Dispatches From the Fortress – Day 665

Seth Meyers has tested positive for COVID. He tweets that he feels fine but that they're canceling the rest of their shows this week, which is surely the wise thing to do.

Meanwhile, Hugh Jackman is soon to resume his Harold Hilling duties in the revival of The Music Man on Broadway. They're reportedly expecting to have a lot of understudies and swings filling roles and I had a dream the other night that I went to see this show and before it started, a producer came out and asked the audience, "Is there anyone here with a recent negative test who knows the part of Marcellus Washburn?"

(I didn't really have that dream. If I had, it would probably have ended with me on stage leading the rest of the cast in "The Shipoopi.")

I guess it's a big Good News/Bad News joke, the Good News being that the current strain — assuming that's the one you get — isn't as lethal, especially for the well-vaccinated. The Bad News is that it's a lot harder to avoid. I still believe in presuming the worst in both categories.


The other day, I got a delivery from my local market and as I do, I specified "do not substitute" for most of the items, meaning that if you're out of my brand of honey-roasted ham, don't bring me another brand of honey-roasted ham. The "shopper" who filled my order was apparently new to the task and because of how he serviced not just my order but others, he has been dismissed. What he was doing was substituting anyway…and with some bizarre logic.

He did bring me the "wrong" brand of honey-baked ham and that at least makes some sense, even though I'd told him not to do that. But the market was also out of the brand of English Muffins I order and in that case, he brought me (and charged me for) a package of Barilla brand Penne Pasta. They apparently did have brands of English Muffins other than the one I requested but he decided if I couldn't have my favorite kind, I'd be happier with a box of Barilla Penne Pasta.

Basically the same thing.

Mostly though, it was different brands or different flavors. Out of fifteen items requested, six unwanted substitutions turned up on my front porch.

I called the market and they immediately issued me full credit for the six items…which I got to keep. I gave most of them to my cleaning lady but I tried the wrong brand of honey-roasted ham and decided it was better than the one I'd been ordering. I wonder if, with a substantial chunk of the grocery business veering into home delivery, anyone has thought to bring every customer a little bag of free samples clearly identified as such. The folks at Costco in the hairnets giving you a taste of this or that seem to motivate sales.