My Liberace Story

Liberace is hot again, thanks to that new HBO movie which, were he not already dead, would have killed him. Never did a man go to such lengths to look and act gay on stage but become so outraged and litigious when anyone suggested he might be any less straight than Duke Wayne offstage. I hope the film doesn't dwell so much on his sex life that his showmanship goes unmentioned. Lots of people out there play the piano as well or better but no one else was ever so colorful and good at grabbing the audience's attention.

This feels like a good time to tell my Liberace story. Yes, I have one. I was never in the same room with the man, not even with him on a stage and me in the audience but we did have a phone conversation I will never forget. Let me take you back to that day…

It was somewhere around 1979. I was in the office of a TV producer and it will become relevant to the story that this producer was gay. Very gay. Or maybe I should say very obviously gay. If one believed the gossip, he was also very prolific in his gayness. Years later, another writer who worked for the guy would suggest that at his funeral, they'll play, "It's Raining Men."

I was talking with this producer and for some reason, he mentioned that Liberace was a very good friend of his. I told him that I'd always found Liberace interesting…and that some day, after he was gone, someone could make a great bio-pic about the guy. I did not have the whole Scott Thorson relationship in mind because it was not then public knowledge, nor were the details of any of the entertainer's relationships. I was thinking of his rise to fame and all the struggles and I added, "Of course, they'd have to tell the story about Liberace and the cleaning fluid."

The producer said, "What's that about Liberace and cleaning fluid?"

I said, "You're a friend of his and you don't know about Liberace and the cleaning fluid?" The producer shook his head. He knew nothing of Liberace and cleaning fluid. I proceeded to tell him about his friend Liberace and the cleaning fluid…

The day John F. Kennedy was murdered, Liberace was playing a hotel in Pennsylvania. He was, like most of America, shocked and grief-stricken and depressed…and he decided to cancel his show for the evening.  He so informed his staff, including his dresser, and they all went off to drink or watch the news or stare off into space or anything else people did that day. Then the hotel owner threatened a lawsuit if there was no performance that evening.

Liberace agreed to go on and tried to round up his staff.  He found all but his dresser who, alas, had the only key to wherever they were storing Liberace's outfits.  Thus, there was no fresh, sparkly outfit for the star to wear on stage for the commanded performance. There was, however, the outfit he'd worn the previous night…though there were a few stains on it. No problem, Liberace thought. He went out and bought a big bottle of dry cleaning fluid, took it back to his hotel and cleaned the stains off. Then, tired, he decided to lie down and take a nap. The open bottle of dry cleaning fluid and the just-cleaned garments were on a table by the bed. As he slept, he inhaled their fumes and pretty much destroyed his kidneys.

An hour or two later, he awoke, deathly ill. He didn't know at first what it was but an ambulance was called and soon, he was in an emergency room where doctors declared he was a goner. He was given the last rites and told to get his affairs in order…which he did over the next day or two by ordering expensive gifts for all his friends, effectively giving away much of his fortune.

The press reported Liberace was near death but it didn't get much attention. It was, after all, the day Kennedy was killed…so the story of Liberace's near-certain death ran in newspapers on page G-39 when it ran at all. One or two newspapers even reported that he'd died.  But of course he didn't die. He defied all the doctors' predictions and eventually walked out of that hospital and back to even greater stardom. His story (and I think a few lawsuits) had much to do with the fact that such chemicals now carry warning labels and are handled with much more care.

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So I finished telling the producer the story about Liberace and the cleaning fluid. He was astonished — that it happened and that he'd never heard that about his good friend. On an impulse, he shouted to his secretary, "Get me Liberace on the phone!" — which still strikes me as just about the most show-businessy thing anyone ever said in my presence. Moments later, his secretary buzzed to announce, "Liberace on Line Two," and the producer picked up the phone and said, "Lee?"

They chatted briefly and then the producer said, "I'm sitting here with a wonderful young man named Mark Evanier who's writing the show we're doing now. He's a tremendous fan of yours. You might call him an expert on your career." This was all a tremendous exaggeration.  "He just told me the most amazing story about you and some cleaning fluid."

