As I mentioned here last week, I've learned to never order a tuna sandwich in a restaurant. They so rarely make them the way I want which is as follows: Tuna (preferably chunk light) mixed with not-too-much mayo or Miracle Whip, spread on white bread or a white bun…with no enhancements. No celery. No lettuce. No little bits of chopped-up pickle or olives. No dill. No Dijon mustard. No yogurt dressing. I was once in a restaurant where the server assured me their tuna salad was just tuna plus mayo. When it came, it was that…plus diced almonds. Back it went.
Tuna sandwiches are one of the things that linger well inside my gastric-bypassed, allergy-laced stomach and then move happily on. At least they do the way I make 'em. First, I get those StarKist foil "no drain" packets of Chunk Light. They're easier to use and I think they taste better.
I used to get the kind packed in Sunflower Oil — which since it wasn't going to be drained, barely had any oil in it. Sadly, the trend in this area seems to be to tuna packed in water. The same America that's embracing the KFC Double Down is trying to show some good faith by going from tuna packed in oil to tuna packed in water, so I usually have to use the latter. I dump whatever I can get into one of these…
This is an odd kitchen appliance that goes by many names. Sometimes, it's a Countertop Chopper. Sometimes, it's a Smart Chopper. Sometimes, it's a Salsa Maker. Sometimes, it's a Kitchen Magician. I don't know which title, if any, is more official than the others. Basically, it's a cheap plastic whatchamacallit with a handle and little chopping/mixing blades. They used to sell them via infomercials a lot and I get the feeling that somewhere in the world, there's a warehouse where some guy is stuck with about ten million of them. In any case, you can usually pick one up on eBay for about fifteen bucks. The hard part is figuring out what to search for there in order to locate one.
Whoever named it though deserves to be stuck with millions of unsold units because they missed its best usage. It's a great Tuna Salad Maker. It takes a bit of practice — you have to learn how much to turn the handle in order to flake your tuna to the proper consistency and how much dressing to add — but it's worth the learning curve.
A word of caution to you amateurs: Remember that you can always add more mayo or Miracle Whip but you can't take it out once you dump it in and commence stirring…so add it a little at a time until you achieve the proper fish/dressing ratio. When I was starting out, I didn't know this and I'd sometimes put in too much. What I'd do then is to decide to make two pouches of tuna instead of one. I'd dump in another one and it would, of course, absorb the surplus mayo…and then I could add more sparingly to get the balance just right. I suppose if you're a real novice you could measure but us great chefs never do.
After that, the next step — and this is the hard part for some — is to resist the impulse to throw something else in…some chopped celery, some bacon bits, etc. Don't do this. Just don't. You wouldn't mix in dung beetles now, would you? Then why add pieces of avocado?
Finally, spread the tuna on bread…and don't get fancy with your choice. Plain, old-fashioned white is to tuna salad what rye is to corned beef. Slather it on, put the top slice in place and then, for the love of God, stop. It's done. You cannot improve on perfection…and remember: Garnishes are for the neurotic and insecure food preparer who's afraid to let his or her creation stand on its own merits and feels the need to distract.
Serve with the only acceptable side dish, which is potato chips…and here, if you insist on getting fancy, it's okay to go a little wild. Personally, I like the Baked Ruffles with the cheddar and sour cream flavoring. If your local market doesn't carry them, take in a baseball bat and bash somebody's skull in and tell them you'll be back every week until they wise up and begin stocking the Baked Ruffles with the cheddar and sour cream flavoring. (On second thought, maybe a softer approach would be more effective.)
And that's it. That's how to make a tuna fish sandwich…the only way as far as I'm concerned. If you're determined to put in lettuce, remember that it will no longer be a tuna fish sandwich. It will be a tuna fish and lettuce sandwich…and who wants one of those?
Next time, I'll tell you how to make an old family favorite, peanut butter on crackers. In case you want to go shopping beforehand, you'll need peanut butter, crackers and a knife. And for God's sake, nothing else.