Ira B. Matetsky, a longtime reader of this site, recently e-mailed to remind me that years ago, I said I was going to tell this story here and I never did. It's probably not worth the wait but here goes…
This happened in the early-to-mid nineties and I was dating an actress. As I've learned, when you go out with an actress, it's almost impossible to buy her one meal. Wherever you take them, whatever they order, they almost always eat half of it and then take the rest "to go" for the next day. This includes one who was a regular on a hit TV series at the time and probably making a lot more money than me.
It has even been true when I've taken one to a buffet where they don't pack what's left on your plate "to go." In those instances, the actress will get a few extra items from the buffet, wrap them in napkins (or in one case, some Ziploc® bags she'd brought for just this purpose) and slip tomorrow's lunch into their purse. I think this double-dipping may be some sort of requirement if you have a S.A.G. card.
The actress in this story liked red meat and she liked milk so when we went out, we always went someplace where she could get both. Our anecdote takes place at Lawry's, a famous eatery that serves huge slices of prime rib carved tableside. These days when I go there, I order the English Cut, which is the smallest portion and I, like my date if she's an actress, eat half and take the rest home. But this story was a few years before my Gastric Bypass operation so I ordered the largest serving, which was the Diamond Jim Brady cut and I had it with mashed potatoes and creamed corn.
My actress friend ordered the same thing but she, of course, was ordering for two meals. I found on the Internet someone's photo from a Lawry's of the Diamond Jim Brady cut with mashed potatoes and creamed corn. Take a look at it. One of these, at this level of doneness is exactly what was placed before each of us…
Pretty massive, huh? If it looks familiar, you might remember when a similar portion made Fred Flintstone's car tip over.
My friend planned to eat half of hers (if that much) and take the rest home to feed herself for the next week or so. I was thinking of doing that but I ate and ate and pretty soon, there wasn't enough left to take with me. So I was just resting a bit before tackling the last two or three bites on my plate.
She was drinking milk. One thing you need to know about Lawry's is that they have the greatest service in the world. There are always men scurrying about to get you a fresh napkin or a clean fork. When you take a sip from your glass of water, there's a man there in seconds with a pitcher to top it off and replace that sip. My date finished off her second glass of milk and almost instantly, there was someone there to place a third glass of milk before her.
She picked it up and the entire bottom of the glass fell off it, splashing milk all over our table, all over what was left of our dinners, all over us.
This apparently is not that unusual in restaurants. I just Googled the matter and found this on a message board from some time ago…
This happens in restaurants more than you might imagine. The dishwashers in these places are steaming hot and glasses are sometimes grabbed before they can cool and they're filled with cold liquids. This causes the very molecules of the glass to explode in all directions and the bottom of the glass comes off in a clean break.
What happened next happened so fast I couldn't believe it. Four Lawry's bus boys or attendants or whatever you call them were suddenly on us. In a second, they took everything off our table, mopped up the remaining milk, dried the table, put down a new tablecloth and replaced the pepper, the place settings, the little jar of Lawry's Seasoned Salt, everything. And in a flash, they put two brand-new, untouched Diamond Jim Brady cuts of prime rib before us, complete with mashed potatoes and creamed corn.
It was like someone had turned back time to the moment just after we were served and before we dug in. I tried to tell them we didn't (well, I didn't) need an entire new dinner but it was done so fast I couldn't stop it. A few of the nearby diners actually applauded how rapidly they'd removed all traces of the accident. The plates we were staring at each looked exactly like this…
My actress friend was delighted. She now had enough beef to last her the rest of the month so she called for a box. I wasn't about to tuck into this one so I said, "Bring me a box, too." I paid the check — and yes, they just charged for my dinner, her dinner and a lot of milk — and we got up to go. We were just leaving the table with our little doggie boxes when I heard a man at the table opposite us say, "Nice trick there with the milk. I'll have to try that some time."
I hadn't noticed him there before but I recognized him, mostly from his voice. It might make his line more effective if you re-read it with him in mind. It was Jack Nicholson.