Recommended Reading

One of many things that are wrong in our national political dialogue is that there seems to be no penalty for being utterly and spectacularly wrong. If your doctor was usually incorrect in his diagnoses, you'd go find another doctor and at some point, he or she might do damage that would cost them their license to practice medicine. But if you're on TV or in a prominent newspaper and you're often incorrect, people still listen to you.

Jim Newell runs down some of the more notable examples of folks who fearlessly (and sometimes with great conviction) predicted that someone other than Mitt Romney would get the Republican nomination. It will do zero harm to their reputations or employment.

Everything Turns Up on eBay!

Here's something you won't want to buy.  A dealer on eBay is selling a copy of my high school yearbook.  What's more, he's making a fuss about it being mine, even though I think there are several (now) more famous students in there.

No, I won't be bidding.  I have one…filled with autographs from my classmates.  About every ten years, I flip through it…and while I have fond memories of certain friends, I really didn't like high school.  I had long since decided what I wanted to do with my life.  I think I knew when I was ten.  From that moment on, I was acutely aware of how irrelevant most of what I was learning in school was to what I wanted to do.  The most valuable class I took there or in junior high was probably Typing.

But I had to take a lot of other stuff that has never mattered.  For instance, I had to learn how to balance a Redox Equation in Chemistry…something I managed to do without ever quite learning what a Redox Equation was or why they had to be balanced.  What's more, I learned what I learned in "Final Exam Mode," which means that after you commit it to paper for the final exam, it's instantly and forever erased from your head…like someone picked up the film on one of those Magic Slates we all had when I was eight.  (The analogy today would be to flushing the Recycle Bin icon on your desktop.)

So I couldn't wait to get out of high school and I only look back to remind myself that the Good Ol' Days weren't all that good and things got better as soon as I put them behind me.  A week after graduation, I made my first real sale as a professional writer — a real sale meaning I submitted something to a stranger and he bought it and paid me real money. That was the moment I decided the preface was over and my life was finally beginning.

The seller of my yearbook notes that there is but one photo of me in there. This is because I was a notorious non-participant in high school. I wasn't interested in inside-the-classroom activities, let alone outside-the-classroom endeavors. I did briefly let myself get drafted into serving in Student Government, a silly faux-democratic organization that tried to act like the United States Government…which is to say it got nothing done. I sat there for several long meetings while representatives debated a proposal to raise money to buy paint and then to solicit volunteers to come to the campus some weekend and paint all the trashcans.

I got so annoyed with the process that I introduced a proposal to abolish Student Government. I insisted I was not kidding and that I expected my proposal to be voted upon with the same seriousness as the one about painting the trashcans. A student who served as President sighed and granted my demand, and this led to several more meetings and much debate before we came to the conclusion that Student Government did not have the power to abolish Student Government. I'm not even sure we had the power to paint the trashcans but anyway, that's when I got out.

The seller notes "Mark's listed in the Speech Club Photo but looks like he was a No Show." I think that's because I never signed up for the Speech Club and didn't know until I got the yearbook that I was considered a member. I'm not even sure I knew there was a Speech Club before that.

Anyway, I thought I'd tell you the story of the one contribution I made to this yearbook. I didn't work on its staff but I had a good relationship with an art teacher named Mr. Nikirk who supervised its assembly. Mr. Nikirk had wanted to be a professional cartoonist at some past point in his life and we talked often about that profession and how hard it was (he said) to break into it.

He got into a certain amount of trouble over this yearbook because costs got out of hand. When it went off to press, the printing company began sending back little notes that certain things would incur extra charges — this would cost more or that would cost more, etc. The final damages came to around $500 more than expected and while Mr. Nikirk wasn't on the hook for that money — the school was and would have to take it out of something else — he had a lot of administrative-type people mad at him. One of his extravagances had been to have an aerial photo taken of the campus — a photo that, as you can see in the pic below, ran as the endpapers in the book.

When I got my copy of the yearbook, I noticed something. I was far from the first person on campus to see the yearbook but I was the first person to point this out. I went to Mr. Nikirk and knowing of his overcharge problem, I suggested he demand at least a bill reduction from the printers. "For what?" he asked. I told him, "For printing the big aerial photo backwards."

He grabbed the book I was holding out of my mitts and stared at the endpapers. With his finger, he tried to trace the route from the Teachers' Parking Lot to his classroom. It would not trace.

Sure enough: The photo was flipped over, printed mirror-image. East was West and West was East.

