Costco has loads of stuff that I need and plenty of items I don't need. It also has many items I need but not in those quantities. Every time I'm in there, I see the multi-pack of French's Mustard they offer and I think, "Oh, I use French's Mustard" and make a move to put one package in my cart. Then sanity (or my reasonable facsimile) prevails and I think, "Wait a minute. I don't need that much French's Mustard! That's enough to douse ham sandwiches until the decade after next." Yes, I know the stuff keeps. Food these days does not deteriorate. Food these days is so well-packaged and filled with preservatives that it can sit on your shelf for eons. That doesn't mean it should. At the very least, I don't need to spend money now for mustard I won't use until 2022 and I could use the storage space.
First rule of Costco Shopping: Never buy anything without first answering the question, "Where am I going to put this?"
Once in a while, I see a group of friends who've gone to a Costco together as a kind of collective. They've decided to buy things they all need, split the low prices for buying in quantity, then divide up the items later. This makes a lot of sense if you can make it work for you. My last visit, I saw a kibbutz of three out in the parking lot trying to divide their purchases and it looked contentious and friendship-ending to me. One was upset that in their communal purchase of blister-packs o' batteries, they'd gotten plenty of AA and AAA but no 9-Volt, which is what he required. You know how ugly it can sometimes get when pals try to split up a restaurant check? This was worse. I actually overheard the strident phrase, "My needs are not being met."
One of the things that occasionally annoys me about Costco is something I call The Kellogg's Variety Pack Frustration. It harkens back to the day when my parents would let me pick out the cereal I wanted at the supermarket. Naturally, getting a sufficient quantity of one I liked was less important than getting those neat little boxes of them that you could stack up and play with. Why get a decent-sized box of Rice Krispies when I could get the Kellogg's Variety Pack and get a little Rice Krispies and a little Sugar Smacks and a little Sugar Frosted Flakes, etc.? It looked so great but there was that drawback…
Shredded Wheat. The cole slaw of breakfast foods.
A Kellogg's Variety Pack contained ten boxes, five to a side. On each view, I found three cereals I loved…one I could tolerate (Special K, for instance) and one I just plain didn't want. Shredded Wheat was always one. On the other side, there'd be one, as well…usually something with "bran" in the title like Raisin Bran or All-Bran. Whatever it was, it was Shredded Wheat to me. The contents changed from time to time or Kellogg's would issue other samplers. There was a variation called the Request Pack which wasn't bad but the ones I saw in our market only had six boxes and if you did the math, you paid more per little box. I really wanted the ten-pack but I didn't want the Shredded Wheat. It spoiled everything.
I remember standing in the cereal section of a Safeway once — I must have been six or seven — examining every Kellogg's Variety Pack on the shelf. Surely there would be one where someone in the plant in Battle Creek, Michigan erred…one V.P. with no Shredded Wheat and maybe an extra Sugar Corn Pops. That Shredded Wheat spoiled everything for me but I never found a package without it.
I feel that way often in a Costco. They have this nice-three pack of picnic condiments: A bottle of mustard, a bottle of ketchup and a bottle of relish. In this case, the relish is the Shredded Wheat. I never use relish. They have cases of Progresso Soups, every one of which contains two of this one I like, two of that one I like, and so on…but also has two that might as well be Cream of Shredded Wheat. There's a box of little bags of various kinds of Baked Lays chips that I'd buy except it includes Doritos…which are, after all, made out of Shredded Wheat. Or maybe All-Bran, which is just Shredded Wheat in a clever plastic disguise.
Having told you how much I love Costco, I am now attempting to be fair and balanced by telling you I don't like these assortment deals. I don't know why the case of little cans of Chef Boyardee Spaghetti and Meatballs can't be all Chef Boyardee Spaghetti and Meatballs…why it has to contain Beefaroni. Or in a non-food aisle, why the 20-pack of Gel Pens has to have 14 black, three blue and three red. It is far more likely I will need just black pens than that I will need black, blue and red in precisely that ratio. Come on, folks. Why does everything have to have Shredded Wheat in it?
If there's anyone in the L.A. area who loves to go to Costco, needs roughly the same kind of things I need but loves Shredded Wheat, let me know. I think we can work a deal and I promise you won't hear me crying, "My needs are not being met."