Monthly Archives: June 2014

I said here recently said that I spent one weekend in 1977 helping Gabe Kaplan out at a taping of The Battle of the Network Stars. I need to correct/clarify that.

ABC broadcast the first Battle of the Network Stars on November 13, 1976. It pitted teams from all three networks against one another in athletic events and ABC won two ways. Its team won the competition and the network had a special that got huge ratings and cried out for sequels. Quickly, they set up a rematch with the same team captains and some of the same team members.

The second one — the one I witnessed — aired on February 28, 1977 and it was actually called The Challenge of the Network Stars. Thereafter, they called them Battle of the Network Stars III, Battle of the Network Stars IV, etc., and retroactively referred to the one for which I was present as Battle of the Network Stars II. The teams were…

ABC Team: Gabe Kaplan (Team Captain), Levar Burton, Darleen Carr, Richard Hatch, Lawrence-Hilton Jacobs, Ron Howard, Hal Linden, Kristy McNichol, Penny Marshall, Jaclyn Smith

CBS Team: Telly Savalas (Team Captain), Sonny Bono, Kevin Dobson, Mike Farrell, David Groh, Linda Lavin, Lee Meriwether, Rob Reiner, Loretta Swit, Marcia Wallace

NBC Team: Robert Conrad (Team Captain), Elizabeth Allen, Lynda Day George, Carl Franklin, Karen Grassle, Dan Haggerty, Art Hindle, Kurt Russell, Jane Seymour, W.K. Stratton

I do not know who one or two of those people are and didn't then. A couple of them weren't sure at the time, either. For a while, I was sitting on the ABC bench and I had a clipboard with pages listing all the competitors and the schedule of events. Various stars were coming up to me, pointing to other competitors and asking, "What show is he [or she] on?"

It was all shot at Pepperdine University — half on Saturday and half on Sunday. One online reference says the hosts were Howard Cosell, Bruce Jenner and O.J. Simpson but I only recall seeing Mr. Cosell on the premises.

Gabe Kaplan introduced me to him. I shook the hand of the man they called with great sarcasm, Humble Howard and my gaze fixed on a toupee that wouldn't have fooled Quincy Magoo during a total eclipse. Gabe looked on as Cosell held onto my mitt with both hands and shook it over and over and told me, "Young man, I envy you this moment. It is rare that a pedestrian individual such as yourself has the opportunity to bask in the aura of true greatness. In years to come, not a day will go by that you will not boast of having met the famous Howard Cosell. Your children, your grandchildren, your great-grandchildren…they will all hear that you shook the hand of this nation's intellectual conscience."

I turned to Gabe and said, "You're right. He is an asshole."

Gabe laughed hysterically. A few other folks within earshot laughed. And Howard, to his credit, managed a chuckle.

I don't know why I said that. Well, I do know: to get the laugh. But that kind of remark usually isn't my style. Something about Mr. Cosell's little self-parody just brought it out in me.

An hour or so later, I was standing off in an area from which the general public was excluded, trying to act casual and watch something without appearing to be watching it. It was the sight of Jane Seymour in a clingy, wet nylon swim suit trying to dry her extremely-long hair. She was, then as now, a woman of stunning beauty.

In my quest to not look like I was ogling Ms. Seymour when I in fact was, I noticed Howard Cosell standing near me, trying to pretend he wasn't staring at her, too. It had already dawned on me that I might well owe the man an apology and this seemed like a fine time. I didn't think he'd taken umbrage. I thought what I'd said was in precisely the spirit that was demanded by his comment to me.

But he was a guy I kinda admired for some of the stands he'd taken…so just in case, I sidled over to him, nodded in the direction of Jane Seymour and said, "Now, isn't this better than interviewing Dick Butkus in the shower room?"

Mr. Cosell laughed and said, "Anything is better than interviewing Dick Butkus in the shower room. Or outside it for that matter."

