Monthly Archives: February 2014

The first leg of the race is on for hotel rooms for Comic-Con International and the "early bird" hotels are now accepting reservations. These are hotels that are some distance from the convention center and therefore cheaper than the ones within strolling distance. The good news: You save bucks, plus you can book now and not have to worry. The bad news: Well, apart from the distance, there's the fact that pre-payments are non-refundable and, after April 8, non-transferable. But if you have your badge for the con this year and are sure you're going, you might want to grab some cheaper, albeit far-off lodging. Find out all about it here.

Watching the first Late Night with Seth Meyers reminded me of what I don't like about The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. It's like the executive producer of both, Lorne Michaels, sat each staff down and said, "Now, listen. Our host is a very nice, funny guy but we still have to make sure there isn't one second on his show when he has to improvise and you don't know what he or anyone else on that stage is going to say and do."

This article notes how Fallon's Tonight Show contains less talk than most other talk shows to the point where "variety show" might be a better category for it. The first new Late Night seemed to have a bit more talk but it all felt rehearsed and written. Amy Poehler was very funny to the point where I'll bet some NBC execs thought, "Gee…too bad this can't be Late Night with Seth and Amy." But she was funny in the way she's funny in a sketch where all or most of what she says is on the cue cards.

The Joe Biden interview was exactly what I don't like when so-called talk shows have on a political figure. He knew what they were going to ask. They knew what he was going to say. There wasn't one question about the news or policy or The World We Live In. It was just about the fact that the Vice-President is funny…and funny the way almost anyone would be with that much prep and planning. I don't think elected officials should get this kind of Free Pass to show America how charming they can be with largely-scripted dialogue. (And I'm not suggesting Meyers should have asked him hard-hitting, unexpected questions. That isn't the time or place for that. I'm suggesting they shouldn't have politicians on these programs.)

The big surprise for me with the first new Late Night was the utter lack of surprises. It's like Michaels also said, "And make sure we don't do anything that people haven't seen before on a talk show. I want a typical opening, typical entrance on a typical set, a typical monologue including some typical banter with the bandleader, a typical desk comedy bit, two typical guest spots, then close with a typical musical guest. Oh — and make sure everyone in the studio audience laughs and applauds everything." That last directive probably wasn't necessary because the material was pretty strong…but the audience still sounded like it was composed of Seth Meyers' relatives.

I like Seth — how could anyone not like Seth? — but he does kind of have one way of reading every line he speaks. He never stops smiling…something I guess you can forgive on a first show. The guy's very good at what he does so I'm going to keep watching because Late Night is supposed to be the talk show that brings something new to the form and I'd like to think he will. Maybe he can start with something daring…say, an ad-lib or two.

That's right. It's that time of the year when Evanier goes on and on about the stupid tomato soup he likes. Well, this year I'm going to hold the soup talk down to a minimum. The chain of restaurants known in some areas as Souplantation and in others as Sweet Tomatoes offers a great thing to eat during the month of March. It's their Classic Creamy Tomato Soup. I expect to be devouring many bowls of it beginning March 1 and ending just before April Fool's Day when, like Brigadoon, it disappears into a fog until some other time. If you live near one of these establishments, perhaps you'll join me in a bowl of this soup. And it'll have to be a large one for us both to fit in there. Rimshot!

Two more of those "Happy Birthday" songs by Mel Blanc. If you were born in September, you're under the sign of Bugs Bunny and wherever you go in life, it's always Wabbit Season. If you were born in October, your birthsign character is Hippity Hopper, the boxing kangaroo, and it's your destiny to always be mistaken for a giant mouse. This is the only place I know of when Mel (or anyone) was required to provide him with a voice…

Southern California folks: As I mentioned here, Jerry Lewis is appearing live at the La Mirada Theatre for the Performing Arts — two shows on Saturday, March 15. I'm not going but if you're contemplating it, know that Goldstar is selling tickets for half-price.

David Weigel discusses why Piers Morgan didn't click with his show on CNN. I don't disagree with what he says but I think it's simpler than that: People just didn't like the guy. Morgan wasn't funny, he wasn't charming, he wasn't interesting, he wasn't anything. At times, he tried to be abrasive but he didn't even do that well. There are abrasive intervewers who create compelling theater and there are those who are just abrasive to no good end. The few times I watched him, I couldn't even root for the man when he was on my side of an issue.

