Well, I'm glad to see that Campaign Finance Reform has done such a fine job of protecting us from "attack ads." I haven't seen any negative commercials…have you? Making candidates say "I approved this message" has also been very successful in preventing them from not taking responsibility for the irresponsible bashing of their opponents.
We all knew this election was going to get dirty but somehow, I didn't think it would be this nasty until a week or two before Halloween. Here's what I see as the new timetable…
WEEK OF AUGUST 23: MoveOn.org runs commercials showing Bush not only reading My Pet Goat to school children on 9/11 but dressing up in actual goat costume to do so.
WEEK OF AUGUST 30: Governor James McGreevy holds shocking press conference to announce support for John Kerry because he has "hair to die from" and there are rumors he may be French. McGreevy also reaffirms that he is gay and that he will resign his office as soon as he finishes redecorating it.
WEEK OF SEPTEMBER 6: Democrats reveal that for the last month, Dick Cheney's "undisclosed location" has been the only movie theater in the country still showing the film, Catwoman. Cheney admits to more than 435 viewings of what he calls "an unfairly-maligned classic of the cinema" but denies reports that, confused and infatuated, he awarded a seven billion dollar "no bid" contract to Halle Berry.
WEEK OF SEPTEMBER 13: In reponse to relentless questioning from Helen Thomas, White House press secretary Scott McClellan says Bush will not comment on 527 ads that insist Kerry sang back-up vocals on 1974 pop hit, "Billy, Don't Be a Hero." McClellan adds gratuitous insult about Thomas's bra size.
WEEK OF SEPTEMBER 20: Kerry sticks tongue out at Bush, inserts thumbs in ears, waves fingers and goes, "Pookie-pookie-pookie!" Bush, during campaign swing through Ken Lay's living room, responds with old "I'm rubber, you're glue" line. Ralph Nader pulls ahead in most polls and celebrates by buying a second suit.
WEEK OF SEPTEMBER 27: In unexpected development, Gallup organization locates "likely voter" in Illinois who supports Alan Keyes. Poll is described as having a "margin-of-error of plus or minus one looney."
WEEK OF OCTOBER 4: Kerry campaign releases documents that prove that Bush spent missing months of his National Guard commitment appearing on TV sitcom Bewitched as the little-remembered third Darrin.
WEEK OF OCTOBER 11: The Swift Boat Veterans for Truth all suddenly remember Kerry bragging in 1969 about someday nailing a ketchup heiress and "scoring them big burger-basting bucks." The group's leader, John O'Neill, begins to show signs of fatigue when he goes on The O'Reilly Factor and accidentally spends forty minutes attacking the character of Jim Carrey.
WEEK OF OCTOBER 18: New York Times breaks exclusive story that contrary to public perception, there is still a war going on in Iraq. Article appears on page D-23, between a report on the economy and an article on nuclear proliferation in Korea.
WEEK OF OCTOBER 25: Bush accuses Kerry of cross-dressing, robbing a liquor store and running a crack house out of at least one of his eleven mansions. Kerry accuses Bush of molesting small animals, being on the grassy knoll during the Kennedy assassination, and quietly selling three of the blue states to Red China. In an even more scathing exchange, John Edwards accuses Dick Cheney of being Bush's running mate while Cheney accuses Edwards of being on the Democratic ticket. All four deny all charges while John McCain, speaking at Bush rally, repudiates everything Bush has said, then hugs and endorses him.
WEEK OF NOVEMBER 1: America's voters, disgusted by months of negative campaigning and lies, decide en masse that they don't want any of these guys. No one goes to the polls or mails in an absentee ballot but Bush somehow manages to get several million votes in Florida and any state serviced by Diebold voting machines. United States Supreme Court is on vacation but they have left behind instructions that, by a 5-4 margin, any election challenges are to be decided in favor of the Republican. Population of Iraq decides that if this is democracy, they'd rather have Saddam back. Instead, since he isn't available, they elect Alan Keyes who moves there just in time to qualify as a resident. U.S. Democrats declare they're angry and vow to fight harder next time. Or maybe the time after.