I apologized to him for my remark. He said it wasn't necessary. I said, "I was very impressed back there with what a fine job you did of acting just like Howard Cosell."

He gave out with a long sigh. "It's a lot of work being me," he said. "I never know if I'm supposed to live up to my reputation or down to it."

Just then, he was called away to tape an interview for the show. He shook my hand like a normal human being and departed…but every time I saw him after that on TV, I thought about that remark: "I never know if I'm supposed to live up to my reputation or down to it." I suspect anyone who gains a rep for being outrageous in some way has to grapple with the same quandary.

A little later, I tried without any success to strike up a conversation with Ms. Seymour. I didn't really have it in mind that I might get her phone number or ask her to dinner but I also wasn't not thinking of those things.

I do not recall what I said but she smiled at me — which is all I was realistically seeking — and in the most polite, charming, civilized manner told me that she wasn't the least bit interested in talking to me, let alone going out with me. I hadn't even broached the latter activity but I guess she could sense I didn't not have it on my mind.

A week later at a party, I struck up a conversation with a young lady named Brenda. I don't remember what I said to her either but the first thing out of my mouth was whatever I'd said to Jane Seymour…only in this case, it led to us both saying many other things and then going to dinner the following evening. It was a terrible date — no rapport, no laughs, no spark.

By the time the waiter brought the check, we both wanted to be home and in bed — not in the same home and certainly not in the same bed — so we called it off then and there in the restaurant. I couldn't help but muse that having Jane Seymour say no was a much more pleasurable experience than having Brenda say yes.

Getting back to Pepperdine: I had two other encounters with glamorous actresses. Larry Hilton-Jacobs from Kotter introduced me to Joanna Cameron, who had been starring as the super-heroine Isis on a Saturday morning TV series. We hung out together for a while, then got separated in the crowds before she could turn me down. If and when she had, I probably would have replied, "You know, you could learn something from Jane Seymour."

Then a few weeks after the event, a photo of me turned up in not The Enquirer but one of those other tabloids. Actually, it was a picture of Jaclyn Smith from Charlie's Angels, sitting on the ABC bench next to me. I was not identified but the caption, ignoring body language that screamed "No,", wondered if I might be the latest in a long (apparently) series of Jaclyn's boy friends. Alas, Jaclyn missed out on that wonderful opportunity by never saying one word to me.

And I think that's all I recall of the weekend, apart from what I mentioned in this earlier piece and this one. An interesting experience to say the least.

From last New Year's Eve: The five undead members of Monty Python on The Graham Norton Show. (I almost typed "The Graham Chapman Show")…

So is there still anyone out there who thinks Gay Marriage can be halted and banned and undone? Yes, I suppose there is because there are politicians and pundits out there who think they can rally support and donation$$$ by telling people the fight is not over. But when you lose in Utah, come on! Now you're just like the guy who writes me all the time asking for money so he can prove Hillary Clinton murdered Vince Foster. You don't believe the cause is winnable any more than Max Bialystock believed Springtime for Hitler would be a smash hit. (Never mind that it was. It's that when he sold it to all those little old ladies, he thought there was money to be made despite the failure…)

• Sarah Palin's saying she might join a tiny, non-mainstream political party. If she waits a few months, she could just stay a Republican.

Today (Wednesday), Stu Shostak welcomes his resident TV critics, Steve Beverly and Wesley Hyatt.  Among the topics they'll try to get to (they don't always make it) will be the cancellation of The Arsenio Hall Show after it was originally picked up for its now-not-to-be second season, David Letterman's retirement and who they're going to get to follow Mr. Colbert at 12:30, the Supreme Court's Aereo pending decision, how the "mini digi-networks" (ME-TV, Antenna TV, Bounce, etc.) are really doing viewer-wise, Net Neutrality and the bill just introduced to Congress to ban "Fast Lane Priority" plus much, much more.

