I swore off carbonated beverages in February of 2006 and haven't had so much as a sip of cola or uncola since then. At the time, I was consuming way too many gallons of the stuff per week — at times, it felt like per day — and I also knew I would soon have my Gastric Bypass Surgery. After G.B.S., carbonated drinks are a no-no…so I quit then and there. It turned out to be a much easier addiction to break than I expected.
If I were still drinking sodas, I can't think of one I would less want to sample than the Jones Company's Candy Corn soda, which is part of a limited (fortunately) line of Halloween flavors. Every Thanksgiving, the Jones Boys put out a Turkey-and-Gravy soda which I've also never tried but which at least makes a certain amount of sense to me. I mean, people like turkey and they like gravy and they especially like turkey and gravy. On the other hand, as we all know, no one likes Candy Corn.
Don't bother writing to me and telling me you do. I won't believe you. I grudgingly admit that some people like cole slaw, which is the single most disgusting but technically edible thing on the planet…though I do put such people in the same category as those tribes that like to occasionally stick sharp needles through various body parts. But Candy Corn? That's just repulsive.
The only way I can possibly rationalize Candy Corn Soda is that it's the "trick" option of "trick or treat." The kids come to your door in their adorable ghost and ghoul costumes…and you'd really like to do what they used to do to Charlie Brown, which is to dump a rock in his sack. But you decide that's too nice so you give them Candy Corn Soda. That'll teach the little bastards.
I know this is a disgusting topic but I have to post this as a public service. If you're a responsible parent, you'll be checking out your kids' Halloween acquisitions before you allow any consumption. You'll be scrutinizing their hauls for razor blades or pins or poisons…and you should. But you should really be on the lookout for Candy Corn Soda. There just may be someone in your neighborhood who's sick enough to do that to a child.