Monthly Archives: March 2008

It was Bob Williams who had the act with the dog that didn't do anything. See? I remembered the "Bob" part. Thanks to Bruce Reznick, Stu Shostak, Kevin Greenlee and Dan Varner, who all e-mailed me within ten minutes of each other. Two of them also suggested this video link to a clip from Hollywood Palace. The first minute or so is a montage of novelty performers and the last few are Bob Williams with his dog, Louie. I think he had a couple of different dogs over the years, including one named Red Dust.

It's odd…I remember thinking this was the funniest act in the world when I was younger. Now, I'm a little more conscious of the fact that some animal acts are not very good to the animals and I can't help wondering how this pooch was treated. Maybe Louie was well fed and very happy but wondering about it gets in the way of enjoying the act for me.

I worked on a show once where they tried to book Bob Williams. As I recall, he wanted a sum of money that our producer thought was excessive and some agent had an imitation act that was priced more reasonably…so they hired this other guy, who wasn't nearly as funny. He treated his dogs (he used two) quite well and we even had a Humane Society rep on the set who concurred. So I tell myself Williams did likewise. Here's the clip. Bob Williams and Louie turn up for the second half of it.

There used to be a performer with a "dog act" where the dog did nothing. He'd trained (or maybe doped) the dog to just sit there and do nothing while he delivered a monologue that started with making excuses for the dog. It then segued to talking about his wife and his mother-in-law and the usual stand-up topics, and every so often, he'd turn to the dog and say, "Not going to do anything, huh?" A very funny act.

I remember seeing the guy on Ed Sullivan's show and on Hollywood Palace and all the expected venues. I remember reading that he made less money doing the act than he earned suing others who ripped off his act. What I don't remember — and someone just asked me — is the guy's name. Can anyone out there supply it? I'm thinking Bob Something.

On Friday, a couple of stops after the D.M.V., I went to Costco, intending to buy one particular piece of electronic equipment and then leave. Yeah, like there's a chance of that happening. The way things turned out, I found the item I'd come in for and put it in my basket. Then, since I hadn't eaten all day, I went to the rear of the store for some of what I call Costco Dim Sum. Those are the wonderful little free samples of food that the ladies in the shower caps dispense, in and around the refrigeration cases and at the ends of some aisles. Since Gastric Bypass Surgery reduced the length 'n' breadth of my stomach, I can just about make a meal out of free samples and, of course, the price is ideal.

Except, of course, that Costco employs the same principle via which one suckers one's self in Las Vegas casinos. They offer you something free but you have to go all the way to the rear of the building to collect it. In Vegas, they know that on your way to and/or from the back, you'll be tempted to drop a few bucks in a slot machine or at a Blackjack table. At Costco, you'll probably pick up a case or two of Chips Ahoy or Kikkoman Soy Sauce — a particularly tasty combination, I hear. I ended up selecting a lot of stuff I didn't go in for…and to top off my own foolishness, I decided against purchasing that piece of electronic equipment I'd come in for. Feeling just as sheepish as you'd imagine, I returned it to the shelf and just bought all the stuff I didn't stop in for.

Some of what I hauled home were food items. I bought a fresh, just-cooked rotisserie chicken and it was very good. I bought a tub of their rotisserie chicken noodle soup (made, I suppose, from the chickens that are cooked at the store but not purchased within X hours) and it was not very good. But the real find was packaged corned beef from the Carnegie Deli.

I love the Carnegie in New York. I also like the Stage, which is a block away, and a place called the Ben Ash, which is across the street. I don't know which of them has the best corned beef but any of 'em are better than any corned beef you can buy in a market out here. I also like the corned beef at Canter's and several delis in my native Los Angeles but when you buy it at the counter and take it home, it doesn't keep for long. I wind up eating it when I feel like having something else.

The local Costcos now sell Carnegie Corned Beef…or you can buy Pastrami if that's your preference. What you get is 1.5 pounds of meat for about ten bucks, which ain't a bad price at all. It comes divided up into two plastic containers so you can eat three-fourths of a pound now and three-fourths of a pound next week. (The package I bought on 2/29 was dated as good 'til 3/25.) Eat it cold or stick it in the microwave for 60 seconds and eat it hot. I just did this and it's pretty good…a little tougher than what you get at a real deli but pretty darned good for the convenience of having it at home to feast upon when the mood strikes.