He dashed to the nearest phone, which was in the Teacher's Lounge. I tagged along to eavesdrop (with his permission) as he called the printers and told them of the error. They replied that it was his fault as he'd approved the proofs they'd sent over of the book. And he had…but there was a look of pure triumph on his face as he reminded them that the proofs had not included the endpapers. They, therefore, were responsible.

Over the next day or three, much arguing ensued along with threats of non-payment and legal action. The school finally told the printer that they were going to have the students all turn in their yearbooks and the lot of them would be shipped back. Uni High was rejecting the print job and it expected the books to be reprinted with the endpapers corrected. The printers, who stood to lose many thousands of dollars if they had to do that, offered to knock $1000 off the bill if the school would accept the books "as is." The school agreed…and that's how my high school yearbook not only didn't lose money but actually turned a nice profit.

It's also how we wound up with an apt metaphor in its endpapers. That school really was a backward place to get an education.

Today's Video Link

I'm going to post another story about Dick Clark tomorrow or the next day but in the meantime, here's a short clip from one of his Pyramid shows that will show you another side of him. Dick was a very serious guy but every so often…

This one was sent to me by Craig Shemin, a very fine writer who does a lot of work for Muppet projects and I believe he's involved with things the Jim Henson family does to preserve the man's memory and legacy. I highly recommend Craig's new blog which already has some mighty good reading on it with more, I'm sure, to come. And while you're at it, follow him on Twitter. Thanks, Craig.

My Tweets from Yesterday

  • They're saying Newt's about to get out of the presidential race. Oh, and he was doing so well… 23:42:24
  • Too bad Elliot Spitzer never ran for president. He and the Secret Service would have gotten along just fine. 23:46:21
  • Just made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich without peanut butter or jelly. I think some people call this "two slices of bread." 23:47:20

Warm Feelings

My view on Climate Change is pretty simple but it still baffles some people. I hope the deniers are right. I want to believe that it's as much of a hoax or myth as they say…but I don't see that they have any significant amount of science on their side or anything resembling proof. It's just about all on the side that says our weather is changing — and not for better — and that humans have a lot to do with it. That's where almost all the real meteorologists come down and where all the scholarly study leads…and the deniers are left with things like, "How could there possibly be Global Warming when it was cold enough to snow last Tuesday?"

This is not a 50/50 argument, at least if you're counting people who know something about our climate. It's more like 98/2 with the "2" being those who don't believe in Climate Change. They remind me of this guy who writes me from time to time to tell me that actor Dave Coulier sometimes filled in as the voice of Garfield on the TV series, Garfield and Friends. I used to write him back and tell him that wasn't true and I knew that because I directed the voices on that show and I never hired or directed Mr. Coulier.

My correspondent would write back that he had a source (one he never named) that said Dave Coulier had filled in…so at worst, it's an Open Question. One source said yes, one source said no. The two sides cancel each other out or make it a "push" or something. Never mind that one source might actually be in a position to know for certain.

In the case of the Climate Change debate, the consequences are so severe if so many scientists are correct that even if it were a 50-50 chance, we should take action as if it's a certainty. I mean, if one person told you your house was on fire and another person told you it wasn't, you wouldn't sit there and say, "Well, someone else says the 'house on fire' guy is wrong, I guess I can ignore him." Especially if the guy yelling "Fire!" was the Fire Chief.

Here's an interview with climatologist Heidi Cullen on this very topic. I hope she's wrong but I don't think we can afford to take that chance.

Following Up…

I have many messages this morning arguing whether that's Zeppo playing Groucho in the Animal Crackers clip. This may well be one of those "we'll never know for sure" things and no one writing me seems to have anything more to go on except whether they think it sounds like Groucho or not. My view is, like I said, I think it's Zeppo but it wouldn't shock me if it was Groucho.

Buzz Dixon makes an interesting point to me in an e-mail. The transition on American Bandstand from kids dancing like they did when not on TV to kids performing for the camera may not have had that much to do with music videos. The kids on Bandstand probably picked that up from watching the teens who danced on Soul Train.

Dick Clark had what I guess was a mixed reaction to that syndicated series. You know how people will say something as a joke but you get the feeling the joke reflects something they really feel but don't want to admit? Dick would joke that Don Cornelius (host/creator of Soul Train) "stole everything from me including my initials." Dick didn't think he really owned the idea of a teen dance party show but he thought they were all sold by somebody saying, "Hey, let's imitate Dick Clark's show." I don't think what he was really sore at the imitators for, as he saw it, ripping him off. I think he was sore at himself for not thinking to market a black version of Bandstand before Soul Train came along.

