You've probably heard about this but it's got me wondering…
For $200 million, the Playboy Mansion, where risqué parties have raged for decades, could be yours. But you might want to think twice if you're aiming to close escrow on the famous property that went on the market Monday and move in quickly, since Playboy Magazine founder and party master Hugh Hefner has often said he will never live anywhere else.
"A condition on the sale would be that Mr. Hefner be able to continue to work and live in the residence," Playboy spokesman John Vlautin said.
So let's say I win the Powerball and buy the Playboy Mansion. Those two things are about equally likely, especially since I don't buy lottery tickets. Is it that I don't get possession of the estate until Hef dies? Or I get to move in but I have to tolerate him as my roommate for the rest of his life? Hef shuffles around my home wearing pajamas, a captain's cap and an expression that indicates he has no idea where he is. (He probably doesn't, after all. They could move him into an assisted living facility and get him a young blonde nurse with huge breasts and he probably wouldn't know the difference.)
If I don't get the deed until all of him's as stiff as his hosting of Playboy After Dark, why doesn't it say that in all the news releases? Why doesn't it just say that this is a big Reverse Mortgage deal and that the new owner is buying the place now and that Hef has possession until he goes to that big movie night in the sky?
On the other hand, if it's just that Hef gets to keep his room…well, that's not what he wants. He wants his servants and his parties and his offices and his 24-hour kitchen that cooks for him and bedrooms for his visitors and nubile caregivers. Wouldn't I have to let all that stay? And who pays those people? Just what am I buying here?
Some of the articles say that it'll have to be worked out with the new owner whether Hef pays rent or stays there for nothing. Aren't there other possibilities? Couldn't I, say, demand that he earn his keep by helping out around the place? He could clean the pool or mow a few of those lawns or feed the llama. (Come to think of it: Do I get ownership of the llama? The flamingos? James Caan?)
Suppose I buy the place, Hef stays and then Bill Cosby needs a place to live? Lawyers are expensive.
Some of the news pieces say that at $200 million, it's way overpriced, especially since the building has gotten very shabby and will probably be a tear-down. I wonder about both those things. Yeah, the spread isn't worth that in a real estate sense…but there's gotta be a couple of ultra-super-rich men out there in the 60-70 age bracket who've fantasized all their lives about being the master of the Playboy Mansion. It wouldn't surprise me if the Playboy Corporation is putting it on the market now because they know of a few who might just pay the asking price this minute rather than get into a bidding war after Hef's ashes are scattered in the grotto.
In the early seventies, I briefly worked for a magazine publisher named Arthur who was obsessed with Hefner. Arthur never got the funds together but he wanted desperately to launch a Playboy imitation that would displace the original…and he was less eager to make the zillions than he was to simply outdo Hef and be hailed as the new male whose lifestyle most young men wanted to emulate. He had fantasies of Hef going bankrupt and becoming homeless, forced to sleep on a round bed at the Y.M.C.A.
If Arthur had a billion bucks today, he'd buy the place and pay full price plus escrow fees. And he wouldn't tear it down because the whole point of it was that he wanted to own and live in the Playboy Mansion, not some other estate built on the same land.
Given the way he ran his publishing firm back in 1972, I doubt Arthur has a billion smackers or a company these days. But if he did, I'd like to think of him purchasing the mansion and maybe he's mellowed to the point where he'd let Hef stay. He might even see the convenience of having him on the premises…say, if Arthur wants an intro to Jim Brown or needs to borrow a cup of Cialis. I'll bet we could make that work.