Beyoncé is now selling Crystal Geyser bottled water. That's great but it doesn't make me any more eager to buy the stuff. That's because I couldn't be more eager. I already purchase Crystal Geyser by the caseload. When home, I drink nothing else…and I mean nothing else. No tea, no juice, no soda, no coffee, no liquid of any kind but Crystal Geyser bottled water. And when I'm not home, I try for Crystal Geyser but settle for whatever kind of H2O I can get.
I had Gastric Bypass Surgery in May of '06…and those of you who've tracked my medical history on this blog know that I was briefly hospitalized in February of that year. Before then, I was darn near addicted to beverages full of sugar and carbonation. During the day, I'd consume 3-5 Pepsi-Colas and then, at 6 PM, I'd switch over to the clear stuff (7-Up or Canada Dry ginger ale) so that I wouldn't still be highly-caffeinated by bedtime. I tried to quit but got headaches and other nagging symptoms…and since I always have a deadline, I'd rationalize: "I'd better go drink a Pepsi so I can get this script done today. I can start quitting some time when I don't have a script due." That's a real handy way out if you always have a script due and don't really want to quit.
Early in 2006, I decided tentatively (meaning I might still back out) to have the surgery. One argument against it was that, they say, one needs to give up carbonated drinks after G.B.S. and I wasn't sure I could do that. Then in February, I had to spend four days in a hospital bed and while there, I had nothing with carbonation, sugar or caffeine. I also had no withdrawal symptoms. So I decided to see how long I could go without a cola…and I haven't had a sip since. Nor have I missed it. Sometimes, it's easier to break an addiction than you think.
I never liked coffee, tea or anything artificially-sweetened so my beverages of choice became fruit juices…but in a slow curve following the operation, I began losing my taste for anything with high sugar content in it. They warn you that after a gastric bypass, your body may not process sugar all that well but they don't say you'll stop liking the stuff, Well, I did. I started watering down lemonade or orange juice and eventually gave them up completely. For six months or so, I drank only water or tomato juice…and not long ago, I gave up the tomato juice. Of course, I'd already given up cake, candy, pie, ice cream, cookies and anything else with more than about 2 grams of sugar per serving.
Friends ask, "Don't you miss sweets?" And the way I've started answering is like this. Imagine there's a restaurant that you used to love and every time you went there, you left full and delighted. Now, imagine that restaurant is still there but it's changed owners and chefs and it has all different menu items and recipes and now there's nothing special about it and you can no longer get the same wonderful feeling there. Well, I miss sweets the way you miss that restaurant. You recall the happy sensation but you know things have changed and that eating there again is not going to give it to you. So you accept it and move on.
And I've accepted that I really can't drink anything except water, and discovered it's not as big a disadvantage as I once might have thought. I found a brand I really like — Crystal Geyser — and I buy cases of it. Many cases of it. I probably have about fifty gallons in various sized-bottles in my garage at this moment and when I see it on-sale in a store, I think, "Hmm…maybe I should pick up a few more crates." So, Crystal Geyser People…you didn't need to spring for Beyoncé to do your ads. Not to get my business, at least. I'd be buying your product if your spokeswoman was Richard Belzer in drag. I just wouldn't post his photo on my blog.