Monthly Archives: January 2012

I've occasionally mentioned my food allergies on this site and each mention brings e-mails from kindred spirits who've related their own social-type problems in this area. It's amazing how many people have trouble with the concept that some folks simply cannot eat certain things without harming themselves. I had a lady friend once who loved asparagus and wanted badly to cook it for me despite my repeated explanations that it could well put me in a hospital somewhere. She'd listen to that, nod as if she utterly understood then say, "Well, what if I put a sauce on the asparagus?

Sometimes, it helps to invoke rat poison analogies. Someone will say, "I can prepare the pecan pie so it doesn't taste anything like pecans." I often reply, "Supposing someone wanted to serve you rat poison but they said, 'Don't worry…I can prepare it so it doesn't taste anything like rat poison."

Or a well-meaning friend will try to serve you a dessert that's sprinkled with coconut. You explain as politely as possible that you're allergic to coconut. They say, "Well, just pick the coconut off…or I can do it for you." You have to say, "If someone came to you with a dessert covered with rat poison, would you just pick the rat poison off and eat the dessert?" There actually are times when I feel I can remove or eat around the offending ingredient but there are times when a little voice within me says not to take the risk. When I don't listen to that voice, I have almost always regretted it.

Actually, if you get medical about it, most of what I have are not food allergies but food intolerances. There is a difference but I learned that if I tried to make that distinction, it confused people even more. So I just say "food allergies" for both and that makes life simpler…but only a little.

Both can create vast social problems along with the health ones. I have occasionally found myself in a group at a restaurant where there was literally nothing on the menu I thought I could or should eat. You would be amazed how uncomfortable some friends can make you in that situation. Some treat you like you're making trouble in order to ruin their evening. Others feel that now they're not allowed to eat and enjoy themselves. The worst is probably when they make a huge fuss on your behalf and start scolding waiters and the restaurant management, and that makes everyone uncomfy. I accept the fact that there are just going to be times when the available food doesn't correspond to what I can eat. I would usually prefer to sit there and go hungry for the time being than to have people declare a national emergency around me or act like an alien dines among them.

It was worse when I was younger and in less control of where I ate. Today, if the whole gang's going out for lunch, I can usually speak up in time to genially steer the expedition away from the Indian or Mexican restaurant. I've had especially bad luck in the Mexican ones. I've probably gone through the menus of fifty of them without seeing an entree I could eat without serious modification…and it's sometimes difficult to get things altered to my specifications. One day years ago, I was among a bunch of TV people who lunched at Acapulco, a popular Mexican eatery then across the street from NBC in Burbank. The one item they had that seemed like it might be edible to me was the hamburger…but only if they omitted the guacamole.

That was how I ordered it…and I've learned over the years to be explicit about it. I'll say, "I'd like a hamburger with nothing on it. Just meat and bun and nothing else." I asked for it that way but when it came, there was guacamole aplenty. In fact, I think the chef had interpreted "no guacamole" to mean "extra guacamole." You'd be amazed how often that happens.

I sent the burger back and it was returned to me a few minutes later with most (not all) of the guacamole scraped off. The patty was still a lovely shade of green and when I explained that wouldn't do, the server gave me a sigh that implied I was just doing this to make his life harder. He went off to have them cook me another and I sat there, not eating while all my friends did. Every so often, one of them would offer me part of their tostada which I couldn't eat or part of their burrito which I couldn't eat. Finally, about the time everyone was ready to leave, my new burger arrived…lovingly slathered with guacamole. They told me the chef applied it out of "force of habit."

Some of this is my fault. There are times when everyone else wants to go for Thai food. Since I want to be with my friends and since I occasionally have gotten something edible in a Thai place, I decide not to play Bad Guy and try to hijack the party to where I'll feel safer. I have to learn to decline. Forced to appear at a luncheon where the cuisine seems dubious, I'll sometimes opt to dine before I get there and to tell everyone I had a late breakfast and can't eat a thing. I need to think that way more often. The Internet has helped a lot, enabling me to check out the menu of most restaurants before I commit to dine within.