Liberace was astonished  and impressed. The producer put the call on the speakerphone in time for me to hear, "— barely reported by anyone. I can't believe your young man knows about that." He then proceeded to tell the whole story and it was very melodramatic — sad in ways, uplifting in others.  He was just finishing it as the producer was called out of his office on a matter.

He told Liberace, "Lee, I have to duck out for a moment to put out a fire. Here, I'll let you talk to Mark directly." Then he switched off the speakerphone and I picked up the call as he did indeed duck out.

Liberace said to me, "I'm so impressed that you knew about the cleaning fluid. I guess you are a real fan of mine."

I wasn't really but I said, "Well, you've sure got a lot of them." Which was true. I was never particularly among their order but I didn't mention that part.

"Tell me," he said. "Do you ever get to Las Vegas? I live there, you know. And I play 40 weeks a year at Caesars Palace." I told him I was in Vegas every few months and he said, "Well, next time you know you're coming, you must come to see my show. I'll arrange for you to be comped and to get a seat in the front row. My personal guest."

"That would be very nice," I said.

"Oh, and you absolutely must come backstage so I can meet you in person. You sound like a very nice young man and if you're working for our friend, you must be a superb writer."

You didn't have to be Tolstoy to work for this producer.  You didn't even have to be Jacqueline Susann…but I said, "Thanks…and of course, I'd be honored to meet you after the show."

"Great. I'll give you my assistant's number and when you're going to be in town, you call and we'll set it up. Oh, and you know, if you're a fan of mine, I ought to have you out to the house. You can see my collection of pianos, my jewels, my cars. I just bought one of the rarest models of Rolls Royce in the world…oh and you being an expert on me, I'm sure you know about my swimming pool shaped like a piano."

It was all sounding like it would consume more of my life than I wanted to devote to Liberace.  In fact, the call may have already exceeded that limit…but I said, "Sounds fascinating." He asked me where I stayed in Vegas and I told him, "Usually at the Frontier."

"Oh, that place is such a dump," he moaned. "Listen, why don't you just stay with me? You'll have plenty of time to get to know me and we could take a Jacuzzi together and —"

And I didn't hear what came next because a thought suddenly blasted its way into my brain. It went something like this…

"Liberace is hitting on me."

Maybe I should have realized it sooner but I'd never had a man hit on me. In '79, I'd never even had a woman hit on me. And I'm not sure I've ever heard of anyone of any sexual preference seriously hit on anyone without seeing them, though I suppose it happens. Obviously, the fact that the very gay producer had introduced me as a "wonderful young man," coupled with my alleged interest in Liberace, had led Mr. Candelabra to an erroneous assumption.

As I got my attention back to the conversation, I heard him mentioning something about massages and playing a private concert just for me. I decided I had to end this quickly so I said, "Mr. Liberace, this all sounds wonderful…"

"Lee. Call me Lee, please. All my friends do."

"Okay, Lee. Well, this all sounds wonderful. Would it be all right if I brought my girl friend along?"

"Your what?"

"My girl friend. Oh, you'll like her. Hey, did you ever work with Spike Jones?"

"Uh, yes…"

"Well, she's his niece. She's an actress. She's on The Young and the Restless. Okay if I bring her along?"

Liberace said, "Yeah, sure. Well, call my assistant and oh — I'm sorry. I have to run. My other line is ringing." And he hung up without giving me the assistant's name or number, not that I would ever need that information.

About then, the producer walked back in and caught me chuckling. He asked, "Did he invite you for a Jacuzzi?" I nodded yes and he added, "I would have gone just to see if he wears the sequins into the tub."

What Happens in Murderville Slays in Murderville…

One of the most talented cartoonists I know — and believe me, I know a lot of talented cartoonists — is Carol Lay. I've known Carol since the mid-seventies and gave her some of her first jobs in the field. This was back when she worked on other folks' characters and concepts. A few years later, she started working (mostly) on her own characters and concepts, including the delightful strip Story Minute, which was syndicated for many years and which is now being collected in books I'll be plugging here soon.

