More rumors of Jerry Lewis appearing on the telethon.
You know, there's a way everyone could come out of this smelling like tulips. I don't know what the goal is this year but let's say it's $65 million. The day before, Jerry makes some sort of appearance somewhere that's calculated to get on the news. He says, "No, I'm not appearing on the telethon." And then he says, "Listen, it's more important than me or the folks running the telethon or any of that crap. What matters is raising money to help my kids…
"I'm still in touch with some wonderful people in the MDA organization including some of the top research people. I'm frustrated that I couldn't go in and raise the money like I always do. They're telling me they need more than ever this year…what they could do if they had seventy or even, God willing, seventy-five million…the good that money could do…"
And then in seeming impulse, he says, "Hey, I'll tell you what. Tell them…tell the world that if they can raise $75 million by the fifth hour, I'll show up. I live in Vegas. I'll be sitting around that evening doing nothing…maybe cleaning out the lint trap in my laundry room or something. I own eighty tuxedos and it's a ten minute drive from my home to the South Point. If they want me to come in and do the last half-hour and they have $75 million on that tote board, I'll do that for my kids. I'd put everything else aside if America could do that."
So then when the telethon starts, some big MDA official comes out and says, "Folks…we love Jerry. He built this whole thing. We're sorry about the misunderstanding…and now we have a chance to get him on here. Get those phones ringing. Call your friends and tell them to pledge, too. We've got less than five hours to raise $75 million. It's our way of thanking Jerry and getting him on this stage to take the bow he so richly reserves!"
They'd raise the target amount. Some big sponsor like Pepsi-Cola would probably want to give the last big chunk so they'd get the credit and good will for putting the drive over the top. Even if no such company came forward, telethons have a way of putting any number they want on the tote board by counting donations that weren't earmarked for the telethon or adding in what they know will be donated in the future.
However they do it, they bring Jer on for the ovation of the century. The tune-in would be incredible. He makes a speech showing he's bigger than any of this; that all he's ever cared about is doing right by his kids. The MDA official comes out and they hug and he asks Jerry, in front of the entire country, to host next year's telethon. Jerry says, "Thanks but I think it's time to hand it on to the next generation…" and he says some nice words about those who are taking it over. He adds, "I just want to sit home with my feet up and watch…and hey, if you make $80 million next year, maybe I'll come by and sing the closing number." And then he sings the closing number, his voice chokes up sixteen bars from the end and he doesn't finish.
Television history. A new rebirth for the telethon. And Jerry becomes the first Jewish Saint.
Do I expect any of this to happen? No. But wouldn't it be great?