It's a measure of something — what, I don't know — that you can buy a mask and go trick-or-treating this year as Jay Leno, Dave Letterman or Conan O'Brien. With Bill Carter's book about to come out, Conan's show about to debut and Jay and Dave finishing lately in a near-tie, I find myself wondering why I or anyone cares that much about The Late Night Wars. You have here three men who, no matter what happens, will remain multi-multi-millionaires who've gotten around 97% of everything they could ever have wanted in their professional lives. And this is working in an industry where the average player is lucky to achieve 2%. They are all loved and admired by millions. They are all wealthy beyond any human standard. If they were free agents, they would all be flooded with offers of new projects — maybe not the precise ones to achieve the missing 3% of their dreams but they'd never be unemployed. Given what he makes in Vegas and other locales where he does stand-up, if Leno were to lose The Tonight Show, his income might very well go up…and for doing something he clearly loves to do.
I'm not sure why so many people are interested…or even why I am. A bit of it is a nod to the impact that Johnny Carson had on America. He was about as close to royalty as we've ever had in this country and royalty is one of the few places where you can be someone special without proving you can do anything. You certainly can't for very long in the comedy business. It's like in sports. Being picked to play centerfield for the Giants today wouldn't mean you were Willie Mays — you still have to catch the ball — and being on NBC at 11:35 doesn't make you Johnny and never will.
I knew an actor who was up once for the lead in a very prestigious series. He spent months auditioning and screen-testing and doing meet-and-greets with the network. For 90, perhaps 120 days, his life revolved around whether or not he would get the part and it was very real, high drama…because pretty much his whole life was at stake. If he got the part, he was convinced, he would suddenly become rich and famous and also powerful. Whatever reasons he had for getting into show business in the first place would soon be realized, either directly or indirectly. Even if all he cared about was doing good work as an actor, and even if the show had been fluff, the resultant stardom would have put him in a position to do other things of his own choosing. He ultimately did not get the job and took it very badly…and I think we can all understand why. He was thatclose (typo intentional) to getting everything of which he'd ever dreamed.
The battles fought over Johnny's time slot are quite different. Jay, Dave and Conan were all rich 'n' famous long before they entered that contest. Our fascination with something like Deal or No Deal has a lot to do with the possibility of seeing someone win life-changing money. The contestants are always folks who have little or nothing when they walk in. For them to maybe walk out with a check for a million is a very big deal for them and therefore for us as spectators. We can also fantasize maybe that it's us up there picking Case #22 and scoring the mil. Imagine how uninteresting it would be to see a rich guy play that game.
And yet the Jay/Dave/Conan battle matters to us…I think, in large part, because we've all watched one or more of them enough to have some sense of who's a good guy. Some of that may be illusory. I know folks who've met those gents for real and for good or ill, come away with a sense of, "Gee, he's not at all like I expected." Johnny was like that, too. An actress I used to know had a strong crush on Mr. Carson until she was cast in a sketch on his show. She came away thinking that the Johnny Carson she loved and thought she knew was not the real person…and I'm not sure she ever watched his show again. I saw it happen the other way with others. A writer I knew thought Carson was a lightweight expert at exploiting the skills of others. Still, when my friend had an offer to work on the show, he took it anyway…and came away convinced Johnny was a genius who earned every nickel. (For what it's worth, knowing a lot of folks who've worked for Jay, Dave and Conan — and having limited contact with all three, myself — my sense is that they're all very good, decent men who are generally wonderful to their staffs…and maybe all at least a little childish about attaining that missing 3% I mentioned earlier.)
So we get this idea in our heads that Jay is the good guy and Dave is the bad guy…or vice-versa or Conan can be either. Maybe we replay old personal injustices: You're Dave and Jay represents that guy who beat you out for that job you wanted twenty years ago. Or you're Conan and NBC is that evil boss who fired you your second week on the job. Or you can be Jay doing your job and succeeding in it and then Conan is that young punk who shoved you aside. I mean, whatever professional grudges you may hold, you can probably find some analogy in there. But in reality, it comes down to which weathy superstar is going to get to do his talk show on which station…and who gets to call his The Tonight Show and imagine a montage of his face alongside Steve Allen, Jack Paar and Johnny.
A few months ago, an agent who was close to the whole Jay/Conan slapflight (not participating but he had real good spectator seats) gave me his whole take on it. He thinks it was just a case of a network screwing up a couple of key decisions — something everyone who works at any network will tell you happens all the time. He also thinks both men or their reps made some bad career choices…and with all those bad bits of judgment occuring on top of one another and fueled by so many egos, you had a Perfect Storm and therefore a disaster. I asked him, "So why should anyone who did or didn't get a job out of it care?" He said, "They shouldn't. But we also don't share in the bonus that our team gets when they win the World Series, and we didn't score the winning run and we didn't do anything to make them win and we don't even really know the people who did…but we still care who wins." I think he's right about all that.
Anyway, if you'll excuse me, I have to get ready to go out and trick-or-treat. It was difficult but I managed to find and buy a Carson Daly mask. I'm going to put it on and see if I can find a guy in a Jimmy Fallon mask to follow around tonight. Still hope I don't get any candy corn.