Like a traffic accident you know you shouldn't look at but you can't help yourself…
This weekend's MDA Telethon sans Jerry Lewis continues to intrigue. A few days ago, I was told on the condition I not post it here about a planned pre-tape of Jerry singing "You'll Never Walk Alone." I think it was originally to be done this evening, then it got moved to tomorrow evening…and now it's being reported that it's off. The idea was that Jerry would come in with a huge orchestra and record his song and perhaps a few words, and then it would run at the conclusion of Sunday's telecast. Now his spokesperson is saying he ain't gonna be there and he never committed to being there.
Obviously, the idea here was the MDA Telethon wanted to neutralize all the bad press by having him on…but didn't want to put him on live with a live microphone because God Knows What He'd Say. When I heard about it, some friends and I batted it around, wondering why Jerry would agree to such a thing — and now his people are saying he didn't. But musicians were booked and the MDA people must have had some reason to believe he'd show…like he said, "Set it up and I'll see how I feel that evening." Or something.
There's a certain tragedy about it all and I don't mean just damage to the ego or rep of Mr. Jerry Lewis. The MDA organization does a lot of good with the money it receives every year but the whole business model for telethons (not just theirs) has largely collapsed. They're not cost effective in terms of the hours they consume and the expense of staging them. Even with Jerry aboard, they could not have put together one of those 20+ hour extravaganzas this year. Not enough stations will air such a thing. Unless someone does one as a nostalgic stunt some day, we may never see that kind of all-night pledge fest again…but the MDA folks were hoping that they could raise enough funds with a stripped-down, six-hour version. They probably can't; not with so many people unhappy about Jerry's ouster. I don't know exactly what the controversy will do to corporate donations — which are what the telethon is really about — but I doubt it's good.
How will this all play out? I have no idea and doubt anyone does but I'm finding it hard not to invent possible scenarios…
Jerry lives in Vegas and his spokesperson has not yet said he won't be in town on Sunday. He could easily cut off the hope that he'll make an appearance by finding some reason to go to New York (or even to San Diego where I think he still keeps his boat) on Sunday and announcing that's where he'll be. So maybe he's fantasizing that the telethon will be a disaster for the first hour or so…no one calling to pledge, lotsa folks calling to say they're not donating because of what was done to Jerry. And at some point, the telethon organizers call him, or maybe he calls them, and he says, "Give me the last two hours live and I'll save your asses." And they throw out all the planned acts and film pieces and rehearsed bits for the last two hours and let Jerry just go in and do whatever he wants.
It's not going to happen but wouldn't it be great television?
His spokesperson says Jerry will have no statement until after the telethon. Maybe he'll hold a press conference and take note of the total amount of money pledged, declare it woefully insufficient and then say something like this: "I derive no personal satisfaction from this because it means My Kids will suffer. Wheelchairs will not be purchased. Therapy sessions will be cut back. Research will be curtailed. I can't allow that to happen so I'm going to raise the money they didn't." And he'll announce a phone number and a website address and maybe another telethon in a month or two…or something to drum up the X million that the telethon, he'll say, should have grossed.
It's probably not going to happen but wouldn't it be great television?
I have others, too. One fascinating thing about predicting Jerry Lewis is that he's so unpredictable. You can roughly guess what some people are going to do because you can understand their self-interests. Jerry has been known to act against his and also to operate on sheer impulse and emotion. He blurts out outrageous statements that a wiser, cooler person would have the reserve to not say. This has long been part of his appeal but it's also a lot of the reason he ain't going to be on the telethon this weekend.
Or will he? I'm betting no but I'm also not putting real money on it. What I'd like to see is this: Penn & Teller are doing a spot on the telethon. I'm not sure if it's live or a pre-tape but let's say it's live. They do their metal detector routine and the way that one works is that at the end, a female assistant pops up out of nowhere, appearing magically. When they do it on the telethon, Jerry pops up. He waves to everyone, walks out of the studio, gets in his car and goes home. So it's like: "There! He was on the telethon!" And then the ghost of Dean Martin walks out and sings a chorus of "Ain't That a Kick in the Head" with Tony Orlando. I'm going to set my TiVo just in case that happens.