One of the projects I did with Dick was a short-lived series for ABC that was kinda like Laugh-In but without the success. It was called The Half-Hour Comedy Hour, not to be confused with a couple of other shows with similar names…or the same one. Dick was the producer but he kept turning up in sketches, including one where Arsenio Hall played Don Cornelius. In it, Dick came on at the end and hit "Don" with a pie…and I recall him enjoying that a lot. An awful lot.

Also From the E-Mailbag…

My friend Frank Buxton writes…

In 1963 I was the host of a daytime game show on ABC called Get The Message. Goodson-Todman had sold ABC on the idea of three back-to-back half-hour game shows to air in the morning Monday-to-Friday. I hosted the first half-hour, Dick Clark was the host of the show that occupied the second half-hour and Bill Cullen, the old reliable, hosted the third half-hour. I don't remember the names or formats of the other two but Get the Message was a pastiche of every game show Goodson-Todman had ever done, mostly Password. They lasted three cycles, 39 weeks.

As you mentioned, Clark would fly in and tape his week's worth of shows in two days and then fly back to L.A. I taped my week's worth of shows in two days, too, but I had a small apartment in New York ("The mice were hunchbacked.") and a lovely home in Northern New Hampshire. I never envied Dick his trip back to L.A. because my heart was in New Hampshire. At the same time I was hosting Discovery so I was visible on ABC many times a week and able to pay the rent and the mortgage.

Sidebar – Not mentioned in the references to American Bandstand was that in 1962 Discovery debuted, running every afternoon Monday through Friday, taking over the second half hour of American Bandstand on the network. I'm sure that Dick objected and I know that some Bandstand fans were unhappy but Discovery ran for nine years, which is not a bad run. I believe that a lot of the reasoning behind cutting Bandstand to a half-hour and airing Discovery had to do with pressure being brought to bear by the FCC for "better programs," whatever that meant.

Another sidebar – Just about everyone in our business has been fired, some of us several times. I was "replaced" as host of Get The Message in its last few weeks, ostensibly because I was not "that familiar a personality to the woman watching at home" and they needed someone who was. So I was replaced by Robert Q. Lewis. It's a story I relish telling but it depends upon knowing who Robert Q. Lewis was. The differences between us were extraordinary.

Yes…the people you worked with, Frank, liked you.

I believe the show Dick Clark hosted as part of that block was Missing Links and the one hosted by Bill Cullen was The Price is Right, which had gone on before the other two and which outlasted them.

As I understand it, Dick Clark taped a lot more than a week's worth of The $10,000 Pyramid when he flew back to New York for a weekend. I hear different tales and perhaps it changed over the years…but I think at one point he'd do ten episodes on Saturday, then five more on Sunday. So…three weeks of shows in a day and a half. I wonder how many hosts could do that at all, let alone not be loopy by the last shows of the first day.

I was a big Discovery fan but never quite got the appeal of Bandstand so I didn't mind the displacement. We had a fellow out in L.A. named Lloyd Thaxton who did a similar, local show (similar to Bandstand) and did it much better…in part because it was local. He talked about events in Los Angeles and places in Los Angeles and the kids who danced on the show were from local schools. And Thaxton got into the spirit of fun, doing lip-sync routines and donning costumes. Dick Clark, even when he was a young man, always came across like an adult with a slightly patronizing attitude towards the teenagers who danced on his show and a "don't muss my hair" arrogance. But I liked him on other things.

I remember an interesting comment he made once to me about how Bandstand had evolved. He said that before around 1980, the kids who came on to dance would — for the most part — just dance the way they danced at parties. After music videos came into being and especially after MTV went on in '81, almost all the kids danced for the camera and some came on with elaborate, practiced routines. That's when I really thought it seemed phony.

From the E-Mailbag…

Justin Mory writes…

Regarding facts the late actor Robert Heyges had reported wrong on his website about the Marx Brothers you wrote that Chico and Groucho never exchanged roles when performing on Broadway. But what I'm wondering is if it's true that Zeppo understudied Groucho's roles and filled-in when need arose? I'm thinking specifically of a scene in the movie version of Animal Crackers that, legend has it, has Zeppo performing as Groucho. Is it in fact Zeppo, and did he ever have occasion to impersonate Chico or Harpo?

When the Marx Brothers were on stage, Zeppo understudied all his brothers. He couldn't play the piano like Chico and he couldn't play the harp like Harpo but he apparently could provide a reasonable facsimile of everything else his three performing brothers did. So if one of them was out, Zeppo went on in his place and a member of the chorus filled in for Zeppo. It is said that after Groucho missed an entire week of one play due to illness, he watched at least one performance with Zeppo from out front and remarked, "Well, it looks like I'm not needed." Whether Zeppo was that good or Groucho was just being nice to his brother is open to speculation.

