[Note: The following is adapted from a column I wrote for the Comics Buyers Guide in 1995.]
A vicious and untrue rumor is making the rounds that I am the worst dancer in the world. This is absolutely false and I am quite prepared to take legal action against those spreading it.
In the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, nestled at the foot of the Asir Mountains, not far from the coastal Tahimah plain lies a village comprised of worshippers of the Wahabi sect of Sunnite Islam. One such dweller, a nomadic Bedouin named Kwali Mahal has attained the age of ninety-eight years despite being not only quadriplegic but stone deaf, as well.
Kwali Mahal is the worst dancer in the world. I am a close second.
There are many reasons for my ranking, not the least of which is that I am rather devoid of coordination and deftness of movement. I have feet the size of Chryslers and a Sense of Balance found otherwise only in felled timber. I trip over stray thoughts. And I am about as graceful as a wildebeest in its dying throes.
Set all of the above to music and you have Me Dancing.
Which you will rarely, if ever, see. Long ago, I opted to give the Richter Scale folks a break and refrain from tripping the light — or, in my case — the heavy fantastic.
I won't dance. Don't ask me.
I did once, oddly enough, on TV. Drafted into service as an extra in a sketch on a variety show I was writing, I was fully in costume and make-up on stage when it dawned on me that the sketch ended with all the extras leaping to their feet and dancing. There was no way of getting out of it, graceful or otherwise, and no way of going through with it, graceful or otherwise.
So I danced, ever so briefly on the NBC Television Network for what was surely not one of the peacock's prouder moments. That NBC is still ostensibly in the entertainment biz after airing the sorriest of spectacles (Evanier dancing) is due to the fact that it was a comedy show — so Baryshnikov was not expected — and that I wrote said comedy show. Thus, viewers were few in number and probably didn't believe what they were seeing, anyway.
That was the second time I was ever asked to dance on TV. The first time was when I was nine, That was when my career as a child actor began and ended, quicker than you can say, "Rodney Allen Rippy." Let us begin at the beginning, which in this case was the studio of a Los Angeles photographer.
My parents, being parents, routinely hauled me to this photographer's studio, forcibly combed my hair into an unnatural neatness and had me sit for the kind of photos that most parents want to press in scrapbooks for all posterity. The purpose of these photos was, I suppose, was if some day in the future, I proved to be a colossal disappointment to my folks. Then they could haul out the pictures from when I was a tot, sigh over how cute I was and moan, "Where did we go wrong?"
Unless you count the fact that they raised a comedy writer, my parents never went wrong…except twice. One, which I wrote about here, was the time they enrolled me in Hebrew School. The other time, much earlier than Hebrew School, began one day when that photographer suggested that I might have a career as a child actor.
It was his idea — not theirs and certainly not mine. And it was not a scam, as are most "opportunities" for parents who think their kids are cute and/or talented to pay huge fees for photos and publicity and lessons. (Quick but not unimportant aside: If you ever try to get your child into show business and some "agent" or "manager" suggests any arrangement where you take money out of your pocket, grab the kid and run the other way.)
No one ever asked my parents for a cent…probably because the offer was legit but possibly because I proved to be so inept at acting that even a steel-hearted con artist couldn't bring himself to take money under such false pretenses.
But, more likely, it was all Kosher. The photographer asked if it was okay for him to send a few of the photos he'd shot over to an agent he knew. My parents agreed and for a week or so there, probably pondered the notion that they had given birth to the new Mickey Rooney, except that even at that age I was taller and more mature.
And then they made the big mistake. They signed me up for tap dancing lessons.
Maybe they thought I had some ability for it. Maybe they were just so fearful that I'd wind up doing this for a living that they were willing to try anything. I have no idea and years later, when I asked them why they'd done that, neither could explain why that ever seemed like a good idea; just that it had something to do with that vague possibility that I might have a performing career in my future.
So every Saturday morning for a few months there, they would drop me off at the dance studio and I would squeeze my feet into my little tap shoes and clip-clop across the dance floor in vague approximation to the music.
When you're nine, you don't have to be great. You don't have to be good. You just have to be cute. I wasn't even that.
I have but two semi-vivid memories of that class. One is of a late runthrough of a routine we were going to do for everyone's parents one evening. We had a five minute routine to the tune of "School Days" that had been continually simplified throughout the learning process, the instructor removing step after step, hoping eventually to distill it down to something our class's Lowest Common Denominator (m.e.) could handle. No matter how simple it got, it wasn't simple enough.
And I can still recall that last rehearsal when we did the combination. I tripped over something (a chalk line, I think) and the instructor started sobbing, apparently anticipating a mob of angry parents demanding that twenty-three tuitions be refunded.
The dance studio bore the name of a famous choreographer of the time and he sometimes taught the advanced classes, which there was no chance of my ever reaching. When he came by to see us go through our paces, it was the second time I'd ever seen the man. The first was when he did a local interview show, shortly after I'd been enrolled, in which he extolled the joys of dancing and explained that dance was not a specialized art reserved for the especially lithe or musical. No, he told the interviewer, anyone on the planet could dance or be taught to dance…anyone!
This was said before he saw me dance.
When he came by that day and saw me dance, he was willing to concede there were possible exceptions.
Some folks dance so poorly, it is said they have two left feet. I had about eleven.
