This is probably making the rounds of all your e-mailboxes but I enjoyed it enough to stick it up here. It was forwarded to me by a fine actor named Alan Oppenheimer who has to have lunch with me soon so I can present him with some tapes of a great TV show he was featured on called He and She. Consider this a formal invitation, Alan.
- Do not walk behind me. Do not walk ahead of me. Do not walk beside me. Just leave me alone.
- The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
- It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
- Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
- Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
- Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
- If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
- Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
- If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
- If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
- Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
- Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
- The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
- A closed mouth gathers no foot.
- Duct tape is like "The Force." It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
- There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
- Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- Never miss a good chance to shut up.
- Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.