So the first thing that happens is that at LAX, the lady who checks your I.D. against your ticket doesn't believe I'm me. She looks at my driver's license, then at my face, then at my license again, then at me, back and forth for quite a while before declaring, "This isn't you."
I said, "It's me. I've lost a hundred pounds since that photo was taken. Probably more than a hundred pounds."
She stares at me and tries to imagine what I'd look like with extra weight. I said, "Here, let me help you." And I puffed up my cheeks and scrunched my jaw downward to try and create some double chins for her. She laughed and said, "I'm sorry…I don't think this is you" and she called another lady over to give a second opinion. The other lady didn't think I was me, either. In fact, she seemed so sure that it raised grave doubts in my mind.
Then the first lady noticed that the date of birthday on the license was 03-02-52. I'm typing this on March 2 but it happened last night. That's when she said, "Oh, it's your birthday tomorrow. In that case, you can go on through."
A tip to any terrorists who read this site: If you want to get past security with a fake I.D., forget about the photo. Just fly the day before the date of birth on the fake I.D.
Then the flight was running late because it was coming in from Chicago, and the weather there is apparently like the inside of a snow globe. A woman ahead of me at the gate podium was asking why they let a storm in Chicago impact a flight between Los Angeles and San Francisco. This was not a stupid woman. She was trying to ask the gate attendant why the airlines do that…why they don't just have planes that go back and forth within the state so that a LAX/SFO flight is not at the mercy of lake effect snow in Illinois. The gentleman there didn't understand and kept explaining to her how the route is for the plane to come in from Chicago, stop in L.A. and then go on to San Francisco. I could have intervened and cleared up the confusion but I figured we had more than three hours to kill before our fight was taking off. Might as well let them duke it out.
The flight finally did take off. On the plane, I checked out the roster of America's Top Steak Houses in the in-flight magazine, which is really the only reason to ever get on an airplane. They had someplace called III Forks in Texas listed in the top slot, while Peter Luger's in Brooklyn was nowhere on the list. That makes me think the whole thing is as bogus as the 2000 presidential vote totals in Florida and that it was probably another one of those Scalia deals. By the way, I get that the alleged winner is actually named "Three Forks" but they type it in Roman numerals and I can't help thinking that it looks like the place is named "ILL FORKS." Would you eat at a restaurant named that? Of course not, and that's more proof that this list is a fraud. If they keep this up, people will suspect it's all just a group advertising deal and that these places pay to get their names on it.
The flight finally landed and here I am, ready to report on the Wondercon, which opens in about eleven hours. Maybe I'd better post a video link and turn in. Good night.