Mitt Romney has figured out the foolproof way to win the Republican presidential nomination. Early next week, he will announce that he's poured millions of dollars into a research firm that has finally perfected a working time machine. If elected president, Romney vows, he will not only undo every law, executive order and action that Barack Obama has instituted — including unkilling Osama Bin Laden and dozens of other terrorist leaders — but Romney promises to travel back in time and somehow change things so that Obama will never have been elected in the first place.
My staff did extensive polling of the G.O.P. base," the former governor of Massachusetts told reporters in an informal chat Monday afternoon. "We wanted to determine what they most wanted so that whatever it was, I could insist that's what I've always been about. It turns out they don't want to believe they live in a country that would ever elect someone who wasn't a white ultra-conservative…so I'm going to give them what they want. Elect me and you'll wake up one morning and never know Barack Obama ever existed.
We've already tested it once," he added. "Just see if you can find anyone who remembers the guy who was James Bond between Pierce Brosnan and Daniel Craig."
Asked by reporters what else he might do with his time machine, Romney replied, "Well, there is the little matter of about eight thousand speeches of mine I wish I'd never given. And I may also arrange for Jay Leno to have never had that show he did at 10:00!"