As you may know, I have loads and loads of food allergies. I cannot even begin to list the foods I cannot eat but it probably includes many that you love, especially if you favor the spicier treats.
Once upon a time, I picked up a lady to take her on a First Date. Once in the car, I gave her her choice of two or three restaurants I liked. To my horror, she said, "I love adventurous eating. Let's pick a strange-looking restaurant that neither of us has even been in and tell the waiter to bring us anything he thinks we'll like — the spicier, the better." That was when I knew it was an Only Date. There are very few things in this world I am less likely to do than have dinner on that basis.
I explained to her about my food allergies and she said "I understand" in a way that made it clear she did not understand. A lot of people don't. They think, "Hey, if I enjoy eating it, you'll enjoy eating it." We went to a dining spot from my list where we talked and discovered all the many ways we were incompatible. I think we both had two arms and breathed oxygen but that was about it.
Every now and then, I've thought I ought to learn how to cook. That way, I would have absolute control over what went into the food that went into my mouth. The trouble with that turned out to be that I am a terrible cook and the more I attempt it, the worse I get.
The results are usually safe in terms of ingredients but it all sometimes comes out inedible for other reasons…like the last time I made a corned beef. I followed the directions and broke my electric knife trying to carve what wound up resembling a huge, misshapen hockey puck covered in coriander, peppercorns and mustard seeds.
So I gave it up and now, I occasionally watch cooking videos out of curiosity and also because I need to learn what's in some things I may someday find on a menu. I enjoy Alton Brown's because I enjoy seeing him explain anything and also because he helps convince me that you need a B.A. in Chemistry in order to prepare meals properly. Since I do not have a B.A. in Chemistry and was brain-dead stupid about the subject when I took it in high school, he helps convince me to give up this recurring urge to cook.
I am not joking about this. When I watch this man make a meat loaf, I think, "Well, I guess I can forget about ever making a meat loaf," thereby saving myself the time and cost of attempting it and having it turn out like that corned beef. If he ever does a video about the right way to spread Skippy Natural Super Chunk Peanut Butter on Ritz crackers, I will probably discover I've been doing it all wrong and will stop doing that forever.
Mr. Brown is always saying to let something chill overnight or to let it rest a while after you take it out of the oven. He says, "Your patience will be rewarded" and I might have that patience if there was a chance of the end result turning out the way it does when he cooks. Unfortunately, it keeps coming out the way things come out when I cook…and that is not worth waiting for.
And even he loses me when he talks, as many of the food video chefs do, about adding a little "heat" to their makings. The second they say that or "Cajun" or "Sriracha" or even "hot sauce," I know I'm not going to like it…and yes, I know I can just leave those ingredients out but those words tell me that what the chef thinks is tasty does not align with what I think is tasty.
I used to watch a lot of the cooking videos posted in frightening quantity by Chef John of foodwishes.com. The trouble was that he thinks everything needs Cayenne Pepper. Well, almost everything. Here's the first video I've seen of his in a long time that was Cayenne-free and it's kind of an interesting one. I thought there was only one way to make lemonade without a mix and when I watched this video, I had the urge to try his way.
I won't but it does intrigue me and I thought it might interest some of you. I won't be making it because I've given up all beverages except water. And also if I made it, it would come out like the corned beef, only more difficult to slice…