Old Bay Seasoning, which one often finds on seafood, was developed in 1939 by German immigrant Gustav Brunn…and no, I didn't know that until I Wikipediaed it. I assume they know of what they speak. What they can't tell me is exactly what's in it. They say, "According to the ingredients list, the seasoning mix includes celery salt, black pepper, crushed red pepper flakes, and paprika. Other spices are used, but are not specified." The official website for the product tells you that much and no more.
On the 'net, one finds a lot of guesses. One "copycat" recipe suggests a mixture of ground bay leaves, celery salt, dry mustard, ground black pepper, ground ginger, sweet paprika (or maybe smoked paprika), ground white pepper, ground nutmeg, ground cloves, ground allspice, crushed red pepper flakes, ground mace, and ground cardamom. Whatever's in it, it doesn't sit well with my food allergies. There's a little tummy tingle I get when I've eaten something that might trigger a big reaction were I to consume a lot of it.
I get that warning signal from Old Bay Seasoning. Something deep in my abdomen — or maybe it's an intestine, close to where they put the staple — sends up a message that says in essence, "Hey! Don't send any more of that stuff down here! You understand, fella?" I try to listen to these communications because I have paid a severe price when I haven't.
Last month, Amber and I spent a few days in Baltimore attending the Baltimore Comic-Con — a very good convention in a very friendly city. We both hope to go back there some day but I'll have to remember something: In Baltimore, everything edible seems to come doused in Old Bay Seasoning. Outside the convention center, there were food trucks selling ice cream and milk shakes. Amber asked me to buy her a strawberry milk shake and I told her, "Fine…but remember to tell them you don't want Old Bay Seasoning on it!"
Maybe we had this problem because on our three of our four nights there, we tried to dine at three seafood restaurants. We both like seafood and Baltimore's supposed to be one of the best places to eat it…and I guess it is. You just have to watch the hell out for the Old Bay Seasoning.
The first night, we went to a place and we both ordered fried shrimp and fries. What we each got was a platter of Old Bay Seasoning with some shrimp and fries sprinkled in like a garnish. I tried shaking and scraping but after two or three bites, it was apparent I couldn't get enough of it off to make the entree edible. Even Amber, who has no known food allergies and loves hot 'n' spicy chow, had trouble with hers.
I called over the server, suggested that the chef perhaps held stock in the Old Bay Seasoning company, and asked if he could possibly redo our dinners without the stuff. She cheerily said "Certainly" and whisked away our plates. Ten or fifteen minutes later, we had the remakes and I learned that in Baltimore, "No Old Bay Seasoning" apparently means "Less Old Bay Seasoning." The fries were happily devoid of the stuff but the shrimp still had a mild dusting.
It was late and we were tired so I scraped my prawns, which sounds painful I know, and ate enough of them to feel full. Later, my stomach voice scolded me a bit but it wasn't too bad. The next night, we went to Philadelphia and dined there, not on seafood.
The next night back in Baltimore, we dined at a different seafood place and I decided to give their shrimp + fries a whack but I explicitly told the server, "No Old Bay Seasoning whatsoever." He said he understood and so would the chef. When the dinners arrived, mine was fine from a french-fry standpoint. The shrimp, of course, had a batter around it and I took one bite and thought, "This tastes like Old Bay Seasoning." I flagged down our server, explained my suspicion and he said he'd go check with the cooks. His investigation took a long time and everyone else at our table had finished their meals by the time he returned to me.
"Our chefs didn't apply any Old Bay Seasoning," he reported, "but the coating mix on our shrimp is this." He showed me a large, empty brown paper wrapper which had previously held many pounds of — and I quote from its label — "Calamari Batter Blend." Its list of ingredients mentioned a few harmless things like flour and salt and then said, "Various herbs and spices." The restaurant — and this was a very famous seafood establishment, by the way — had no idea what spices were going into their fried shrimp and other menu items that used this mix made by an outside supplier.
I told him to take away the shrimp and to bring me a couple of crab cakes "with no Old Bay Seasoning." He did — and the crab cakes were edible but not as good as you'd expect a crab cake at a very famous seafood establishment in Baltimore to be.
On the way out, a cheery hostess said to us, "We hope you enjoyed your meals and that we'll be seeing you again soon." Imitating her cheery tone, I replied, "I did not enjoy my meal and you'll never see me here again."
She grinned back as if she hadn't heard me and said, "Great. Then we look forward to seeing you again soon." I suspect that kind of tone-deafness comes from ingesting too much Old Bay Seasoning.
The next night, we dined at the convention's awards banquet and then our last evening in Baltimore — late afternoon, actually — we found ourselves in urgent need of a quick meal before we got on a shuttle to the airport. We had about forty minutes so we went to the closest restaurant, which was not primarily a seafood establishment. Amber ordered a shrimp fried rice. I ordered a hamburger, medium-rare, with fries. Because I wasn't ordering fish, it did not occur to me to say, "No Old Bay Seasoning" and I should have because you'll never guess what was liberally sprinkled over the fries.
I couldn't eat them and I couldn't make it past two bites of a burger that was so overdone, the Detroit Red Wings could use it as a puck. The manager offered to have the meal re-prepared but by then, we had to run for the airport shuttle so instead, they graciously took my meal off the bill. At the airport, I opted for the safe haven of an Arby's Roast Beef Sandwich and an order of their Potato Cakes. They do not use Old Bay Seasoning and believe me, I checked and double-checked.
Getting back to the first place we dined in Baltimore: It's part of a large nationwide chain and I'm in their Bonus Points program. On their website, I answered one of those "How was your dining experience?" questionnaires and to my surprise, I soon received an e-mail from the manager of the restaurant asking me to phone him. I did and he apologized for what happened there, telling me, "We've had a problem with one of our chefs. He doesn't believe people don't want Old Bay Seasoning." Duh. The manager assured me they'd cured him of that and that he would make things up to us. I thought was very nice that he bothered since he knew we were visitors from Los Angeles and that even if we'd loved the food at his place, we weren't likely to give it a lot of repeat business.
He took my phone number and less than an hour later, I was called by a Vice-President at the parent company. Donald "I never apologize for anything" Trump could learn from this man. He apologized in a manner that sure sounded sincere and not scripted. Among other things, he said, "I see by your record in our loyalty program that you've been a very good customer for us and we don't want a very good customer to be unhappy with our establishments." Last Saturday, I received from him a very nice letter repeating what he'd said on the phone and enclosed was a $100 gift card for any of their restaurants. $100 is about double what our dinners cost at their eatery in Baltimore so I'm fine with them…and I've learned to ask everyone who tries to feed me about Old Bay Seasoning, right along with the other items that are not good for me.
As readers of this site know, the only thing in this world that I am a "hater" of is cole slaw…and even that's somewhat of a joke. I do find it disgusting but my bigger problem with it is that it invariably contains one or more ingredients which run up against the allergies. (My lesser problem with it is the annoyance of finding it on my plate, often oozing into the items I want to eat, even though I explicitly told the order-taker "No cole slaw.")
I also, as many of you remind me this time of year, can't stand candy corn. Actually, since I gave up all candy a few years ago, I can't stand any sweets, including varieties I used to love…but I never liked candy corn because, well, no one likes candy corn. But when you come right down to it, they're just two of the thousands of things I simply cannot eat without getting very ill. I really don't care that much about either of these in particular.
Still, one of these days, someone for a joke is going to try and feed me a mixture of cole slaw and candy corn, and they're going to, ho-ho, sprinkle Old Bay Seasoning over the whole thing. I hope they find this concoction attractive…because they're gonna be wearing it.