Christopher Quan sent me two questions. Here they come, one at a time…
A morbid question, but have you ever considered making a final message, to be put up posthumously?
This might be the most-asked question I've received and the answer is no. If I'm doing this blog when I turn ninety, I'll probably entertain the notion then but as I've said here before, I don't believe in premature surrender to age or mortality. They will eventually win — no doubt about it — but I've seen a lot of folks I know decide it's almost all over way before they have to. I'm talking about guys younger than I am now (I'm 67) who've somehow decided that the interesting part of their lives is past and that now it's just a matter of hanging around, waiting for the Grim Reaper to arrive.
I don't give in to that…although I do expect that when the time comes, G.R. will come for me in exactly the same manner as an Uber driver. I'll get a little text message that he's five minutes away and I need to be outside or he might leave without me. The only real differences will be that (a) I won't be able to select or change my destination and (b) he won't be driving a Prius. I will be taken directly to Hell, though probably not by the shortest route and there, amidst the torture and fire pits and sulfur smell, I'll be getting constant texts asking me to rate my driver and to tip.
No, I don't think about prepping for my death. I did the Last Will and Testament thing years ago and haven't gotten around to amending it since I left most of what I'm worth to Carolyn, plus I named Earl Kress as Executor and now they're both gone. I take that as a reminder from Someone that you really can't plan effectively for death, at least until you're a few weeks from Hospice.
Oh — and I've also arranged for a big party for all my friends after I go. It's going to be great with terrific food and entertainment and I'm going to really regret not being there for it. I mention it now so some of you will feel there's a reason to be nice to me. You're going to want to be on that guest list.
But no, no plans to write an after-I'm-gone post. I think it's healthier to live my life like there's never going to be a need for that kind of thing.
And now, here's Christopher's other question…
Have you ever been offered to work on a project, but declined for whatever reasons, then saw that project later and thought "I really want to work on that now"?
When I read this, I thought "Oh, there must be several." But I've been thinking about it for a few days now and I can't come up with one. I once passed on an offer to spend Labor Day in Vegas — and a few weeks before that here — working on the Jerry Lewis Telethon. I used to cite that as a regret but in the last few years of Jerry's life, I witnessed or heard about enough misbehavior on his part to be glad I said no to that one.
This is tough to answer because I don't know what my life would have been like if I'd said yes to some offers. I was once offered a staff position as a writer for Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show. I thought it over and turned it down for four reasons…
- It was mostly a job to write monologue jokes and I didn't feel I was strong enough in that area. It wasn't what I did best (or least-worse, which is the humble way to look at it) and I wasn't confident I could turn in enough acceptable jokes as rapidly and as often as the job required.
- A friend of mine once accepted the same job. He went to work a big fan of Johnny and that show and had such a rough time — including fights directly with Carson — that ever after, he couldn't bring himself to even watch what had once been his favorite program. I was genuinely afraid of that happening to me.
- At that particular time in my life, I didn't feel like getting up at 8 AM five days a week, driving myself to Burbank, working there all day and fighting rush hour traffic to get home.
- And I would have had to turn down or quit some other projects that felt to me like a better use of my time and what we laughingly call "creative energy."
So I said no and while I think that was the right decision, we'll never know for sure. Most of the answers I came up with to this question are in that category. If I think of one that isn't, I'll post it here.
