Monthly Archives: September 2006

Some time ago, I began listing "released jokes" here. These are jokes that have been told so often that they've not only lost their humor value but people should be ashamed to use them. In light of all the publicity lately about our solar system and the reclassification of planets, I need to add another one to the list…

…jokes that flow from the fact that "Uranus" sounds like "your anus."

Please stop. Don't do them any more. Don't even explain or alibi or point out that others do it more than you do. Just stop.

Thank you.

More than two years ago on this site, we wished aloud that someone would rerun old episodes of The Dick Cavett Show. More than four months ago, we told you it was about to happen, at least for a few episodes cut down (alas) from 90 minutes to an hour…and those few start airing this Thursday on Turner Classic Movies.

Actually, the first one (which airs this Thursday and again on Sunday) is not a rerun. It's a new episode with Mel Brooks and of course, TCM will surround its airings with a couple of Mel Brooks movies. But then on September 14, we get an old show with Cavett chatting with Woody Allen. On September 21, it's a show from 1971 with Robert Mitchum and then on September 28, TCM will air Cavett's 1972 interview with Alfred Hitchcock. In October, they're running Cavett shows with Bette Davis, Groucho Marx and a two-parter with Katharine Hepburn.

I was also a big fan of Cavett's late night show and always felt ABC made a huge mistake by cancelling him when they did. No, he wasn't sending Johnny Carson to the unemployment line…but neither did anyone else for 30+ years. Cavett's show finished (usually) a respectable second and turned a profit, which is more than can be said for the shows that occupied that time slot for the next few years after he was booted out of it. Perhaps of greater value was that at a time when his network didn't have the most uplifting schedule, The Dick Cavett Show won awards aplenty and garnered critical acclaim.

In later years, I think a lot of network execs would have been thrilled to have a show that did that well against Johnny…but Cavett was working in an environment where being Numero Uno was all that mattered. That was his loss, ABC's loss and our loss. It's nice to see those shows hauled out of the vaults.

While I've got your attention: Very early tomorrow (Wednesday) morning, TCM is running Zenobia, the 1939 movie that stars Oliver Hardy with Harry Langdon but without Stan Laurel. It's not a great film but Hardy's performance makes it worth watching. This is followed by the three "Topper" movies — Topper, Topper Takes a Trip and Topper Returns, all starring Roland Young as the oft-tormented Cosmo Topper. You could do worse than TiVo the lot of them.

Daniel Preece makes a good point…

Not to be picky, but there is no "non-conspiracy" theory about 9/11. The official Bush explanation is itself a massive conspiracy theory, involving dozens (or more) of extremist Muslim plotters spread from the U.S. halfway across the world to Afghanistan.

I point this out because some people use the phrase "conspiracy theory" merely as a label for explanations they don't like. This is dangerous to encourage, because it predisposes some people to disregard unpleasant explanations out of hand. And given the truth about the Boston Tea Party, the sinking of the Maine, and the Gulf of Tonkin incident (to list a few), we should keep a healthy skepticism regarding "official" explanations.

You're right. There are real conspiracies in this world and I certainly would never believe anything just because the voices that comprise "the government" at some point in time asserted it. On the other hand, I also don't give extra points to any theory just because it wasn't the official explanation. I think some people do, especially when the official version is of no use to them in their personal campaigns. Anyway, I'll try to be more precise about this in the future.

I received an unusual number of messages relating to the commercial I linked to for the Marx Rock 'em, Sock 'em Robots. Several people informed me that the version that is currently being manufactured is — in the words of one correspondent — "a scaled-down piece of junk lacking the magnificence of the original toy." Others who wrote said similar things but seemed less outraged.

Someone who didn't sign his name tells me that the boy on the left in the commercial is Bobby Buntrock, who played the kid on the TV series, Hazel. Someone who did (David Oakes) calls my attention to the illustration work of Eric Joyner, especially this print.