Stu's Show can be heard live (almost) every Wednesday at the Stu's Show website and you can listen for free there. Webcasts start at 4 PM Pacific Time, 7 PM Eastern and other times in other climes. They run a minimum of two hours and sometimes go to three or beyond.  Shortly after a show ends, it's available for downloading from the Archives on that site. Downloads are a paltry 99 cents each and you can get four for the price of three.  Do this.

In the meantime: As I've mentioned here Stu's lady friend, the lovely Jeanine Kasun, was hospitalized with a sudden brain aneurysm last November. I visited her in the hospital several times and it was very sad because while she seemed to be recovering in some ways, she still couldn't talk. Well, it turns out that Jeanine has good genes or good doctors or both because she's mending rapidly. Last evening, she even phoned me from her hospital bed…and while her voice is hoarse and still requires much healing, it was just a joy to hear her again at all. That was one of the happiest sounds I've heard in a long while.

Here's a list of 11 Common Words You're Probably Mispronouncing.

I take partial issue with #1 which says that Dr. Seuss pronounced his surname to rhyme with "rejoice." I guess he did at one point but there are plenty of interviews around with him pronouncing it to rhyme with "goose." Here's one with his widow and she pronounces it the way we all say it.

The late/great Larry Gelbart discusses one of his most famous quotes. It's often said that he said it during the tumultous outta-town rewrites of A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum…and maybe he did, also. First time I met him I asked and he wasn't sure but here, he seems to have decided it was said with regard to another, much less successful venture…

I spent yesterday (a) voice-directing The Garfield Show and (b) catching up on sleep I didn't get over the weekend working on the script. The session went well thanks to a superb cast: Frank Welker, Gregg Berger, Wally Wingert, Jason Marsden, Laraine Newman, Candi Milo and Corey Burton. Today, we have all those folks back plus Laura Summer, Jewel Shepard and the legendary Stan Freberg. As I am fond of saying, when you hire the best actors, a rhesus monkey could direct one of these things. Normal blog posting should resume shortly.

Many of you have noted the new headers on this page — not just one but several new drawings of me by a man of mystifying talents. His name is Sergio Aragonés and I'd hoped the new art would go quietly unnoticed for a time but no. (I love the folks who are writing me to ask if I noticed it had changed.) There are more drawings yet to come.

Also to come on this blog: In the next day or three, I hope to post a long piece about the situation by which Bob Kane is credited as the sole creator of Batman while his collaborator Bill Finger is not equally heralded on the strip or the movies or the Hollywood Walk of Fame. I shall mount the best defense I can of Mr. Kane and make a few points in his favor on this. But you'll still conclude, as I did, that it's awful that Finger's name is not there.

Also, I haven't forgotten that I promised more tales of working on Welcome Back, Kotter and witnessing, live and in person, a Battle of the Network Stars. And there's that long essay about the late Al Feldstein I said I'd get around to. And a few other things..

As usual, I will be doing more than a dozen panels at Comic-Con International this year down in lovely San Diego. There will be all the usual ones plus a few new things and I'll post my schedule here as soon as the convention is ready to release the total list.

By the way: Please don't write me about three things. One is getting into the convention. Another is helping you find lodging during the convention. And the third is suggesting programming, especially long after the schedule is locked, which it pretty much was a few weeks ago. You'd be amazed at the number of people who write or call me each year a week or less before the con to ask if some panel they want to do can be added. I don't program that stuff. There are people paid to do that and they have to do it way before the con.

I gotta get to the studio. Back later.

If you need me, I'll be in a recording studio for the next two days, directing voices for The Garfield Show. Try not to need me 'til we're done.

This actually happened the other day. I type these up from memory right after they occur…

HIM: Mr. Evanier, how are you? I'm Darryl with Whatever Construction and I spoke to you about six months ago about some work you wanted done on your house when you were ready for it.

ME: No, we didn't speak six months ago. We've never spoken.

HIM: Oh, yes we did, sir.

ME: Oh, no we didn't, sir.