Weigel alludes to the possibility that Jay Leno might be offered that slot by linking to an article about what a terrible interviewer of politicians Jay is. I agree he's bad at it, though I don't think any of the others are much better. The format — short interviews in the context of a comedy show — isn't conducive to anyone giving a politician the kind of grilling they should all receive. Letterman looks like the best of the bunch because he occasionally gets in a solid question and calls b.s. on a glib non-answer. But Dave also never strikes me as well-versed enough in current events to do that for very long. Frankly, I think these shows should not be having political guests on at all. They all (even Dave's) seem more interested in a politician being funny than anything else.

In any case, I don't think Leno will be offered it, I don't think he'd take it…and if he did, he'd do a very different kind of show, one that would represent CNN trying to go in a different direction. I mentioned Jake Tapper for the Piers Morgan time slot but I don't expect that to happen. Tell you who I would like but he may not be well enough or available. I remember some times when Bob Costas filled in for Larry King and he was terrific. He could handle guests who were politicians, guests who were entertainers and guests who were sports stars. That's the kind of guy they need and they're not easy to find.

For those who live in or around Santa Monica, California: The Aero Theater will be running It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World on Sunday evening, March 30, at 7:30 PM. It's their Sid Caesar tribute and special guests, the website says, will be announced later. I have, of course, been touting the new DVD/Blu-ray set from Criterion, which comes complete with a commentary track on which I'm heard…but if you haven't seen this film in a theater on a big screen with an audience — or haven't done so in a long time — that's even better. And by the way…did you know that in France, the girls wear scanties but on lamb chops, they put panties? Without a doubt…

Let's take a break from mind-numbing Beatles medleys and have a look at what was more or less the last real appearance of The Marx Brothers. It's "The Incredible Jewel Robbery," an episode of the anthology series, General Electric Theater, which aired on March 8, 1959. It's a silent episode starring Harpo and Chico Marx but — I'm going to ruin the ending for you — Groucho drops by at the end and delivers the one line of dialogue in the show.

I ruined it for you because you probably won't want to sit through the whole thing but you might want to zip ahead to 22:37 to see the last scene. The witness trying to identify the criminals is played by veteran character actor Benny Rubin…

It's being reported that Piers Morgan is leaving his CNN show and I'm seeing a flurry of assumptions and speculations that Jay Leno will wind up in that slot. I have not been good lately at predicting what Mr. Leno would so…but then, neither have some of his closest associates. One of them told me a few months ago that Jay was quite open to the idea of another late night talk show (he apparently is not); that he would not close the door on that possibility (he has); and that Jay would not make any announcement about his future until after he'd done his last Tonight Show (he did).

This person also told me that Leno blames Jeff Zucker — former head guy at NBC, now at CNN — for the whole mess with Conan and would never go to CNN as long as he was there. Is this person right about this? I dunno…but with or without Zucker in the mix, I'm thinking we will not see Leno hosting a new program on CNN. The audience isn't there and the budgets aren't there. If Jay did want to do an hour a week, there are places he could go and do much better in both those categories. I mean if, as he said, any other late night show would be a step down from The Tonight Show, imagine what a series on CNN would be.

Jay does seem to want to transition to the role of Elder Statesman of Comedy. I don't see how a CNN show gets him there. Also, doing a live show on Friday nights would cut into his beloved stand-up gigs. I just don't see him being interested.

The guy CNN oughta put in that time slot is Jake Tapper…which is probably the main reason they won't. Hey, maybe Keith Olbermann is available. They could have him host a show then and they could put a little countdown clock in the corner, ticking off the minutes until he quits or is fired. Or they could just install Ryan Seacrest as host. Eventually, he'll host everything so why not get this one out of the way now?

My buddy Joe Brancatelli tells us why there's a shortage of airline pilots in this country these days. It couldn't possibly have anything to do with the airlines paying lousy wages, could it?

• Bill Kristol was on ABC this AM lamenting that Obama doesn't have the most important quality a president needs: An eagerness for war.

The essays I write here about my parents and my childhood are by no means meant to suggest I had a difficult or unhappy upbringing. I had one of the best childhoods of anyone I ever knew. In fact, you may not see too many more of these pieces because I've dredged up darn near every fight or problem I can think of, those being the most entertaining tales to tell.

My parents were great. So were my aunts and uncles, though they were a bit quirkier and more colorful. My grandparents on my father's side both died before I was born. I believe they both did this deliberately just so I wouldn't know them and therefore couldn't write about them on the Internet.