Jim Kakalios, who bills himself as "Your Friendly Neighborhood Physics Professor" writes the following…

Of course, there's an easy, elegant solution to the problem of an only child wanting to play Rock 'Em, Sock 'Em Robots…play by mail! You do it just as in chess — each postcard has instructions such as: move red robots left arm two inches forward, etc. Reflexes and timing are de-emphasized and it beomes a true game of strategy! In this way, I became Mid-West regional Rock 'Em, Sock 'Em Robots champion in 1972 — until the damn judges discovered that I had Crazy Glue-ed my robot's head down in place!

Oddly enough, no one wrote about the truly sad moment in the saga of the Rock 'em Sock 'em guys. It began when the Blue Bomber got drunk one night on WD-40 and signed that one-sided management contract with Don King. It ended one night behind a Toys R' Us when, bankrupt and reduced to picking up the occasional buck as a sparring partner for a couple of Transformers, the one-time heavyweight champion (plastic division) took his own life by throwing himself in front of a Big Wheels Tricycle. The whole sordid story stands as a sobering example of what happens when robots turn to a life of violence in the ring.

The conspiracy theorists are working overtime on 9/11. Read all about it.

It's a commercial for the Marx Rock 'em, Sock 'em Robots, a toy I never owned. I was 14 when they came out in 1966 so I was a little old for it but I remember a younger kid down the block who was always trying to get me or anyone to "box" with him. I think he sometimes made his mother operate the Blue Bomber and then he'd knock her block off and complain she'd let him win. I wonder if anyone in the toy industry ever did a psychological survey of those who buy toys that can only be played by two or more, contrasted to toys one can play all alone.

The two robots had enormous staying power. After many years out of production, the Red Rocker and Blue Bomber made an amazing comeback. Mattel now manufactures the toy…which looks to me like the exact same design. There can't be a lot of playthings that went away and returned like that, and it's especially amazing in a toy that involved a certain amount of mechanics. You'd think something that came out in '66 would seem technologically ridiculous today…but the fight goes on. Here's one of the TV spots that promoted this epic battle in the first place…

Take a look at this 1996 page from the CNN website. President Bill Clinton is urging Congress to act faster on a package of anti-terrorism bills and the Republicans are balking at expanding presidential powers to wiretap.

Jerry's does a little of his "there's no people like show people" riff, then segues to talking about how he'll be directing The Nutty Professor as a musical for Broadway. He says they're planning on March, year after next, to hit the Great White Way and he brings on Michael Andrew, the "talented young man" who's going to star in the show. Like Robert Goulet before him, Andrew does a Vegasy rendition of a Lerner and Loewe show tune…in this case, "Almost Like Being in Love." Very nice…probably even Broadway caliber. But since Jerry said they're just getting down to the writing of the Nutty Professor musical, I'm a little skeptical about March of '08.

Hour 20 starts with Jerry performing a medley of Al Jolson songs. More shameless pandering to the young.

They come back from an extended local segment for the last ten minutes and Ed McMahon announces the more-or-less final total: $61,013,855. Jerry is emotional, fatigued, overwhelmed, alternately humbled and proud. He sounds, above all, sincere and I can recall a time when he didn't. Something interesting has happened to this telethon in the last decade or so and it's because of Jerry. Back in the seventies, he took a lot of heat for its excesses, its pandering, its promotion of his friends and their careers. But back then, he was just a comedian whose TV shows got cancelled and whose movie career had atrophied. The cause seemed to be promoting Jerry Lewis instead of the other way around.

That was then, this is now. As we've bemoaned on this site before, we're running out of legendary comics. We're going to wake up one morning soon and the Elder Statesman of Comedy will be a Wayans brother.

Benny's gone. Berle is gone and so is George Burns, so is Bob Hope, so is most of a generation of guys who transcended just getting up there and telling jokes. Even Johnny Carson, one generation removed from them, is gone. The other day at lunch, some of us got to naming the great older icons of comedy we have left and I'm afraid it didn't take long: Bob Newhart, Don Rickles, Carl Reiner, Jonathan Winters, Mel Brooks, Sid Caesar, five or six others…and Jerry. And depending on when you discovered his work, he may be the biggie.

