The top 50 Fast Food chains in America are, in terms of sales…
McDonald's, Subway, Starbucks, Wendy's, Burger King, Taco Bell, Dunkin' Donuts, Pizza Hut, Chick-fil-A, KFC, Panera Bread, Sonic Drive-In, Domino's Pizza, Jack in the Box, Arby's, Chipotle Mexican Grill, Papa John's, Dairy Queen, Popeye's Louisiana Kitchen, Hardee's, Panda Express, Little Caesars, Whataburger, Carl's Jr., Jimmy John's, Five Guys Burgers & Fries, Zaxby's, Church's Chicken, Bojangles', Steak 'n Shake, Culver's, Quiznos, Papa Murphy's, Long John Silver's, Checkers/Rally's, White Castle, Del Taco, Qdoba Mexican Grill, Jason's Deli, Krispy Kreme, El Pollo Loco, Boston Market, Tim Hortons, In-N-Out Burger, Baskin-Robbins, CiCi's Pizza, Captain D's, Moe's Southwest Grill, Wingstop and Jamba Juice.
Owing to a sparsity of outlets in places where I wander and/or an aversion to Mexican food, I've never patronized 23 of these chains. Matter of fact, I've never even heard of six of them. Here's where I've never eaten…
Taco Bell, Dunkin' Donuts, Panera Bread, Sonic Drive-In, Chipotle Mexican Grill, Hardee's, Whataburger, Jimmy John's, Zaxby's, Church's Chicken, Bojangles', Culver's, Papa Murphy's, Long John Silver's, Checkers/Rally's, Qdoba Mexican Grill, Jason's Deli, Tim Hortons, CiCi's Pizza, Captain D's, Moe's Southwest Grill, Wingstop and Jamba Juice.
I thought it might be interesting to briefly (very briefly) discuss the ones I have patronized. Let's be clear I'm discussing Fast Food joints as Fast Food joints, not as places one expects to compete with real restaurants. On the other hand, I've been to real restaurants — including some that were famous and/or expensive — where I enjoyed the cuisine less than a burger at Five Guys or the turkey dinner at Boston Market. Here are the first three stops in our journey…
You know, McDonald's is still pretty good for the kind of place it is, especially if you avoid any item with a "Mc" in its name. I usually order the Quarter-Pounder without cheese. I don't like cheese on burgers and since it stopped being a regular menu item, that confuses the hell out of some order-takers. They look at me like I'm asking for an ice cream cone without any ice cream or something. I once had a girl ask, only half-kiddingly, if they could even do that and they often don't know how to ring this up on the order-taking machine. The disadvantage of ordering a Quarter-Pounder without cheese is that it takes a while since they have to make it up fresh. The advantage is that they make it up fresh. Any McDonald's burger is amazingly better if you can scarf it down within three minutes of its coming off the grill.
So I get one of them and a small fries…or once in a while when I'm in an airport and it's breakfast time, I go for a Sausage Biscuit with Egg. I like them because they defy the law — and I believe it's now a felony — that says a breakfast sandwich must have cheese on it. I don't like cheese on breakfast sandwiches, either. Given how few in this country don't come with it, I gather I'm among about eleven Americans who feel that way. (Here are some other tips about eating at McDonald's. If you like their breakfast sandwiches, pay attention to the one about the "round egg.")
McDonald's and Subway have both saved my life a few times when I've been somewhere and had a desperate need to find and eat something in fifteen minutes. No, neither has great cuisine but when you have as many food allergies as I do, you appreciate a place where the food is predictable; where you're not going to order a sandwich and find out that they mix monkey gizzards into the egg salad or something. Also, neither chain serves cole slaw and that's always a plus. The thing I like about Subway is the same thing a lot of people don't like about them: They're ubiquitous. Wherever you are, there's one within a matter of steps. In strange cities, I've been known to go up to hotel employees and ask, "Where's the nearest Subway sandwich place?" in the exact same delivery I use for "Where's the nearest Men's Room?" The answer is usually about the same length of distance.
At a Subway, I usually get the Meatball Marinara with provolone cheese, toasted — and much to the disappointment/disbelief of the sandwich-maker, nothing else on it. They stare at me in disbelief: No oil? No shredded lettuce? No sprouts? Nope. As it moves down the assembly line, I have to tell each person, "It's done. Wrap it up. Don't put anything else on it!" Some of them look like they're about to cry; like if there were more customers like me, half of them would lose even those jobs. One even asked me once, almost pleadingly, "Not even a little salt?" When I'm not in the mood for meatballs, I ask them how fresh the tuna salad is. If they don't respond with a previous day of the week, it's pretty good on their Italian bread. With nothing else on it. Not even a little salt.
I don't drink coffee. Never developed a taste for the stuff and though my parents drank it, its aroma never somehow became a comforting childhood memory for me. So the one time I was ever in Starbucks was when I had a story meeting at The Disney Channel and the person I was meeting with said she had — simply had, the way a Diabetic has to have insulin — to have a quadruple Frappuccino with extra caffeine or some such drink. Whatever it was, she dragged me downstairs to the lobby and we had our meeting in a Starbucks there. I had a very bad hot chocolate which was neither hot nor chocolate. She had this drink that looked, in size and severity, like something a Bond villain would dangle you over to make you talk.
As we went through the story, I thought she was getting more and more excited about it. Turned out, it was just the extra caffeine kicking in and the next day, when it wore off, she passed on the project. I should have asked that we have all our meetings at Starbucks and then whenever she liked something, I'd say, "Great! Hey, why don't you use your cell phone to call Business Affairs and get them to start drawing up the contract?" Other than that, I've had no use for Starbucks except it's a great topic for jokes. Hey, the other day I found an old shoebox in my closet and wouldn't you know? They'd opened a Starbucks in it! I gather what my coffee-drinking friends like about it is the same thing I like about Subway. "Where's the Starbucks?" "Oh, it's next to the Subway sandwich place!"
I'll do more of these in the next few days.