According to CourtTV's VerdictClock, the jurors in the Phil Spector trial have been out for almost four days now. As some of you may know, I've made a decision that if that man is acquitted, I'm going on a killing spree. You've got a guy here who's a known looney, who's repeatedly threatened people — especially women who wanted to leave his house — with guns. A woman who was apparently trying to leave his house was shot and Spector staggered outside with the smoking pistol and said, "I think I killed someone." Add to that the fact that the best his side can come up with as a defense is that the lady was (they say) unhappy with her life so she took the opportunity of a visit to Spector's house to kill herself there. And oh, yeah — the chauffeur who heard Spector say that may have misheard because there was the sound of a water fountain nearby.
There's actually more evidence of Spector's guilt than that but that's plenty. So I figure if he doesn't get convicted, no one who's in show business will ever be convicted and I might as well go on a little killing spree…nothing major. I may just off the kid at the Whole Foods Market who doesn't understand what "no mayonnaisse on the sandwich" means, the guy who keeps repainting the house number on my curb without being asked and demanding money, and maybe the network guy who told me the show with the two Japanese ladies couldn't miss. As you can see, I'm not big on Enemies Lists.
But here's the problem. If there's no verdict today, there might be one tomorrow…which would mean the ideal time to start my killing spree would be Saturday. Trouble is, I have plans for the weekend. I can't spare the time to murder three people. I could maybe squeeze in one but what kind of killing spree is that? Wouldn't even make the tabloids. And then Monday and Tuesday, I have meetings all day so that won't work.
This is very annoying. Just what do these people have to discuss in that jury room? Spector's ongoing campaign to top each stupid hairstyle or wig with a stupider one? If they're going to give us a totally illogical, stupid verdict, the first O.J. jury came in with one of those in three hours. If they're going to arrive at an intelligent verdict, they could have done that in half the time. In the words of the eminent philosopher, Larry the Cable Guy, git-r-done! For God's sake.