I just made a wrong turn on my harddisk while looking for something and I found a file called "Rodney Lines." I have no memory of how or where this came from but it seems to be lines from Rodney Dangerfield's act. Here's what was in it…
- I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the West!
- My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.
- When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could but he pulled through."
- My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
- My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
- When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
- I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
- Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.
- What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!
- I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof!
- Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide."
- I remember I was so depressed, I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark…"
- I had a lot of pimples, too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.
- Last week, my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an axe!
- A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over! There's nobody home." So I went over. Nobody was home!
- I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
- During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
- One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey, buddy! What are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."
- I went to look for a used car. I found my wife's dress in the back seat!
- I went to see my doctor. I told him, "Every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
- I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
- I told my doctor I think my wife has V.D. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.
- My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like to get a second opinion. He said, 'All right, you're ugly, too!'"
- Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off the couch.
- Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
- I asked my old man if I could go ice skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait 'til it gets warmer."
- I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.