Cooking Videos

I watch cooking videos on YouTube for the same reason a lot of people like to watch videos of daring stunts, incredible athletic feats or porn: To see others do things they themselves will never do. I used to be a passable cook but over the years, I have turned into a very poor one because, I suspect, I don't have the patience to do things right. Seems to me that you can't be a great or even a good chef if you don't enjoy the chopping, the measuring, the stirring, the braising, the frying, etc. I simply don't.

Cooking videos, at least, let me see how it's done in fifteen minutes or less because I don't watch the longer ones. I also get to see what goes into certain dishes that I might someday confront on a restaurant menu. As is oft-mentioned on this blog, I have many food allergies and it's crucial that I know what's in something before I decide whether or not to consume it. Cooking videos help.

But two things bug me about them. One is the ending of most where the chef has completed the cooking process and it's time for him or her to taste it and tell us how absolutely fabulous and wonderful and delicious and perfect it is. I'm also bothered by writers who tell me that about their own scripts like they're unbiased observers.

And secondly, an awful lot of cooking videos go like this: "Today, I'm going to show you how I can make a better Whopper than Burger King" or "I'm going to make better Panda Express Beijing Beef than Panda Express" or "I'm going to make a better Arby's Beef 'n Cheddar than Arby's."

First off: Why?

You're trying to replicate and improve on something that was designed to be made cheap and fast. All you have to do is spend more time and money on it. I'm sure you can make a better quarter-pounder than McDonald's just by putting in more than a quarter-pound of beef and buying higher-quality meat.

But if I want one, will yours cost me $5.49 and can I be eating it and an order of great fries in ten minutes? Can I grab one by detouring through a drive-thru on my way to somewhere else?  Can I get your burger in a Happy Meal that includes a toy?  Bettering fast food is aiming at a real low target. We who buy this stuff buy it for value and convenience more than great quality.

Oh — and because we don't feel like cooking. Lately, I don't and if I did, I don't think I'd spend the time and effort to whip up something I can get with a six-minute car ride or have DoorDash deliver. I've sometimes gotten delivery from Five Guys in fifteen minutes.

I can't make me a burger and fries that good in fifteen minutes, especially since my kitchen is not set up for it. You, maker of online cooking videos, spend hours every day in yours so when you say, "You can make this from items you probably already have in your kitchen," that's true…for you. When you tell me I need to add a tablespoon of balsamic vinegar to something, that's a trip to the market for me…

…and a whole bottle of balsamic vinegar (minus one tablespoon) that will then sit in my cupboard taking up space until months/years from now when I throw it away. YouTube Chefs keep saying they never allow "unitaskers" (implements only good for doing one thing) in their kitchens but for folks like me, a tin of corn starch is a unitasker. Fresh nutmeg is a unitasker. A non-stick muffin tin is a unitasker. I'm just never going to cook so often that it could be otherwise.

I've gained valuable knowledge watching cooking videos. I've learned what I can't do and what not to eat. They're very valuable to me…just not in the way their makers intend.