Regarding this scene in the film of Animal Crackers

Legend has it that's Zeppo playing Groucho's role in the scene where the lights are dim. Is it? I wouldn't be shocked to find out it was the real thing but I've long assumed that yes, that's Zeppo. The voice is just far enough off Groucho's to make that believable.

A bit less believable is the way it's reported, which is that Groucho was ill one day so Zeppo stepped into the job. That's possible but it is quite a coincidence that Groucho should be out the day they had to film a scene in the dark. We'll probably never know for sure but I suspect Groucho was off in his dressing room reading a book when this was shot. I'm thinking it was just an inside joke to deploy Zeppo in the one scene in the movie where he could have pulled off an undetectable impersonation. If Groucho had been too sick to work that day, they probably would have shut down the company until he was better.

There was however a less arguable example of Groucho impersonation a few years later when the Brothers were working for MGM. They were about to go on the road with a touring show to test some of the comedy scenes in Go West, the next film they were to film. Publicity photos were needed and Groucho was for some reason unavailable…so Irving Brecher, who wrote Go West, climbed into a Groucho suit and posed with Chico and Harpo. Apparently, no one noticed that Groucho had somehow gotten 24 years younger. Too bad Frank Ferrante wasn't around in those days…

Recommended Reading

Frank Rich previews what may be the big story of the upcoming presidential election: How much money some rich old white guys are willing to spend to oust Barack Obama. And some of them really don't care if they're buying ad time to spread lies.

My Tweets from Yesterday

  • Today's potatoes are from the Driscoll Brothers Farm in American Falls, ID. I hear the Driscoll boys raise a mean spud. 21:30:52
  • Just learned the joy that occurs when you order your fries at Five Guys and ask for them "well done." @Five_Guys 23:04:37

Today's Video Link

It's been way too long since we brought you an episode of The Cheap Show, the world's most appropriately named program. My pal Michael "Mickey" Paraskevas did a mess of these for a local cable channel on the east coast and I think the budget for each was around fourteen dollars. But if you're clever, you can do a lot for fourteen dollars.

To learn more about The Cheap Show, visit its website. That is, after you watch this chilling installment…

Recommended Reading

Michael Kinsley on the notion that Americans resent Mitt Romney's wealth or anyone's.

Obviously, it is possible (and understandable) to be jealous of folks richer than you are or will ever be. But I don't think most people are and when you're talking about resenting the bank account of someone running for President of the United States, there is this thought: If you couldn't run your life well enough to attain some kind of wealth, are you the guy to put in charge of as much of our economy as the President controls?

I do think though there's a greater resentment of folks whose money came from stock manipulation as opposed to building something. If you got rich starting a successful product…okay, we get that. You made something. What's more, you made something that provided employment opportunities for others, your success contributed to the greater good.

On the other hand, if you'd amassed the same moola by buying and rolling over stock in that company, or perhaps by stripping it of its assets and moving production to Taiwan…well, that's different. You didn't make anything except deals. Not every rich person is a Job Creator. And with a lot of them, you can't really explain what they did to become zillionaires except move money around on a chessboard at the right time, possibly due to insider information.

Romney inherited megabucks from his father who made it in the automotive industry. I don't think anyone resented George Romney's wealth. You could explain what he did: He took over a failing car company and reversed its fortunes. But there is an understandable resentment of folks who inherit riches, as well as a belief that someone like Mitt had a leg up and a tremendous advantage when he set out to make money on his own. He did most of it through investments and management consulting. Those are both honorable and dishonorable endeavors depending on how you do them…but harder to explain and therefore easier to resent.

From the E-Mailbag…

Bennett Wong writes…

I read with great interest your account of Groucho's visit to the set of Welcome Back, Kotter. I see that Robert Hegyes, who played Epstein on the series and who passed away recently, told the story on his website but his account differed in many details. Would you care to comment?

Sure. As politely as I can, I'll state that I stand behind my version and I'll wager that others who were there that night will back me up. Bobby Hegyes was a great guy and a fine performer but he got this one wrong, especially the part where he has Groucho insisting he wants to do the scene.

Elsewhere on his site, writing about the Marxes, Bobby said that Chico and Groucho sometimes exchanged roles when performing on Broadway. Not so. He also says that Zeppo was named because he used Zippo lighters. The first Zippo lighter came out in 1933 and Zeppo had been Zeppo for more than a decade by then, including in the first few Marx Brothers movies. Zeppo told several different versions of how his name was coined but that was not among them.