There was a time when I couldn't watch this telethon but Jerry's mellowed in many ways. He no longer does things that get reviewed so he rarely launches into his little diatribes against critics. He's triumphed over so many medical problems that just making it out onto stage is a triumph of sorts…plus late fatherhood and his new marriage seem to be agreeing with him…and he's reached legend status. So you have a guy with nothing to prove other than that he can still do it. I hope he keeps proving it for a long time.

I think I'm on Hour 15 now. Ed McMahon is back as announcer and Larry King is back to host, not in a tux and not even wearing a funny hat.

We seem to be in a crying hour…people tearing up as they talk of how Muscular Dystrophy or some allied affliction devastated someone's life. I feel better fast-forwarding through these segments since I made my pledge.

A corporate head just handed Larry King a check for $3,000,000. Larry asked the guy tougher questions than he's asked George W. Bush in six years. I also note that Larry's better than Jerry Lewis when it comes to sounding enthusiastic as you introduce a performer you never heard of before.

The Drifters/Coasters/Platters act returns and this time, someone actually manages to mention that they're appearing at the Sahara. These performers are not only good but they've been up all night. They deserve at least a bit of a plug. Looks like they even have a relatively full audience out there to play to, as well. They sing all different songs except for the finale which is, again, "Shout." Ever since National Lampoon's Animal House, it's a felony to not close any R&B oldies performance with that number. Matter of fact, I hear that Kitty Carlisle Hart — who just turned 96 and is still performing — closes her act with that. And then for an encore, she brings out a sledge hammer and smashes a watermelon.

43 minutes into what my clumsy math says is Hour 17, Jerry returns, tanned and rested. He kids around with the producer about the fact that apparently the dancers from the Folies Bergeres at the Tropicana are a no-show. Then he brings out Dean's daughter, Deana Martin, and they sing a duet: The return of Martin and Lewis. Over $37 million now.

The guys from Pittsburgh in the funny hats are back, this time with Jerry. Jerry asks them how long they've been with him on his telethons. One of them replies, "Fifty-one years, Jer," which means they go back with him to when the telethons were local in New York. Jerry says, "And for fifty-one years, you guys have never chosen to fix those damned hats." They give him a check for $425,000 anyway.

18 and a half hours into the telethon, Jerry bring on my pal, Ronn Lucas, who is only the best ventriloquist working today. Ronn gets a decent time slot and a good, personalized introduction. It's a good spot. David Letterman is about to do a week of ventriloquists on his show, probably not because he likes that kind of act but because he thinks they'll be easy to make fun of. I hope they'll book Ronn and I hope Dave lets him just do what does so well.

The Writers Guild isn't making much/any progress gaining coverage of folks who write "reality shows" like America's Top Model…but they have managed to secure representation of writers on The Daily Show With Jon Stewart. Here are a few (but only a few) more details. This is quite an achievement, given how elusive Comedy Central has been on this issue. One assumes The Colbert Report can't be far behind.

AFTRA, the union that represents on-air performers, is also about to announce a pact with Comedy Central and The Daily Show.

Jerry's still asleep so Tom Bergeron has the com, as they used to say on Star Trek. (Keep in mind that I'm commenting on what's on my TiVo, which is many hours behind what's on live TV. Actually, I think the telethon is over by now but us TiVo owners no longer live in the cruel world where shows start and finish when the stations broadcast them.)

From Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, the heads of the Tall Cedars, a group connected somehow with Cedars of Lebanon, have sent representatives. The Supreme Tall Cedar (that's how he's introduced) and an associate have come on to wear funny hats and present Jerry (Tom, actually) with their first check for $300,000. I now see the fashion faux pas I've been making every time I've put on a tuxedo. I've been neglecting to also wear a funny hat. You won't catch me making that mistake again.