HIM: Hey, I'm sorry. This is what they tell us to say.

ME: Congratulations. You're the first one in over a hundred of these calls to be honest about it so I'm going to do you a favor. There's no way I'm going to have your company do any work in my house so don't waste any more of your time with me. Go call someone else and see if you can make some money.

HIM: I appreciate that but could I ask you one question?

ME: Sure.

HIM: You don't happen to need any toner for your copier or printer, do you? Because I also make calls for a company that sells that shit.

You know…if I needed toner, I might actually have bought some from the guy.

Steve Rossi, who served as straight man to Marty Allen (and several other comedians) has died at the age of 82 following a long bout with cancer. In his day, he worked with everyone, including Mae West who gave him his first break and who changed his name to Steve Rossi.

I saw Allen and Rossi in one of their very last Vegas engagements. I also sat through a show that Rossi mounted a few years later with himself as headliner and a lot of…uh…unusual acts. I will tell you about them but not now. I'm still on the deadline. I'm also bothered that when I announce I'm too busy to post much, people die and I have to pop back here to post obits. Maybe there's a connection. Anyway, watch for a post about Mr. Rossi later this week.

John Kander and Fred Ebb perform one of the many fine songs they wrote together for Broadway…

Here's a list of 22 Things You Should Never Say to Someone Who Doesn't Drink. I am such a person. Have never had a drink of alcohol — not even beer or wine — and doubt I ever will. A couple of the items on that list seem worthy of sober comment…

4. "I'm going to get you to drink." No, you're not, the same way I'm not going to get you not to drink. People get to make their own decisions, and trying to change mine on alcohol will be a failed endeavor.

I haven't encountered this much since I hit around age 30 but before, I found myself around a number of people who made it their personal mission to get non-participants involved in liquor and/or other mood-changers. Once at a party, the host (one of them) went to get me a 7-Up and, being the suspicious type, I spied and saw him pour something else into the glass. I think that's one of the assholiest things I've ever encountered in my life and I told him so and went home.

By the way: I'm really a non-drinker. I've since quit 7-Up and all carbonated drinks, too.  My body has decided it wants nothing stronger than water and I don't miss other liquids at all.

7. "You must think I'm such a mess." No, I don't think you are such a mess because you are drinking and I'm not.

I never think that drinking alone makes someone a mess but I have been around some people who…well, let's just say that if they weren't drinking and could see how they looked and acted while drinking, they might stop drinking. But that's their choice.

10. "Do you think you're better than us?" Alcohol's a beverage, not a measure of moral superiority (or inferiority). So no, I just don't want to drink.

I've had this exchange. I do not have any moral condemnation of anyone who drinks unless they do something awful because of it.

Many years ago, someone I cared a lot about was killed by a drunk driver. Amazingly, the driver thought he should not be punished because he was drunk at the time and therefore not in any position to be responsible for his action. He tried to claim Temporary Insanity and his lawyer made the offer that his client would plead guilty (or maybe No Contest) to a charge of public drunkenness if the prosecutors would drop this irrelevant stuff about the dead girl.

That, by the way, is not the reason I don't drink. I wasn't the least bit interested in it before that, either. But yeah, I guess I do feel morally superior to someone who lets himself get into a condition where he doesn't know what the hell he's doing and harms others or even, as has been the case with a few friends, themselves. This is a pretty tiny percentage of those who drink.

18. "You must have so much dirt on everyone, watching us sober." Of course, my favorite hobby is to collect blackmail and is the sole reason I don't drink. Actually, I'm not judging. Please stop judging me.

Actually, I do have "dirt" on some people because I was sober and could remember things they said while drinking but I pretend I never heard them. Once in a while though, it's hard to get them out of your mind and I'm afraid a few of them have — shall we say? — colored my view of three or four individuals.

