Monthly Archives: May 2012

Someone reading this can explain this to me. If it isn't you, it'll be Joe Brancatelli…

Years ago when I flew into most airports, I'd pick up my suitcase at Baggage Claim and then there'd be a guard or some sort of airport employee there who'd be checking tags. I would have to show a baggage claim check to get out of there with my luggage.

I don't think I've been asked for that in over ten years at any airport. Now, I just pick up what I claim is my bag and I leave with it and no one cares.

So…what's changed? I can only think of the following options…

1. Airports realized that it was never really necessary to check the tags.
2. It was necessary at one point but suddenly, people became either more honest or more adept at recognizing their own suitcases that it wasn't necessary any longer.
3. There is and always has been cases of people taking luggage that wasn't theirs but the airports all decided that checking tags really wasn't diminishing it enough to justify the expense of those tag-checkers.

The last time my suitcase got lost (lost, not stolen) I asked a fellow who was working in the finding-your-baggage department at Southwest Airlines and he didn't know for sure. He just shrugged and speculated, "I guess they figure if someone wants to steal your suitcase badly enough, they're going to do it," which didn't strike me as much of an answer.

I'm also curious as to which is the greater problem: Dishonest people intentionally walking off with your suitcase or honest people who take your bag thinking it's theirs. I always had the feeling the tag-checkers were stopping more of the latter than the former. So have folks become better at not taking the wrong piece of Samsonite? Or more honest or what?

My trip last week put me in four different airports in four days. I ate nothing at my home airport but at each of the others, I had a slice of pizza. I have no idea why I did this because airport pizza is always terrible. How…terrible…is…it? The following is not a joke: The best pizza I ever had at an airport was Pizza Hut.

At Memphis Airport, I had but a few moments to grab a bite of something before boarding the second leg of my flight to Indianapolis. A place called Vito's Italian Deli was near Gate A7 which I'd be going through in a matter of minutes so I gave it a try. I was perhaps attracted to the name. The best pizza I've had in Los Angeles is at a place called Vito's (obviously no relation) over on La Cienega. I like it so much I named the Italian chef on The Garfield Show Vito. Anyway, the Vito in Memphis is undeserving of the name. Even Garfield wouldn't eat his pie.

I had some time to kill at Indianapolis Airport for the trip home but in the area where I set up my laptop to work until boarding time, there were three eating options: A McDonald's, a Chinese place and a pizzeria called Giorgio's. I wasn't in a Mickey D's mood and the food in the steam table at the Chinese stand looked like it had been there since my previous trip to Indianapolis in 2010. The pizza at Giorgio's looked good but tasted like matzo covered in catsup and Cheez Wiz. Maybe for Passover…

On the way back to L.A., I had to change planes in Minneapolis without much time to eat and board. Near the gate on Concourse G was Taste of Tagliare, which looked like Sbarro Done Right. It turned out to be Sbarro Done Same. I ate about a third of a slice before it went into the trash. Awful, awful pizza.

So here's what I don't understand: Why? Why is airport pizza so far below the standard we'd expect from a pizzeria not in an airport? Thousands of pizzerias across the nation master the skill of making good pizza. Why do none of them set up the same assembly line at an airport? Or if they do, why do they serve a product they would never serve outside the airport? I understand being able to stay in business with rotten pizza when your potential customers only have the option of you or Burger King. I don't understand not trying for something better than being the least bad alternative.

I keep seeing people wearing this shirt. It's a plain black t-shirt but they've printed a little fake name badge on the pocket area. And on the name badge, it says: "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

Every time I see one, I laugh. But I also have three thoughts…

1. That, of course, is a famous line from the book and movie, The Princess Bride, both written by William Goldman. Do we think the company putting these out made any sort of deal to compensate Mr. Goldman for the use of his words?
2. What the hell do people think who see this shirt but aren't familiar with The Princess Bride? And finally…
3. Wouldn't it be cheaper and funnier just to make your own version of this shirt? You probably have a black Sharpie around. You can buy a package of those labels for two bucks in the CVS Pharmacy near me and, I would imagine, other places. Then you can stick the label on whatever you want to wear. It would be a lot funnier on the kind of clothing you'd likely wear to the kind of event where people walk around with name badges. That usually doesn't mean a black t-shirt.

That's all I'm thinking…and note that I'm concerned that Mr. Goldman is not being paid but at the same time, I'm suggesting a way to further exploit him without paying him. So maybe if you do walk around with one of those stickers on, you could buy one or two of his books to put some coins in his pocket. You'd probably enjoy them as most of them are very good.