Yesterday when we left me on my Saturday walk, I decided not to waste time/effort/breath on a lady who insisted on wearing no mask because of the "hoax." I don't get why such people are so willing — almost eager — to risk their lives and the lives of those around them on the premise that something like 99% of all doctors who specialize in communicable diseases, as well as a solid majority of Americans, are wrong about this virus thing.
You have your conspiracy nuts who think the whole thing is a sham, there's no coronavirus and all those reported deaths are because some all-powerful cabal is wildly exaggerating the number of people who die from everyday causes and they're passing it off a pandemic. These conspiracy nuts should not be confused with the conspiracy nuts who've decided that the virus is real but it was man-made — probably by Bill Gates and George Soros pooling their spare change — to control us all and force us to submit to Socialism, Fascism and High Fructose Corn Syrup.
I got an e-mail a month or three ago from one guy who's in both camps: There is a virus, it is killing people, it was man-made…and it also doesn't really exist. But hey, why miss out on any reason to line one's chapeau with Reynolds Wrap?
When I moved on from the maskless lady on the corner, I noticed a sign on the front of a department store near me that used to be a KMart. I wrote back here about its spectacular — junk you don't want at prices you can't afford to turn down — sale. Then for several months, it was an empty, unlisted building…
Then suddenly one day, it was mysteriously painted purple or violet or magenta or pink or whatever you want to call this color…
What it was being turned-into was a pop-up museum called The Zone, aka The Britney Spears Zone. It was a touristy attraction for fans of Ms. Spears, filled with sets and costumes and re-creations of scenes from her most famous music videos. One could tour it for an admission price I don't recall but it was more than my curiosity wanted to pay — i.e., more than a dime. I'm not certain when it opened or how many people went through it before it was shut tight by The Pandemic. I suspect someone lost an awful lot of money.
Quietly and without notice, it was recently repainted to green and converted into what looks to me like a seasonal (only) department store. In its new identity, it cried out to be photographed and posted here because it so well represents what makes this Christmas different from all past Christmases and, we fervently hope, all future ones…
And below, there was a smaller sign announcing that Santa was away at the North Pole and would be back on duty soon.
If you go to the web address on the banner, you can read how they've achieved what they say is "the only safe photo with Santa in Los Angeles." It includes…
- The Magic Santa Shield is an acrylic barrier in place between Santa and families at all times.
- All surfaces are cleaned and sanitized between each visit.
- All team members wear face coverings. Customer requirements are based on local guidelines.
- Families standby in a designated area away from other shoppers.
…and that's how they offer a "contactless Claus." If it wasn't $45, I might have gone in and done the old "grin grin, wink wink, snap snap," just to see if they had elves scurrying around with bottles of Purell®. It seemed kinda…creepy to me, this whole idea of taking kids to see Santa but he's been sanitized for their protection.
But the more I thought about it, the more I thought this: Going to see Santa Claus at a department store has always been kinda creepy. You go there, you wait in line, you sit on his knee like dozens, maybe hundreds of other kids have. You tell him what you want for Christmas and face some sort of friendly interrogation from this stranger about whether you've been a good little boy or a bad little boy…
And you suspect this is not the real Santa. On the way in, you spotted Santa outside the store ringing a bell for Salvation Army donations. Somehow, this guy can give free toys and gifts to every little good boy or girl who hasn't been naughty. His elves can even somehow make the Wham-O, Hasbro, Ideal or Mattel toys you want for Christmas — or the toys of any other privately-held company…but he has to beg for loose change outside every department store in town and somehow, also appear inside every one so kids can visit him.
You begin to suspect the knee you're on might actually belong to some outta-work wino who somehow sobered up enough to land a job for the holidays. I thought back to when my folks took me to see Santa. I don't know what age I was but this a real, honest-to-God photo of me meeting The Man or a reasonable facsimile…
Does that kid on the right look happy to you? Does he look like he wants to sit on that old guy's knee? Wouldn't he prefer to not be there or at least to have a Magic Santa Shield between him and the guy from the temp agency wearing the fake beard?
Someday, the coronavirus will be gone and we will all get back to something that will resemble normality. That will be wonderful but I'd like to suggest that if we have to have Santa Claus Performance Artists in stores at Christmas, we keep them all behind acrylic barriers and douse them liberally with pine-scented Lysol. COVID-19 isn't the only thing we have to worry about.