Matt Goulding sings the praises of airline food. I guess I wasn't aware there still was airline food…but of course, since there are 22-hour flights to foreign places, there must be. I never fly that far and I'm often on Southwest where "airline food" is a choice of peanuts or pretzels.
When there was airline food on coast-to-coast flights, I was rarely served anything edible. Between my food allergies and my dislike of about two-thirds of the foods I can eat, I usually wound up munching on the dinner roll and maybe the dessert. One time, I was on a flight — I think it was TWA the time they sent me to New York and my luggage to London — where the entrees never made it on board. There was some sort of delay in the hot lunches arriving and the decision was made to leave without them. The crew made apologies but all they had for us to eat on the flight were the frozen Snickers bars that were served as dessert along with the meals. It was fine dining as far as I was concerned.
The first time I ever flew First Class — which of course meant I was not paying — they served a dinner that was allegedly prepared by some four-star, award-winning chef especially for American Airlines. We got a menu first telling us what we'd be eating and I could see there was not one thing on the plate that my stomach would accept.
The menu also listed the cuisine being served in Coach. I think they did this so they could pass the same menu out in both cabins and make the Coach people think, "Gee, I should have spent the $700 more to get a better supper." Anyway, Coach was getting Penne Marinara, which sounded a lot more like Mark Food to me. I called a First Class Flight Attendant over and asked if I could have that instead. She acted like I was asking if I could get out at 30,000 feet and walk the rest of the way. No one, at least on her flights, had ever asked such a thing before.
There were sudden huddled conversations by the Flight Crew and they may have radioed to ask someone on the ground if it was permitted or if there was some F.A.A. regulation that said I had to eat the Red Mullet Almondine with hollandaise. She finally reported back that they had only enough servings of Penne Marinara aboard to feed those in the cheaper seats. I asked if anyone back there would like to swap with me and, again, I created a mid-air crisis and much discussion. I can be so much trouble at times asking what to me are simple, obvious questions.
The verdict? American Airlines didn't want me swapping meals with someone in Coach because then someone else in Coach would be angry that they didn't get what the person across the aisle got. The solution? The crew on the flight, including the pilots, got the Coach meal to eat. She offered to swap with me. I said fine, done, easy answer.
But then it got more complicated. The senior flight attendant (who outranked her) came over and wondered if protocol demanded that the trade be offered instead to the pilot. But then how would the co-pilot feel if he had to eat pasta while the other guy in the cabin got Red Mullet? And what about the navigator? I had the whole cabin crew debating this in the aisle next to me and I'd occasionally poke my head into the discussion to say, "You know, it might be simpler for everyone if I just didn't eat." By then though, no one was listening to me. So finally it was decided that the Flight Attendant I'd first asked about this could have my Red Mullet and I could have her Penne Marinara, which I ate and which was okay. At least, it was okay for airline food.
After we'd landed and were filing off the plane, I thanked the Flight Attendant and apologized for causing so much trouble. She said that was all right. I asked her how my dinner was. She said, "Not good. I'd rather have had the Penne." I kinda figured that would be the punch line and was somehow comforted when it really was.