Hard to believe but today marks two years since my lovely friend Carolyn Kelly left this planet. I think I said this last year here but there are times when it seems like twenty years ago and times when it feels like twenty minutes. She was a major part of my life for two decades and almost every day now, something reminds me of her. When I was sitting in that jury room last Friday, there was a woman sitting a couple of rows ahead of me who could have stunt-doubled the back of Carolyn's head.
Alas, when she turned around, she wasn't Carolyn. No one is these days…which is a true shame. The genuine article was a vibrant, mostly-sunny, compassionate presence in the world. She cared about everyone she met and even people she never met but only heard of. We need more of that.
During the twenty-or-so years she was my companion/girlfriend, we separated five times, I believe. I remember every time we got back together and I even remember some hurtful things that were said during or around the break-ups. That's the downside of having a good memory: Sometimes, you remember things you'd prefer to forget. But what I have forgotten are the particular events or statements that led to those break-ups. I mean, I know they were all her fault just as I'm sure she remembered them as all my fault. But I can't recall or even imagine a reason to not be with someone as bright and beautiful as she was.
I do remember one moment when I knew we'd be getting back together. I was never going to see Carolyn again and she was never going to see me and I was in Las Vegas with another lady. Our third and last evening there, I was telling her a story that involved my "ex" and this other lady stopped me and said, "You're going to get back with her, you know."
I said, "What makes you say that?"
She said, "Because every time you address me by my name, I hear a tiny 'K' sound in your voice before you correct yourself and get my name right."
I thought for a second, sighed and told her, "Yeah, I guess I am going to get back with her."
The relationship changed (of course) when her cancer reached the stage that I knew I'd be losing her permanently in the sadly-foreseeable future. Her doctors unanimously confirmed it to me and one even laid out a timetable that was only off by about two weeks. It was not until around the final month that Carolyn seemed to accept it, though as long as she could speak, she still tried some of those "miracle" cures that patients with nothing to lose try. I don't think she expected any of them to work but I can see where it might feel good to not stop trying.
I got to thinking a lot about her the other day when I was picking out the photo of her to post with this piece. I have hundreds to pick from so it was a matter of deciding which one best captured that real, pure, beautiful smile of hers that I so enjoyed being around. Like most great smiles, hers was a two-part effort involving not just the mouth but the eyes as well, along with a sense of the joyous spirit within the person.
The photo I selected was taken when we were at a WonderCon in San Francisco in 2009. She was posing with someone else but I cropped him out. The picture doesn't do the smile full justice but I'm not sure any photograph could. You had to be there to fully experience how wonderful it was. It's one of the things I miss most since she went away — along with her voice and her wit and her insight and her understanding and her charm and her talents and her approval and…well, it's a long list. By next year, it will probably be an item or two longer.