But right now is not the time to talk about what she has done. Let's talk about what she's doing now! She's running a Kickstarter to fund her newest creation, Murderville. What's it all about? Why should you back it? Well, you should back it because you'll get a great comic book out of it and she's just the kind of creator who deserves backing. As for what it's all about, here: I'll let Carol tell you (and even sing to you) about it…

VIDEO MISSING

As I mentioned, I don't like plugging friends' Kickstarters — or rather, I don't like being asked. So I've made a new rule: If you ask, the answer is no. But each month, I'll promote one I think is worthy. Jeremy Kirby's book about his grandpa was the May plug. Carol's is the June plug but it's so good and so worthy, I'm putting it up here a week early Go read about it. Watch the video. Then pledge to back it because, come on, it's Carol Lay. How could this not be wonderful?

It's All About me

Two weeks ago today, I experienced the worst pain I'd ever had in my life — worse even than the time I wandered into that Fran Drescher impressionist Karaoke competition. I was supposed to drive up to Santa Barbara with the fiercely-talented Laraine Newman to address a bunch of college students who are considering careers in show business. (I planned to just point at Laraine and say, "If you're not at least half as good as this person, don't bother trying.") An hour or so before departure time, I was in the shower when my right knee, which had been giving me trouble for several days, suddenly went all Tonya Harding on me. I cancelled S.B. and gritted my molars in agony until my doctor injected said knee with cortisone. The person who invented this drug is the greatest human being in the history of mankind.

The knee hasn't really hurt since the cortisone kicked in a day later but something is still not right with it. Today, an MRI revealed that I have a complex tear of the medial meniscus with a radial component in the mid zone, and a horizontal component in the posterior horn. The midzone is subluxed medially out of the joint and I also have a separate radial tear of the midzone of the lateral meniscus.

Well, I don't have to tell any of you what that means — especially about the midzone being subluxed medially out of joint. In a couple of weeks, they're going to do a surgical procedure and correct all this…and it doesn't sound like that big a deal. If it is, please don't write and tell me that.

I should be fine and up to all that walking by the Comic-Con International…where as of this moment, I am moderating fifteen panels. They'll include all the old faves plus some new faves. Yes, Sergio Aragonés will be at the con and participating in Quick Draw! along with Scott Shaw! — and wait'll you hear who we have as our Guest Artist this year. If I were you, I'd get in line now. Details to follow.

Voter Fraud Fraud

Josh Marshall on Voter Fraud…and how it doesn't really exist, at least in the sense of someone going to a precinct and voting twice or voting when they weren't who they said they were. I do think it happens when, for example, a state "accidentally" purges thousands of names from their roster. But national voter I.D. cards (or some other ideas proposed to stop this supposed epidemic of people voting illegally) take us into the realm of cures for which there is no known disease. Significant numbers of people do not go around voting twice.

I could have voted twice in this week's run-off election to pick the Mayor of Los Angeles. As it happens, I didn't even vote once. I had no preference for one candidate over another and I don't think the person in the mayor's job here ever makes much difference. But let's say I believed passionately that electing Eric Garcetti would end life as we know it in Southern California and unleash pestilence and disease so everything depended on Wendy Greuel beating him. I could have cast my ballot for her and I could also have marked the absentee ballot that was sent to my late mother and forwarded to my address.

But why? Why would I want to risk going to jail so that Wendy Greuel would lose by 26,497 votes instead of 26,498? If I could have somehow cast 40,000 votes then, well, maybe. But elections of this size are never decided by a few votes. If I'm going to chance doing hard time, it would be nice to get something out of it.

