Dick Cavett has filed two columns in which he tells of the one time in his life he decided to get rip-roaringly drunk. Here's Part One and here's Part Two.
Some folks I've met don't believe this but I've never had a drink in my life, not even a full sip of beer or wine. Once at a party, I was handed what was supposed to be a lemonade and I wound up doing a spit-take of the first and only mouthful. Turned out, it was gin plus something. That and a couple of Nyquils many years ago are as close as I've ever gotten to consuming an alcoholic beverage. I think in an odd way, it's connected to the fact that I suffer from an awful lot of food allergies. As a kid, I developed a dire fear of eating or drinking anything I'd never had before or which seemed even slightly questionable. I have friends who love trying new foods, even to the extent of popping things into their mouths without knowing what they're eating. That to me is Russian Roulette with several bullets in the chamber.
The fear is most often felt as a little "uh-oh" sense not unlike Spider-Man's "something's wrong" tingle. I'm offered something to eat and a little voice inside me goes, "Uh-oh." A few times in my life when I haven't listened to it, I've paid dearly…so I listen to it. It warns me (usually) when some hors d'oeuvre might secretly contain almonds and it also tells me to decline spirits. So do stories like Cavett's where folks lament — or sometimes even boast about — the hell they endured due to too much imbibing. So do a number of situations I've witnessed where people I knew quite literally destroyed their lives and/or careers by excessive or ill-timed drinking.
Once in the eighties, I was invited to and attended a meeting of a Hollywood-oriented chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous. I don't think any of the performers there would object if I mentioned their names here but I won't anyway. They were all folks who'd had some success — starred in a TV series or done some big movies or had some hit records, etc. — but that was sadly behind them now. All had gotten into that most vicious of circles: Their careers (and sometimes, personal relationships) were getting worse so they drank. And since they drank, their careers (and sometimes, personal relationships) had gotten worse. Everyone at that meeting then had the problem more or less under control, which was not say it was cured, nor would it ever be.
As I sat there listening to a lot of sad but sometimes funny tales, I thought to myself: I have plenty of problems but one I'll never have to deal with is addiction to drink — or for the same reason, tobacco or any narcotic stronger than blogging. I've long since filed all those activities in the category of "I don't care if other folks do it as long as they don't impact my life because of it…but I ain't gonna do it." It's like skydiving. You want to do it? Fine. Just don't expect me to join you and don't land on me.
One other thing about Not Drinking. In the seventies and eighties — though not so much since — I sometimes found myself at parties where everyone was getting high except, of course, moi. I worked for a time on one TV show where some tapings (I'm not sure why some and not others) were followed by office parties with free-flowing liquor and a sampling of medicinal substances not found at a Walgreens. Usually sooner than later, it always reached a point where I didn't want to be around my friends and co-workers in that condition and I got the hell outta there.
But before it got that bad, I heard some interesting stories…things that might not have been uttered had it not been for drink. And there I am, perfectly sober and armed with a terrific memory. There was one producer who was very lucky that I never wanted to get into the business of blackmail. Based on what I heard, I could have had his house. There was one cute receptionist who had caught my eye in the sense of, "Hmm, I might want to ask her out." That was before I heard her, seriously under the influence, ramble on about certain matters that caused me to revise that to, "Hmm, I think I want to stay the hell away from that woman."
One time, the producers' Head of Business Affairs got seriously plastered and began rabbitting on about the great deals he'd just closed to sell our show into foreign syndication. He even quoted specific dollar figures…and there was I, standing there with my little Canada Dry Ginger Ale and a clear head, taking it all in. The next day, I passed those mental notes on to my agent and when it came time to negotiate a renewal of my contract…well, let's jusy say the data came in handy. My agent was negotiating with that same Head of Business Affairs…who didn't recall telling anyone about the foreign sales and couldn't figure out how we knew about them. Still, he had to admit it was true and to adjust his offer to me upwards.
I have absolutely no condemnation of anyone who drinks. Like I said, do it if you like. Just don't land on me or anyone I care about. I just thought it was worth pointing out that there can be advantages to not drinking. You never have a desperate need to quit, you never have a hangover…and you'd be amazed what you can learn sometimes.