Night before last around 3 AM, I went grocery shopping and on the way home, I decided to drive-thru a McDonald's drive-thru and get myself a medium-sized order of fries and a quarter-pounder with cheese but without the cheese. I am, by actual measure, one of only eleven Americans who do not like cheese on a hamburger. More people have walked on the moon than prefer cheeselessburgers to cheeseburgers.*
Obtaining my cheese-free quarter-pounder proved to be more difficult than you'd think. Ordering at the little speaker, I explained it twice to the voice from the loudspeaker. It took a long time to get to the window, apparently because they'd screwed-up the order of a customer ahead of me. Since I hadn't paid yet, if there'd been a way to exit the line and drive off without my order, I would have. But there were cars ahead of me and cars behind me and I was stuck…for about ten minutes, I think.
When I finally got to the window, I paid, the fellow there handed me my order and before I drove off, I decided to check it. The fries were cold and the burger had cheese on it. The following conversation ensued…
HIM: That's okay. I didn't charge you for the cheese.
ME: You already charged me…and isn't the burger without cheese the same price as the burger with cheese?
HIM: I guess.
ME: The point is I don't want cheese on my burger. Take this back and have someone make me a quarter-pounder without cheese. And I think I need some fresh, warm fries.
He looked at me like I was causing needless trouble…and I did feel guilty about what I was doing to the cars behind me in line. I could see three in my rear-view mirror and there may have been more but the line snaked around the building going out of my sight. Finally, he handed me a new quarter-pounder. I reminded him about the fries and as he went to get them, I checked the burger. It had cheese on it.
I refused the new fries and gave him back the new burger.
ME: Give me a newly-cooked quarter-pounder without cheese and newly-fried fries. Or if you prefer, give me back my money and we'll forget the whole thing.
HIM: I don't know how to issue refunds. I'm not sure if we're even allowed to.
ME: Then give me the right burger and the right fries.
He went off to do that and was gone for quite a while during which the cars behind me began honking…and I sure didn't blame them. In fact, I decided to just abandon the entire mission and drive off without the meal I'd paid for. I noticed the car directly behind me followed me out without stopping for its order.
The next day, just to see what would happen, I called up and talked to the Manager. He was deeply apologetic and told me that if I came by and asked for him, he'd make good on my order. That was about what I figured would happen. I told him, "Thanks but I think it'll be a long time before I eat again at a McDonald's." He said that was about what he figured would happen.
*By the way: The statistics cited in the first paragraph about how many people don't want cheese on their burgers are totally spurious. I just made them up and I suppose I shouldn't lie like that but I watch the news and it's becoming very apparent that most people don't care if you lie as long as you're on their side. I assume if you read this blog, you're on my side, at least on subjects like this.