoba Beef and — wait for it! — Benihana Hibachi Chicken Rice!!! I don't care about anything with Yakisoba in its name but I did think, "Wow…maybe I could make something that even vaguely resembles Benihana Fried Rice at home! And in the microwave, no less." And yes, I did notice the absence of the word "fried" anywhere on the product. And yes, I did know that "fried" is the key element in what they make at Benihana. And yes, I did know that there was a real good chance that it was going to suck…
…but I had to try it anyway.
Trying it was harder than I expected because buying it was harder than I expected. I found out that the Benihana frozen chow line is being sold in Los Angeles at Ralphs markets and at Von's — but not every outlet of each. Over a period of approximately three weeks, I went to ten different outlets of those two chains. Four didn't carry the Benihana line at all. Of the ones that did, in every single instance — and I am not exaggerating — the display cases had plenty of the Benihana Yakisoba Chicken, plenty of the Benihana Yakisoba Beef and zero boxes of the Benihana Hibachi Chicken Rice. Empty spaces on every shelf in every freezer compartment!
Immediate Deduction: That's a powerful bit of branding power there…but only for the rice. Like me, no one cared about anything with "Yakisoba" in its name but many were mesmerized by the chance to have something close to Benihana's fried rice in their home freezers. I asked one Ralphs employee and she said, "No, we're out. They just flew off the shelves!"
Finally, I found one in a Von's…by accident. The shelf where they were supposed to be had been cleaned-out…but there, misfiled about fifteen feet away, there was one lonely package of it nestled among the Steak-Umms. Bought it, took it home and I decided to pre-test it before I told Amber about it so as not to get her hopes up. It turned out this was a very good idea. I thought it was awful.
A two-biter, it was. Took it out of the microwave, let it sit for a bit so the flavors could infuse (a term I learned watching Alton Brown) and it could cool to just below "scalding." Took a bite. Couldn't believe how bad it was. Took another bite to verify…and into the sink it all went. Even my garbage disposal sounded disappointed.
But I read some online reviews and a couple of folks seemed pleased. They said it wasn't anywhere near as splendid as what your chef whips up before your beady little eyes just before he sculpts it into a heart on the grill and then makes the volcano. But they said it was an acceptable substitute..and I suppose it is if your only other choice of a side dish is gravel.
Don't not try it because of me. I dislike many foods that you love. Amber's asked me to find another package of it so she can try it herself…and she might like it. I mean, she likes me so she's pretty unpredictable with her liking. I just wanted to tell you it's out, it's hard to find (at least around here) and you shouldn't expect The Real Thing. That's usually good advice, not just for frozen foods but for most things in this world. Especially if you vote.