My main gripes relating to the way those who drink deal with those of us who do not are (a) people who assume my not drinking is some criticism of them and (b) people who assume there's nothing I want more than booze. I've had folks mix me a drink, come up and hand it to me on the presumption that everyone must love it as much as they do. Then they get annoyed with me that they made that mistake.

As a person with many food allergies, I also have to cope with the social discomfort of people preparing or giving me food I can't eat. Not being able to eat certain things is not exactly like choosing not to drink but it often gets you to the same clumsy situations. One time, I went over to pick up a date…and I thought I was taking her out to a restaurant of mutual choice. It was my second — and as it turned out, last date with this lady.

She greeted me at the door wearing an apron over other garments and announced, "I have a surprise for you," a phrase I have come to dread when it relates to food or drink. She'd spent all day cooking a meal for the two of us…and there wasn't a single item there that I could eat. Well no, there were carrot sticks but a dish of them is not exactly fine dining.

She'd also mixed a whole pitcher of martinis (I think that's what they were) for us to share despite the fact that I'd told her on our first date that I didn't imbibe. That information somehow does not register with some people. It seems so natural to them, I guess, that they can't grasp that it isn't for everyone. I have that same problem with people who pour me unwanted coffee because, you know, everyone drinks coffee. I don't.

That second date did not go well. She felt stupid or angry or…well, I'm not sure how to describe it. I had somehow made a mess of the evening and caused her to waste the cost of the groceries and a whole day over a hot stove by not being able to eat asparagus. Whatever, it was surely my fault for not being a normal human being. She also got a bit drunk — the nasty kind of drunk — because she downed all the martinis and that further ensured there would be no third date.

I get along fine without drinking alcohol or even coffee. I get along fine without eating the things I shouldn't eat. I'm utterly respectful of your right to control what goes into your body. I just ask that everyone be that respectful of mine and recognize that what's good for you may not be good for me.  Once in an awkward while, people just don't seem able to do that.

Major streets in Los Angeles when they were dirt roads.  Some day, it will all look like this again.  Given the drought, I'm thinking a week from Tuesday…

I've been privileged to meet and know many of the great contributors to my childhood entertainment. One person I can't believe I knew was Bob Clampett, who gave the world Beany & Cecil and who directed many of the very best Warner Brothers cartoons. And you got a bonus if you got to know Bob because you also got to know his kids and his wonderful wife, Sody. They were both very nice to me…which is not a brag on my part because they were very nice to everyone I saw around them.

Sody assisted Bob with a lot of the business end of his work and carried it on after his passing in 1984. I'd occasionally go by and take her to lunch — always at either Musso-Frank's or the Farmers Market, both places where I'd often encountered Bob or the both of them — and I regret that I did not see her more often. She was a bright, lovely woman and she left us yesterday after, I'm told, being in very poor health for some time.  This sounds like one of those "Thank God it's over" deaths but it's still sad to hear about.

My favorite memory of Sody is from one of those evenings when she or Bob would call and say, "We're having people up to the house tonight to watch cartoons and we're going to bring in pizza. Please come." I would always cancel whatever I was doing and race to their lovely home in the hills, not far from the Hollywood sign. There would be between a half-dozen and a dozen folks who represented the "young generation" of the animation field. They'd run 16mm prints of some of Bob's work and he'd discuss it and answer every last question in painstaking detail. Sody would play hostess and serve the pizza which they steadfastly refused to let any of us help pay for.

One evening, they were running "Russian Rhapsody" — one of Bob's best but I'd seen it too many times lately so I wandered out into their balcony to take in the spectacular view and get some air. Sody was out there and I felt I had to apologize that I wasn't in watching Bob's work with the others. She said, "That's all right. I understand."

I told her, "I've seen this film at least fifty times, maybe a hundred. How many times have you seen it?" She thought for a second and said, "A lot. Maybe five hundred times."

I asked her, "Do you still like it?"

She glanced about to make sure Bob couldn't hear and then she told me, very softly, "It's a great cartoon but it loses a little something after the four hundredth viewing."