Tales From Costco #9

Another rerun, this time from October 22, 2012. In this time of COVID, I don't have any Tales from Costco because I get home delivery from them. I visited one Costco early in the COVID era to stock up on the necessities of life (toilet paper and paper towels, of course) and one since because I had a coupon to use up that could only be used for in-person shopping. But otherwise, Costco is no longer a place I go. It's a place I order from. I feel a sense of loss because home delivery doesn't give me anecdotes like this one. Or free samples…

It's been a while since I did one of these and not because I haven't been to a Costco. I just didn't find any interesting stories there while I was purchasing my five-year-supply of dental floss and my ten-year-supply of chicken wire. (By the way, someone wrote me that next time I was in Costco, I should pick up a lifetime supply of cole slaw. I already have that. For me, a lifetime supply of cole slaw is no cole slaw. I keep mine right next to my lifetime supply of no candy corn.)

So yesterday, I was driving back from San Diego and I needed to stop for lunch and gas. I arbitrarily got off the 5 in San Clemente, which is a good place to look for such things, and I guess my instincts secretly picked the off-ramp. Without consciously choosing to do so, I wound up driving past Sonny's, which is one of my favorite Italian restaurants. If you're ever in or passing San Clemente and you want a good, cheap place for a plate of pasta, try Sonny's.

I didn't, yesterday. Just wasn't in the mood for Eye-talian so I kept going, browsing San Clemente in search of lunch and petrol. Before long, I found them in the same place: The Costco in San Clemente. Spotted it. Noticed a Pollo Loco next door. Figured I could dine at Pollo Loco, then gas up at Costco. And hey, while I was there, I could pop into Costco for that most futile of goals, "just a few items." I decided to do Costco first, then the Pollo Loco. As it turned out, I dined so well on free samples at Costco, Pollo Loco was unnecessary.

So lunch was free. Of course, I did spend $300+ on cat food, electronics stuff and cleaning supplies while I was there. But lunch was free.

One of the snacks on which I snacked was the combined sampling of two products Costco sells: King's Hawaiian Sweet Rolls and a heat-and-eat package of shredded beef cooked in Jack Daniel's barbecue sauce. A nice, friendly lady at the end of an aisle was heating the beef in a small microwave, then scooping the meat onto rolls to make mini-sliders we could try. "They make their sauce with real Jack Daniel's Whiskey," she announced. "But the cooking process burns off all the alcohol."

As I helped myself to a sample, I said, "Good…because I'm driving." But the truth is there's about as much chance of me ingesting alcohol as there is of me feasting on cole slaw and candy corn. Less, even. I've actually tried cole slaw and candy corn. As I turned to continue with my Costcoing, an older woman customer asked me, "Is that true? About the alcohol burning off? Because I shouldn't have any of that if it doesn't."

I told her I was pretty sure it was safe and pointed to an eight-year-old who was not being restricted from helping himself to a sample. This woman was probably seventy and she said, "You were being cautious because you're driving…"

"That was just me being silly," I explained. "But even if there was alcohol in there, the portion size is too small to get a mosquito tipsy."

"That's good to know," she said. "I haven't had a drink in almost thirty years. What it did to me…I couldn't ever go through that again. Maybe someone like you can handle it…"

"Well actually, ma'am, I've got you beat. I haven't had a drink in sixty years and seven months."

"Really? How old are you?"

I said, "Sixty years and seven months. I've never had a drink in my entire life."

"Really? Not even beer? Or wine?"

I said, "Not even beer or wine. About thirty-five years ago, I had a Nyquil. I gather that's kind of like Jack Daniel's for people with bad colds."

"Never had a drink," she muttered to herself. And as she was muttering, my eyes fell on her shopping cart which was full of Grand Prix cigarettes. Maybe a dozen cartons of them.

"So you didn't have to quit because you never started," she exclaimed. "I wish I'd taken after you."

I had to get back on the road but there are times you'd hate yourself if you didn't say something. I said, "What you should really do is not take after my mother. Have you got two minutes for me to tell you about her?"