As regular readers of this blog know, I get a lot of phone calls from contractors — or more likely, folks working on commission to solicit work for contractors — offering me free estimates on home repairs. Often, the pitch goes like this. Remember: This is a call from someone who has never spoken to me before, representing a company that has never had anyone call me before…
Mr. Ebner, this is So-and-So with Whatever Construction Company. I spoke to you last May about possible work on your home. You were very nice to me and you asked me to call back around now to discuss the work that you thought you'd be ready to do.
I mind all these calls but "Hi, I'm a contractor and do you have any work we could bid on?" bothers me less than the ones that start with a lie. Usually, I tell them it's a lie. In fact, I tell them it's the exact same lie from the same script as two other calls this morning and ten in the past week. If they don't hang up then, I tell them I'm not going to do business with someone who lies to me in their opening speech. That usually makes them go away.
Lately, I seem to have gotten on some list of folks who have Medicare so I'm getting these calls, most of which are from a company that's trying to sound like an official agency…
Mr. Eveenar, this is Somebody calling from Medicare Services with good news. Our doctors have examined your records and determined that you qualify for a free back-brace to alleviate the chronic pains you've been experiencing in your lower back.
I tell the person that I am experiencing no chronic pains in my lower back, and some of them sound very disappointed to hear that. One, thinking fast, decided to relocate my chronic pain. She said, "Oh, I'm sorry. I misread that. It's your knees. You're having chronic pains in your knees." Based on the principle that if she can lie to me, I can lie to her, I told her I was having no problems with my knees…whereupon she began ticking off body parts: "Feet? Wrists? Ankles?"
I said, "Spleen. Do you have a free brace for my spleen?"
She said, "I don't know what that is but I'll check and I bet we have a free spleen-brace we can send you!" (And bill my Medicare lots of money…)