Meanwhile, in other food news: Last year on this site, I made a ridiculous pest of myself asking you all to lobby the Souplantation chain (aka in some states, Sweet Tomatoes) to make their creamy tomato soup a regular selection. Many of you wrote that you went in, tried it, agreed with me it was dee-lish and so informed the Souplantation Customer Relations people. Some of you didn't try it but you acted on faith and phoned in for my cause. Thank you all…but I'm sad to report my favorite soup is still not a constant at the chain. It's probably another one of those Antonin Scalia decisions, subverting the will of the masses.

On the other hand, I'm happy to report that the creamy tomato soup is back for the month of March. In fact, it starts today so I'm going to pretend they brought it back in honor of my birthday…and gee, that was thoughtful of them, don't you think? I'm going to go often this month and at some point, I'll get a big "to go" container, bring it back here and enjoy it with my Carnegie corned beef. This will probably be my favorite meal for all of March, not counting the dim sum at Costco if I go there again or Carolyn's chicken pot roast if she makes it.

Friday afternoon, I went to the Department of Motor Vehicles office to get my drivers license renewed. It's customary to make cracks about long, long lines at the D.M.V. and employees who act like Lee Majors running in slow-motion…but I was in and out in twenty minutes and it would have been ten, had it not been for an incident I'll describe in a moment.

Renewal by mail was possible but I wanted to get a new photo taken. I've lost more than 100 pounds since the last one was snapped (99+ pounds of flesh, one pound of hair) and the pic doesn't look much like me these days. I've had two hassles with T.S.A. employees at airports and one with the only sales clerk who actually looks at the photo when you pay with a credit card and the store policy is to check the customer's i.d. It's amazing how many "look" and don't notice that the picture doesn't particularly resemble the patron.

I arrive at 12:15 for a 12:20 appointment and am given a form to fill out and return to the window. When I return it, there's a man ahead of me having an emotional breakdown. He's around 65 (I'm guessing) and he works for a company not unlike Super Shuttle that drives folks to the airport…and even with eye glasses as thick as the Berlin Wall, he has just failed the vision test and been told his license will not be renewed. Amidst angry tears and yelling, he is arguing with a D.M.V. employee who is just trying to enforce the rules and hasn't the authority to do anything else.

As near as I can tell, the argument goes roughly like this: "I cannot drive without a license. If I do not drive, I do not have a job. If I do not have a job, my family cannot pay rent or purchase groceries. Therefore, you must give me a license."

The D.M.V. staffer explains very politely that the eye exam is not something that can just be ignored. It's given for a reason. He's sorry but the applicant had several cracks at it — however many are permitted — and he failed. A supervisor of some sort comes over and the conversation is moved to one side (so I can go about my business) and it is repeated. As I'm waiting for my new photo to be snapped, I can hear the supervisor saying, "The fact that you need the job doesn't change the fact that you failed the test."

All the people who are sitting around and waiting have heard the exchange. They feel sorry for the man whose livelihood has gone away with his vision. They also feel sorry for the D.M.V. employee who was screamed at as if he'd decided to starve the man's family.

Behind me in line, waiting for her picture to be taken, is a lady who I'd guess is in her eighties. "It's so sad," she says. "That poor man." The man waiting behind her says, "Why don't they just give him a license?" To which the woman replies, "Would you want to ride with a driver who can't see well enough to pass the eye test here? That's scary."

I lean over and say, "The scary thing is that he was driving people to and from the airport yesterday, maybe even this morning."

"That's not even the scary thing," the man says. "The scary thing is that he's going to drive home from here. When I'm going through the parking lot, he'll probably be going through the parking lot." Then he thinks for a second and adds, "You know, my company has jobs where you don't have to drive and good vision isn't essential." He pulls out a business card, tells the lady to save his place in line, and goes over and gives one to the man who has just lost his license.

That's all there is to this story. My picture is then taken so I leave and I can't tell you what, if anything, happened as a result. But I'd like to think it will all lead to a happy ending.