If you ever need a reminder that there are stupid people in the world, just peek in your spam folder. You'll find an awful lot of messages that were sent en masse on the premise that somewhere out there, there was someone dumb enough (or in some cases, dumb and desperate enough) to respond.
Lately, I've gotten this one about forty times, all allegedly sent by different women with different names. This one is from Lorelei…
Are you up? Let's chat!
I'm aching to do something, really naughty, with you in your bed. It's so naughty, in fact, I'm afraid to even ask it. Can I? Do you want to hear it here, or somewhere else?
Call me a cynic if you like but I get the feeling that Lorelei just might not be a woman who really wants to do something really naughty with me. In fact, the odds are good that it's not from a woman at all. Maybe a guy. Maybe an enterprising bot. If the fact that I got forty of these with different feminine names attached didn't make me suspicious, I might still have some questions, the first of which would be "Why me?"
It would be followed by "How does this alleged woman know I'm in any position to do this naughty thing with her?" Lorelei got my e-mail address (God knows where) but does she even know my bed and I are on the same continent as her? She can ache all she wants to do this really naughty thing with me but if it can't be done over the Internet, it can't be done.
And how does Lorelei know that if we did meet, we wouldn't take one look at each other and one or more of wouldn't run off, screaming in horror? And why do I suspect that what she wants is not my body but my Visa card number? And if by some chance this is from a real woman who really wants me, how could I get properly aroused with someone who has such weird comma placement?
Millions of these things are sent out every day in this world. I get at least ten a day telling me that I am due for a settlement in some amount of five to seven figures and I need to get in touch with the stranger who e-mailed me to collect. There must be some success rate that makes the sender figure it's worth their time.
Since Bill and Hillary Clinton first burst onto the national scene — well before either ran for President — one persistent correspondent has sent me a steady stream of e-mails that basically say this: We have incontrovertible proof of massive crimes committed by Bill (and/or Hillary) and we can put him (or her or both of them) in prison but we need your donation to make it happen.
I've been getting these since at least the early nineties. For the sake of discussion, let's say 1992 so that's thirty years…and no less than three a week. So that's like 4,600 messages…and the only way they've changed is that they used to be mostly about Bill and now they're almost exclusively about Hillary.
As we have all seen once again with the "Big Lie" about Trump winning the last election, if someone says they have firm proof of something outrageous and they don't produce it, they don't have it and never did. If my constant e-mailer does have evidence that will send Hillary to prison, he's done her an enormous favor by sitting on it for three decades.
But someone's got to be sending him some loot or he wouldn't have taken the time to compose 4,600 messages. Either that or he's just terribly lonely with nothing to do. I'm thinking maybe I should try and fix him up with Lorelei. They might be very happy together assuming they both exist at all.