Today's Video Link

Mark Cohen has a great new book out on Allan Sherman. I'll be posting a long rave here shortly but if you don't want to wait for that, you can order it here. And Marc has also been posting some Allan Sherman rarities online. This is not one of Mr. Sherman's better efforts — an early Porgy & Bess parody from back when he thought his audience was exclusively Jewish and would laugh at anything that mentioned The Catskills, shmaltz herring or the garment district. But it's an interesting curio of Sherman's development and it's short…

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Phone-A-Friend

I just spent a half-hour of my life hopelessly lost in the automated phone system for one of my doctors. Calls there always commence with announcing the name of the office and then telling us…

  • If you know the four-digit code for the party you are trying to reach, you may enter it at any time.

And since you don't know the four-digit code and if you do, it's not the right one, you stay on the line and soon you hear various options, starting with this one which now seems mandatory if you phone any business more medical than the aspirin aisle at a Ralphs market…

  • If you think you may have a life-threatening medical emergency, hang up and dial 911.

Okay, fine. I guess. But then it was like…

  • If this is another doctor calling, press 1.
  • If this is a pharmacy calling, please fax the prescription to us at 323-555-2398 and we will respond within 24 hours.
  • If this is a pharmacy calling with a question about a prescription, press 2.
  • If this is an insurance company calling with a billing inquiry, please call Ernesto in our accounting department at 323-555-2399.
  • If you are a new patient and would like to set up your first appointment, please have your insurance information available and press 3.
  • If you are an existing patient and wish to schedule or change an appointment, press 4.
  • If you are a marsupial and are experiencing an unusually long gestation period, press 5.

All right, I made that last one up. But the ones before it are real and it doesn't matter which option you pick because once you press any key, what you get is a list of names…

  • To reach the office of Dr. Shmendrake, press 1. To reach the office of Dr. Vinnieboombatz, press 2. To reach the office of Dr. Mai Eyes, press 3. To reach the office of Dr. Hackenbush, press 4…

And then it doesn't matter which of those you select because every option takes you to…

  • We're sorry. You have reached a voice mailbox which has not been set up. Please call back later. Goodbye.

Apart from the marsupial option, that's what I went through for a half-hour today trying to move an appointment from 3:00 to 2:30. If they had had the marsupial option, I would have pressed it and been told, "Sorry, your species has poor brain communication between the right and left hemispheres." Like I don't already know that.

What I've learned with these systems is that if you just keep hitting "O" for Operator, you usually will reach a human being at some point. I got one, she put me on hold for 10 minutes, then came back on the line and moved my appointment. Total time I saved by moving the appointment: 30 minutes. Total time it took me to save it: 40 minutes. Oh, well. At least this system saves them from having to hire one more minimum-wage employee to route calls.

By the way: I love that phrase, "existing customer." There were moments there when I want to shout at the recorded voice lady, "If it always takes this long to get to a doctor, I won't be existing much longer." I don't care if Obamacare saves millions of lives and billions of dollars. I just want it to fix the phone systems.  And the Death Panels should go after the lady who did that recording.

Yesterday's Tweeting

  • I think destructive weather is God's way of showing he doesn't like the ending on Celebrity Apprentice. 08:02:47
  • Donald Rumsfeld comes out against gay marriage; says if we stop it, we'll be greeted as liberators. 14:46:33

Go See It!

Here's another one of those great photos from the set of The Dick Van Dyke Show. Thanks for the tip-off, Bill Lentz!

The Play's the Thing

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I'm a little hesitant to plug any Kickstarter projects. I think this is the third or fourth one I've recommended and each time, I then get fifty requests to promote others. I may just limit myself to one per month or one every other month or something, just so I can say to people, "Gee, I'd love to give you a shout-out but I plugged a Kickstarter two weeks ago and I have this rule…" Making a rule is a great way to avoid saying "no" to people.

Anyway, I do have to mention that Jeremy Kirby, grandson of the great Jack Kirby, has a Kickstarter that no fan of Jack's will want to miss. It's a book that will feature rare artwork of Jack's, rarer photos and — rarest of all — the complete text of a play Jack wrote. Jack wrote a couple of plays, including at least one with Joe Simon, that as far as I know were never produced. Both Joe and Jack were interested in the theater and they both lost some money investing in the 1952 Broadway revival of Shuffle Along, a musical featuring the songs of (and presence onstage of) the great Eubie Blake. It opened at the Broadway Theater on May 8, 1952 and had an exciting run that lasted all the way until May 10, 1952. Jack called it a play that was seen by very few people who didn't have money or relatives in it.

