So I'm in a Ralphs Market a week or so ago, just before 2 AM. 2 AM is when markets out here have to stop selling alcohol…a curfew which has never affected my life since I've never purchased or even tasted such beverages. I'm in line with my little shopping cart full of buns and cat food and canned soup and peanut butter and Thomas's English Muffins. By the way, Thomas's English Muffins are great with peanut butter on them…but you probably know that.
Only one checkout counter is open at this hour and I'm third in line. Fifth in line is a guy with spiked blue hair and about a half-dozen facial piercings. He is probably just old enough to buy the large quantities of liquor he has in his cart…and it's 1:59 AM. Realizing that there's more than one minute of ringing-up and bagging ahead of him, he yells to the checker, "Hey, I'll be able to buy these, right?"
She says, "No, not unless I ring them up before 2 AM."
He asks with more volume than necessary, "Can you open another checkout aisle?"
She says, "I'm the only one here who's allowed to run a register. Sorry."
The fellow winces in visible pain and agony. "Well, I was here before 2. How am I supposed to do this? I'm not leaving without what I came in to buy."
She says, "Well, maybe these people will let you go ahead of them."
Now remember: He is #5 in the line. I am #3. The checker is almost done ringing up #1 but it still has to be bagged and paid-for. Customer-in-line #4, having heard the exchange, waves the fellow to go on ahead…I also allow him to pass me…
Customer-in-line #2 is an older man who reminds me of Johnny Carson's back-up bandleader, Tommy Newsom. He has placed on the conveyor belt a bottle of water, a container of Ibuprofen, a dozen eggs and a bag of Doritos. He says no.
The pierced gent doesn't believe what he's hearing. "What do you mean, no?"
"Just what I said. No. You may not go ahead of me." My iPhone say it's 1:59 and as we all know, iPhones (like Big Clocks) are never wrong. I hear the following exchange…and throughout, I'm also hearing the sound of the countdown in the Fort Knox scene in Goldfinger ticking down…
"What's your problem, man?"
"Problem? I don't have any problem. You're the one with the problem. I'm going to be able to make my purchases with no problem."
"Hey, they [meaning the other customer and me] let me go ahead."
"That's very nice of them."
"But you aren't going to be that nice."
"It sure looks that way."
At this point, the booze-buyer begins cussing and calling Tommy Newsom names, none of them flattering. Then he puts his bottles on the conveyor belt ahead of Tommy's items and tries to force his way ahead of the man, shoving him aside. I say, "Whoa. If you're going to be like that, I rescind my invitation to go ahead of me." Customer #5 says, "Me, too."
The checker, who has finished with Customer #1 and sent him on his way, tells the pierced fellow, "I'm sorry. If they won't let you go ahead, I can't ring you up out of sequence." Then she glances at her watch, picks up the phone by the cash register and says into it, so it's heard throughout the store, "Attention, customers. It is now 2 AM so we can accept no further purchase of alcoholic beverages."
The pierced guy looks stunned. "You're not going to let me buy these?"
She says, "I'm sorry, sir. It's the law."
"But I was here before 2 AM. It's not my fault there were people ahead of me."
The checker says — and I suspect she may be fibbing about this but maybe not — "The scanner will not even allow me to ring up your purchases after 2 AM. It recognizes the price codes and locks out these items so the store can't be accused of violating the law."
For a second there, I think he's going to just grab up the big bottle of Wild Turkey and run out. Instead, he just tells everyone what we can do to ourselves and storms from the store. There is a moment of awkward tension which is broken by me asking, "What's the cut-off time to buy Thomas's English Muffins?"
Everyone laughs and the checker moves the bottles of liquor over to the adjoining counter to get them out of the way. Customer #4 turns to Customer #2 and asks, "Why didn't you just let him go through?"
Tommy Newsom answers, "I would have but he didn't ask and he didn't say 'please.'"