My Grandmother on my mother's side was born in 1900 and came darned close to spanning the century. She made it to 97.

At the age of 16, she married but that had presumably ended by 1920 because that's when she married again. This time it was to a rather tall man and she then gave birth to my mother…in 1922. She never discussed the prior marriage with my mother who assumed, as you might, that her mother was then on her first marriage. The genes of the tall man, by the way, may be the reason I am 6'3".

He died in 1931 when my mother was nine. My grandmother married for the final time in 1935 and they were happy together until this spouse passed away in 1984 at the age of 88. We used to tell people that my grandmother was married for 49 years to her second husband…and we were wrong.

After Grandma passed away at 97 in '97, my mother and I flew back to Connecticut for the burial. When we went to the church to arrange for the services, an official showed us a draft of the headstone for our approval and owing to church records, it listed all three husbands. That's how my mother found out that her father was her mother's second husband…and that my grandmother had actually been married for 49 years to her third one.

But I'm getting way ahead of the story here…

Grandma was a lovely woman without a hint of selfishness or meanness in her body. I cannot imagine her ever raising her voice or speaking ill of another human being. If someone were to accurately portray her in a movie, you would think it was pure fiction; that no one could be as nice as that person. Grandma was, at least when I knew her. My mother once said, "When she was raising me, she wasn't quite like that." Still, Grandma and the man I knew as Grandpa were a very happy couple for those 49 years.

My mother took me back to see them when I was a year old and then again when I was seven. Thereafter, they'd come out to California every three or four years for a week or two each time.

In 1970 when I was eighteen, I made my first trip east since age seven and my first ever in a plane without my mother. (My father had bad memories of his life in Connecticut and after he moved out to California in 1950, never went back, not even for a brief visit.) I was at that point getting involved with the comic book industry and the expedition that year involved visiting the DC and Marvel offices in New York and attending that year's big comic convention there…but I took one day to make a quick bus trip up to Hartford to see my grandparents.

Grandma was waiting for me at the station when I got off the bus and she spent about the first five minutes hugging me. Then we walked a few blocks to a restaurant where Grandpa was going to meet us for lunch. He worked in the shipping and receiving department, as he had for most of his life, at G. Fox & Co., a famous department store founded in Hartford in 1847. That is not a typo. I had a good turkey sandwich, a scoop of mediocre potato salad and several glasses of milk. (I have since learned not to drink milk and not to order potato salad unless I'm in a delicatessen.)

If it seems odd that I remember what I ate close to 44 years later…okay, it's odd but I recall every detail of that day. We talked — which mostly consisted of them getting me to tell them everything I could about myself and how I was doing. I was a working professional writer making a decent living, and that just amazed them because the last time they'd seen me, I was in high school. They seemed to have figured out and were impressed by the fact that Mark had turned into an adult. Not all my relatives would so readily grasp that fact or be that impressed.

Finally, Grandpa had to scurry back to work so I said goodbye to him. We had about two hours before my bus back to Manhattan would be departing so Grandma and I got in a cab and we went to her home in East Hartford, the home my mother had grown up in. I had been to that house when I was seven but not since. In the intervening years, I had gotten much larger and it, of course, had gotten much smaller.

The home had a tiny front porch and on it were a large, decorative rocking chair and a small wooden chair that I think had come from some otherwise-discarded dining room set. Grandma wanted us to sit out there and talk so I tried to take the wooden chair and give her the rocker. "No, no," she said. "You have to sit in the rocking chair." When I attempted to decline, she said, "Ever since you wrote that you were coming, all I could think of is how wonderful it would be for the two of us to sit out here on the porch and just take it easy and talk. And as I thought about it, I thought about you in the rocking chair and I thought how wonderful it would be to see you in that rocking chair."

So I sat in the rocking chair. She knitted. I rocked and told her stories and all I could think of was that I'd turned into Sheriff Andy Taylor. I almost addressed her as Aunt Bee.

When it got to be time to head for the bus station, I tried to get her to let me go alone but she wouldn't hear of it. Wouldn't let me pay the cab driver, either. Just before I got on the bus, she was hugging me and crying. I asked her why she was crying and she said, "Because I might never see you again."

I told her that wasn't so; that she and Grandpa were coming out to Los Angeles again the following summer. She said, "Well, that's the plan but you never know. After all, I'm 70 and he's 74."