Whoa! We're well into Hour 12, I think it is, and suddenly an act is being introduced by Larry King. Where did he come from? No one introduced him. It's just like, all of a sudden, Larry King out of nowhere. He's wearing a tux but no funny hat. He introduces one small-name act and disappears. It's up to Bergeron to introduce a man billed, probably justifiably, as the World's Fastest Balloon Sculptor.

It's kinda like Host Roulette up there. Sometimes, it's Bergeron, Kelly Monaco and/or Bob Zany. Sometimes, it's a pre-tape with Jerry. A fellow named Billy Gilman is shouldering some of the heavy lifting/introducing, while Norm Crosby just popped up again to bring out Robert Goulet. I still don't understand what the hell Larry King was doing there as emcee for all of six minutes. Goulet, in a segment obviously taped earlier, sings a very Vegas version of "On the Street Where You Live" and a less Vegasy "The Impossible Dream." The guy looks pretty good, especially considering he's wearing a tux and no funny hat.

They're losing the narrative thread. Top of Hour 9, Tom Bergeron engages in banter with two Muppet-style puppets, then the latter perform their version of "Bohemian Rhapsody." It's a nice act but I went back and forth on the TiVo and couldn't find any mention of who the puppets were or where they appear or anything of the sort.

They're followed by Barry Manilow singing "I Write the Songs" with voiceover intro by Jerry and cutaways to him waving one of those glowing wands that Manilow audiences wave. It's a clip from a previous telethon but you have to figure that out. Then, fifteen minutes into Hour 9, Ed McMahon announces they're live from Las Vegas…and there's Jerry. Is he back from his nap? No, this is what I saw earlier, when I was up in the middle of the night. They're rerunning material from earlier in the telethon. Interestingly, I don't see any shots of the tote board and I think they've edited out the moments when Jerry and Ed go to check how much they've collected so far.

Shortly after the top of Hour 10, Jerry mysteriously disappears and we're back with Tom Bergeron, Kelly Monaco and Bob Zany…and I guess it's live because we're again seeing the tote board, which is up over 15 million. Still, it must be a snooze for the live audience in Vegas. Half the acts being shown are pre-tapes and between them, there are long stretches of pitches for MDA that are also pre-taped. Bergeron finally brings on Teri Ralston, a wonderful Broadway performer who was in the original production of Company. She offers up a nice preview of a new Broadway-bound show she's doing, Hats. Good performance, terrible time slot.

She's followed (after some plugs) by the ladies of "Fantasy," a show at the Luxor. Usually, I think they have their tops off when they do this number.

If you're going to record any part of this show next year, try to snag the wee small hours of the morning. It's an odd lineup of acts, mostly from Vegas, some of them quite good. I'm watching the performers who drew that coveted 4 AM time slot. Their intro was a bit fuzzy but I think it's the show from the big room at the Sahara in Las Vegas, which is called "The Platters, Beary Hobb's Drifters and Cornell Gunter's Coasters." I'm guessing lawyers worked that out because none of these folks were in the original Drifters or Coasters, and maybe one sang at one time with the Platters. By any name, it's a band of very talented black singers who get the crowd up and dancing to hits of the fifties…

…or at least, the crowd that's there. The audience is pretty enthusiastic — what there is of one. The performers sing "Shout" and try to get everyone up and dancing…but there's only so much you can do with empty seats.

Tom Bergeron is showing us scenes from Las Vegas, explaining how many streets are named for the great entertainers who've played the town. One throughfare was recently named (or maybe renamed) Jerry Lewis Way and the nice thing, he notes, is that it intersects with Dean Martin Boulevard. There's gotta be a joke there: Yeah, and then they split off and don't come together for the next thirty-five years. By the way, Dean Martin Boulevard is the only street in the world where you can get arrested for not driving drunk.

More reruns from earlier in the evening when Jerry was there live. I have to go do stuff so I may not get back to the Love Network for a while. I hope it doesn't read like I'm putting the telethon down because I'm really enjoying it, especially with fast-forwarding. I'll write more about it later.