In fact, not only was I unable to dance but it was apparently contagious: No one around me could dance, either. I confused rhythms, led them left when we were supposed to go right and made everyone fear I was going to crash into them…which I also did with alarming frequency. "I will take the lad in hand," the famed choreographer said and he took me into another room for a solid hour of one-on-one remedial tap tutoring. (This was one of the world's great dancers also, let's remember. Him teaching me was a little like Arnold Palmer training a tot to putt the ball into the clown's mouth at the miniature golf course.)
At the end of the hour, not only was I as lousy as ever but the famous choreographer was stumbling and tripping and contemplating a career in Motel Management.
Somehow, we got through the recital for parents. It would make a wonderful story to report here that through some miracle and an appeal to the patron saint of Terpsichore, I suddenly, magically became Fred Astaire (or even Fred Flintstone)…but 'twas not to be. The best I can say for my performance is that no one laughed out loud but I did note a few of the parents covering their mouths to snicker…and my own mother and father slinking out of the hall at the close of the festivities.
My other remembrance is of a moment during a class, shortly before I decided to hang up the old tap shoes. I was stumbling over latitude and longitude lines when some official of the dance school ran in, so excited she couldn't contain herself. I thought for a moment that maybe I'd done a step right but no such luck. What it was was that someone had just called from Jerry Lewis's office to see if they could rent some beginning tap dancers for an upcoming Jerry Lewis Special.
Jerry was doing a sketch on said special in which he played a tremulous ten-year-old on his first day of tap class and he wanted some kids like us to people the class. They were sending over a producer (or someone) to watch us tap and to decide if we could play the class around him.
Everyone was excited: "We're going to be on TV," several kids gasped with delight.
Within the hour, the person affiliated with the Lewis show had arrived to take a look at us. I'm under the impression it was Jerry's producer, Ernest D. Glucksman because I had that name stuck in my brain from around that time and where else could I have heard it? Whoever it was, he watched us for three minutes, realized that my attempts to dance were funnier than anything Jerry could possibly do, and departed. No more was said about us doing his show, which I always thought was a shame. Had Jerry seen me dance, he could have started a second telethon.
That was it for me and dancing. To this day, I'm not even allowed to sway in time to the music without a hunting license. (I don't know what that means but doesn't it sound like a joke?)
Speaking of jokes, my career as a child actor finally began and ended with one audition. I'm surprised I made it that far.
My parents got a call one day from a casting director at Twentieth-Century Fox, asking them to haul their son in there at 3:00 sharp to meet with the producers of a forthcoming movie. They were as shocked as I was.
To this day, I don't know what the movie was or even if it was ever made. I don't even know the name of the star but we were told the following…
Someone was needed in the film to play the star as a kid in a scene that flashed-back to his youth. The star decided to personally pick the lad who'd play him and he closeted himself in the casting office for a day and looked at every photo they had of a white male child, approximately nine years of age.
One of the photos taken of me by the photographer had found its way to their office and, when the star saw it, he gasped. Out loud. It looked almost exactly like his mother's favorite photo of him. That's how come I found myself sitting with my mother in the producers' waiting room for what seemed to me like several weeks. Finally, they called me in, deliberately excluding Mom from the proceedings.
What I recall of that session is a lot of questions about my hobbies and my schoolwork until they finally got to the subject at hand…
"Have you ever done any acting, Mark?" asked one of the two producers.
"No, I haven't," I said. (I actually had. The twins next door and I had once put on a stirring, Evanier-adaptation of "Hansel and Gretel" for an audience consisting of their folks, my folks and one neighbor. We charged a nickel apiece and, for a minute there, I thought we were going to get some demands for refunds. I didn't figure the studio guys had that kind of thing in mind when they asked about "acting.")
"Would you like to be an actor?"
I thought for a second and said, "Not really."
The two producers looked at each other. I have a feeling they'd asked this of a hundred kids before me and I was the first one to give this answer.
"You don't want to be an actor when you grow up?"
"No," I said. "I think I want to be a writer. I want to write comic books and cartoons and TV shows." (I actually said that. My current occupation is that I write comic books and cartoons and TV shows.)
"Well, if we want you to act in our movie, would you consider it?"
"I'd consider it."
"Would you do it?"
I considered it for a second and answered, "I'd rather not."
The producers were baffled. One asked, "They why did you come here today?"
I shrugged. "You called and asked me."
They started laughing. Maybe I'm misremembering — it's been a while — but I think they thought this was the nicest, most unspoiled thing they'd heard out of a child's mouth in a long time. Having worked with professional child actors a few times and heard toddlers talk about Mike Ovitz and power lunches at the Polo Lounge at the Beverly Hills Hotel and getting a piece of the unadjusted gross, I can guess how they must have felt.
"Okay, Mark," one of them said. "You can go home now."
I slid off the chair, went back to my mother, we went home and I proceeded to grow up the way a relatively-normal kid would grow up.
For that, I have always been grateful. But I was never more grateful than one time years later when I met a former child star. He was about my age and about as admittedly-screwed-up as a person could get.
For about five years there, his world revolved around show business and agents and auditions. He made a lot of money but it was long gone, as was any demand for his services. He got to talking about his glory days. "When I was ten, I had a little electric car," he said. "And a miniature railroad that I could ride around the back yard…and a pet chimpanzee. I could buy anything I wanted…with one exception."
Before I could play straight man, someone else asked him what was the one exception?
"A real childhood," he said. "It's the one thing I've always wanted."
I was lucky enough to have one. And I'm still doing my darnedest not to let it end.