"I'll see you next year," I told her…and I did. And many times thereafter for the next 27 years. She came out two more times with Grandpa. Then after he passed, she came out three or four more times and repeatedly declined our offers to move her out to stay. "My life is in Hartford," she'd say. "My home is in Hartford." Sometimes when I had to go to New York on business, I'd triangulate my trip. From L.A., I'd fly to New York and do what I had to do there. Then I'd fly to Hartford, hire a car and driver for the day (that so impressed and delighted her) and go see Grandma and take her out to lunch. Then I'd have the driver take me back to the airport and I'd fly home.

Around the time she hit 89, a friend of hers called to tell my mother that Grandma was having trouble with day-to-day activities. We called her doctor who agreed it was time she stopped living all alone in that house. He recommended an assisted living facility in Manchester, which was about six miles from her home. It was a beautiful, well-managed place, he said, and several of her friends were now living there. Then my mother and I jointly phoned Grandma and lovingly broached the subject.

She was not horrified at the notion. In fact, she seemed to be glad someone had suggested it because she wasn't in much control of her life. "I can barely get around this house," she said. We arranged for a family friend to take her to Manchester the next day for a tour. She loved the place and she loved seeing several of her friends. The evening after the tour, she said, "I would like to live there the rest of my life."

The perfect solution? Well, it would have been if the facility in Manchester had had room for her. The next day when I called to try and arrange her admission, I was told, "I'm afraid we're full-up at the moment and we have a waiting list."

I asked, "Well, how long might it be before you have a place for my grandmother?"

The woman said, "Well, I can't be certain…you know, you're asking us to guess when the people staying here might pass away. But we seem to have an opening about every four months."

I said, "I see. Now, if my grandmother went on your wait list for those rooms, where would she be on that list?"

"Let's see…she'd be one…two…then I have these six…then…" Finally, she said, "Number thirteen."

"Thirteen?" I probably sounded like Shaggy on Scooby Doo with my voice cracking.

"You're not superstitious, are you?"

I said, "Usually not…but if you only have three or so openings a year…and my grandmother is close to ninety…she can't wait four years to get in there."

"Well," the woman said. "It might not be quite that long. People on the wait list sometimes pass away —"

"I'm sure they do," I interrupted. "I don't want my grandmother to be one of them."

"I'm sorry but this establishment is very popular. All the same reasons you have for wanting her to be here…other people have those reasons, as well."

I thanked her for the information and ended the call. Then I sat here for a few minutes and thought — again, like someone in a cartoon show or about half the movies that have ever been made — "There's got to be way to get her in there."

And as it turned out, there was. But you're not going to hear what it was until next time. Please imagine the voice of Don LaFontaine in your head as I tell you to join us here in the next week or so for more (cue the echo:) Tales of My Grandmother!!!

Beatles expert Shelly Goldstein says this is the Beatles medley you want to watch. It's Cher, Tina Turner, Kate Smith and Tim Conway — and it's groovy, baby…

Here's a rather silly article in the New York Daily News which treats it as a breathless inside scoop that David Letterman would like to have Jay Leno in his show. As you read this, there are things to remember…

First off, it's the New York Daily News. They don't exactly have a great track record with stories that can't be verified. Secondly, it's not exactly a secret that Letterman would like to have Leno on. According to Bill Carter's book on the Leno/Conan mess, Dave's producers tried to book Jay to compete with Conan's first night but Jay refused. And there have been all those stories lately about Dave calling Jay to begin a slow hatchet-burying process.

And, uh, why wouldn't Dave want to have Jay on? It would get killer ratings. It might counteract Dave's image (to some) as a cranky whiner. And it's not like Dave couldn't stand to be in the same room with Jay. He invited him to do that Super Bowl commercial a few years back. Then there's this…

Now, new kid on the block Fallon's ratings are making Letterman's staff shake. In his first week, Fallon's viewership was twice that of Letterman. "The audience will definitely shrink down to a more normal size in a few weeks, especially after the Olympics are over" and the Fallon Tonight loses its new show smell, one TV insider says.

That can't be making anyone at Letterman's show quake. They all know the power of the Olympics…and also that some new shows do well for a while. Pat Sajak did great against Johnny Carson for about three weeks. Everyone knows that.

Wanna know what's up with the Ukraine? Fred Kaplan explains it all.