Here's another of my silly theories about politics. Give this as much or as little respect as you think it deserves…
Every so often, an elected official does something that we as spectators can't understand. Like, let's say a Congressman comes out one day and announces he has information that a band of radical scientists has bred a mutated species of gopher that is capable of pressing the levers of a voting machine and they've already got thousands of them secretly registered to vote. He wants to hold Congressional hearings into the scandal he is now calling Gophergate.
This demand goes nowhere but for a time, analysts try to explain it. Some poll somewhere says that a certain voting bloc has a deep, tribal distrust of gophers so he's probably trying to appeal to them. Or maybe a rogue official within the C.I.A. has leaked information to the Congressman. Or maybe the Congressfella is confusing a now-defunct attempt to train gerbils to help register voters. They come up with all sorts of explanations for why he said such a wacky thing but they overlook the most obvious explanation. It involves a conversation over dinner in the past week…
CONGRESSMAN: So, my staff and I were hoping you could help us on our crusade with a small donation…or at least what would be a small donation to someone in your position. Maybe two million…
SCREWY RICH PERSON: Well, I'd like to help you because I like a lot of the things you're saying…especially that stuff about how it'll be better for the economy if screwy rich people like me don't pay taxes. But I haven't heard you address the single most important matter facing this country today…
CONGRESSMAN: Uh, which single most important matter facing this country today would that be?
SCREWY RICH PERSON: Gophers voting, of course.
CONGRESSMAN: "Gophers voting?"
SCREWY RICH PERSON: Of course. Don't tell me you haven't heard all about it! I thought you were the kind of representative who was on top of all these threats to our American way of life!
CONGRESSMAN: Oh, yes, yes. (lowering voice) It's just that some things are supposed to be, you know, top secret. I'm impressed that you heard about it. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, what with you being so perceptive and connected to everything that's going on in this country. Now, about that donation…
SCREWY RICH PERSON: I'm not donating a dollar to anyone unless I see they're doing something to stop those damn gophers. They're not only going to destroy democracy but my front lawn is full of holes.
CONGRESSMAN: Well, I guess it's safe to tell you that I've planned a major address about the problem next week. It's time to alert the public to this insidious menace.
SCREWY RICH PERSON: You're damned right it is. Way past time. I know for a fact that's how my dear friend Roy Moore lost that election down in Alabama. They say his opponent got 673,896 votes. Ridiculous! I know for a fact that more than 588,000 of those were cast illegally by gophers.
CONGRESSMAN: My sources tell me more than that…and it wasn't just gophers. Raccoons, too. I'm going to hold off dropping that particular part of the bombshell until I have more solid proof but I will be going public with what I like to call "Gophergate" next week.
SCREWY RICH PERSON: Good. I'll be watching for it.
CONGRESSMAN: I'll call you right after the speech because I'll want to get your reaction…oh, and maybe we can talk more about that donation. Before I go though, I'm curious. What else have you heard about the gophers?
I often think it must be something like that. We underestimate what even the politicians we like will do to extract support from one wealthy person. This is assuming the other possible explanation isn't true; that there really are mutant gophers voting. It would explain Trump.