Not Your Kind of Place

The McDonald's company has a problem. Sales are plunging and they don't seem to know what to do about it. They're reportedly experimenting with a new gimmick where you can go in, tell a touch screen what you want to order, component by component, and your burger or sandwich will be made to order.

Will this work? I think not. People don't not go into McDonald's because some burgers come with pickle chips on them. They don't go in because they feel stupid eating at McDonald's or want something better than you can ever get at a McDonald's. I suspect "feel stupid" is more prevalent. It's why every time they've tried to make McDonald's feel like someplace you'd take an adult to dinner, it's failed miserably.

Hey, Ronald! You serve food that's for kids and/or convenience…nothing else. That's all you are. That's all you'll ever be.

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I confess. I patronize the chain occasionally and when I do, it's for only one reason: I need to get something to eat in a hurry and that's my best option. Nothing else is around or open or if something is, it's either (a) something much slower, (b) something quite unfamiliar or (c) a chain I like less including but not limited to Burger King, Carl's Jr, Jack-in-the-Box, anyplace that serves tacos or KFC.

I like chains. Having as many food allergies as I do, there's something very comforting about predictability in my food. I like that no matter where I am, I can go into a McDonald's and know exactly what I'm going to get. ("Predictability," by the way, is still one of my two reasons noted above why folks go there. It's a sub-category of "Convenience." So is the fact that often, it's safer for me than any nearby alternative. And unless there's a Five Guys — and I might not have time for a Five Guys — better.)

So I patronize Mickey D's but I rarely dine there. I drive-thru because, well, I feel uncomfy eating at those little plastic tables. Between those and the general ambiance, I feel like I'm snacking in a nursery school.

Some of it is being waited on by teenagers…or worse, by adults you know are being paid like teenagers. And some of it is…well, it's McDonald's. I'm wondering if the main reason their sales are down is that decades of McDonald's jokes — remarks about how it's tacky and low-class and exploitive of its help and there's no meat in their burgers — are just finally catching up with them.