Jeremy's going to publish the entirety of a play Jack wrote called The Frog Prince. What's it about? Is it any good? I dunno but nothing Jack ever did wasn't interesting or worth the time it took you to read it, plus there are all these great photos and drawings. Go check out Jeremy's Kickstarter and get in on this.

Today's Video Link

Hey, did you see the new episode of American Masters on PBS? The one about Mel Brooks? Well, if you didn't, here it is…

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About halfway through, you'll see an ad for Young Frankenstein which sounds like it was narrated by Mel — and it may have been. But I'm not sure that's not Walker Edmiston. Walker, who alas is no longer with us, was a great voice actor who often came in and dubbed other performers. He did a lot of lines for Orson Welles in Start the Revolution Without Me, for instance. He did an uncanny Mel Brooks imitation. It was so good that in a recording session once with Mel's old compatriot, Howard Morris, I had Walker do it over the talkback and Howie thought it was Mel. Anyway, Walker did a series of radio promos for Young Frankenstein that had to be produced while Mel was out of the country. Everyone thought it was Mel but it was Walker…and I'm not sure that promo isn't Walker.

And speaking of Howie Morris: When you get to the scene from Get Smart with the Cone of Silence, that's Howie's voice on the intercom. He directed that episode, which was the pilot for the series.

Yesterday's Tweeting

  • Conspiracy guy Alex Jones says the gov't can "create and steer groups of tornadoes." I'll believe that when they send one after Alex Jones. 15:55:15
  • Wonder if I can start a Kickstarter to raise money so I can donate to other Kickstarters. 15:56:19

Freeway Jelly

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Here's my favorite news headline of the week.  In case you didn't hear about this, a big rig truck carrying 35,000 pounds of grapes crashed across the center divider of the 210 out in Monrovia.

I was a little disappointed to read that the truck did not open up in the crash and the grapes did not all spill out onto the freeway.  I had a mental image of them sending Lucy Ricardo out to stomp them all into juice.

Famous Funny Folks

In the past here, we've complained that the Mark Twain Award — the one given out by Kennedy Center for contributing to American comedy — has sometimes gone to people with rather short track records, thereby ignoring deserving folks with longer ones. Whatever the worthiness is of Will Ferrell, Ellen DeGeneres and Tina Fey, it oughta continue for another decade or three…and if it doesn't, then maybe they weren't as deserving as they seemed when they were selected before Sid Caesar, Stan Freberg, Shelley Berman, Don Rickles, Mort Sahl, Robert Klein, Mel Brooks, Woody Allen, David Letterman, Tim Conway, Dan Aykroyd, Jerry Lewis, Jon Stewart, Dick Van Dyke and a whole buncha producers and authors.

The last time I made up such a list here, Carol Burnett's name was on it but now they've announced that she'll be the recipient of the next one, which will be presented in October. Good choice. Let's hope it's not a "token older person" and that next year's will go to someone who'll have a hit sitcom or movie between now and then.

Helping Out

Just wanted to remind you about our pet charity here at newsfromme.com.  If you feel the need/desire to donate to help the unfortunate folks in Oklahoma, there are many fine charities that will do good things for your money.  But I doubt any of them will do more good with it than Operation USA, which spends none of it on fancy offices or outsized executive salaries and such.  They spend darn near all of it on people who need clothing, food, a place to live, first aid, etc. — and they're good at getting there fast with it.

Years ago, I was being pelted with worthy causes asking for donations and I decided to just pick one and send all my "giving" money there. A friend of mine was (and still is) on the Board of Operation USA but that's not why I picked it. I picked it because I asked around and found out they were real good at what they do. And that's what those people in Oklahoma need right now: Money and people who are very good at what they do.

Today's Video Link

The Muppets of Sesame Street tell you how to watch a movie…