Kevin Drum, one of my favorite political bloggers, brings us this chart of how median incomes have dropped across the U.S. in the last six years. It's a wonderful answer for those Bush backers who wonder why, with the economy doing "so well," more Americans don't give the administration credit for a great recovery. Maybe it's because it isn't reaching most of them.

I dunno why the Democrats don't build the second tier of their '06 campaign around this issue. The first tier, of course, would be Iraq and whatever other countries we're about to invade. But I can sure imagine a commercial that flashes photos of those execs (especially at oil companies) who are taking home a million bucks a day. Precede it with a quick soundbite of Bush saying how great the economy's doing, then show the execs as a voiceover intones, "It is…but only for Bush's billionaire cronies." Then tick off the list of states from that chart: Down 11.3 in North Carolina, down 12 in Michigan, down 10.4 in Oregon, etc.

It used to be the economy, stupid. Now, it's the war, stupid…and by the way, the economy, too. I'm going back to watching the telethon.

Actually, I seem to be Norm Crosby Blogging right now as I catch up with my TiVoed recording of the telethon. Jerry seems to have gone away halfway through Hour 4 and Norm is hosting. The corporate donors can't be that thrilled to be making their appearances to donate million dollar checks to Crosby instead of to Jerry…and in the middle of the night, no less. I'm guessing it's a trade-off deal: "Okay, I'll do 3 AM with Norm but you have to give me prime-time with Jerry for my next two checks."

If anyone ever sets up a Wikipedia page to define "tough room," they could link to a clip of Bob Zany's performance.

The local telethon segment is hosting a stunt they do each year that always struck me as a tacky context for fund-raising. Over the last few weeks, we are told, criminally big-hearted folks were arrested by MDA deputies and locked up in hoosegows throughout Southern California. They were given cell phones — I think that's supposed to be a pun — to call out and raise bail to earn their release. They fought the law but MDA was the winner. That's right: It's the MDA Telethon Executive Lock-Up and we see mug shots (most behind bars and in prison garb) of business folks who agreed to be prisoners until they could get their associates to donate some undetermined amount of cash to the cause. The background music for the mug shots is "I Fought the Law and the Law Won." I can sure understand why people want to raise money for MDA; just not why someone thought it would be cute to cast them in the role of crooks trying to save their own skins.

Speech after speech urges us to feel compassion and concern for people — children, especially — afflicted with Muscular Dystrophy…and I do. But there are some TelePrompter readings that also make me concerned for the health of Ed McMahon and, on the local segments in Los Angeles, Casey Kasem.

Six and a half hours in and much of the hosting job passes, without fanfare, over to Bob Zany and Tom Bergeron. They're announcing the telethon has topped the eleven million dollar mark. I'm not sure if my donation, made online at the MDA website, will be counted in there.

I think we need a new telethon to find a cure for Louie Anderson's tie.

Louie's performance, along with Bob Zany's, redirects my compassion to comedians who have to work a cold audience that's heavily distracted and sitting way too far from the microphones. Given the house, he does pretty well but it's sharper material than the laughs we're hearing at home would indicate. A writer friend of mine, the late Gary Belkin, used to point to comedians on TV and say, "Lost eyes," meaning that they were getting no sense of audience response and didn't know where to look, who to play to. We could send out a search party for Louie's eyes…that is, assuming they weren't distracted by the tie.

When Bob Zany (who's lost a ton of weight) comes over to thank Louie, it looks like the after-and-before in one of those Leptopril commercials.

I'm TiVoing rapidly through the charity pitches and watching the acts. There are some pretty good ones even if the live audience doesn't seem to know it. There's nothing deader than a Las Vegas audience that didn't pay to get in. I'll report back later.

And I just peeked at what's going on…and what's going on is that they're rerunning earlier hours of the telethon. Is this something new? It's been a few years since I tried to watch the whole thing and back then, they did twenty hours to fill a twenty hour telethon even though it meant others sitting in the host chair while Jerry got his beauty sleep. Is this how they do it now? They do some hours and then they rerun them? Even though the tote board is far, far behind reality?

Okay, good night again. This time, for real.